Hi. Just a word of warning this may be a bit of a long one. I just need somewhere to talk really about the repressed feelings I’ve had all these years about my family as it’s getting more difficult the older I get.
I’m married and I have two ds’s age 15 and 8. I met my dh when I was 18 and I’m now 38. I told him something last week that I’ve kept in all of my life and he was great but I think he’s struggling himself now as he feels so angry, not towards me, about what happened. So, from the beginning. I grew up in a house with me my mum dad and my older brother and sister. My parents had us very young and from as early as I can remember they had a turbulent relationship. My mum was lenient when it comes to us but my dad was exactly the opposite. His idea of discipline was to hit us and shout and scream. At first this was just towards me and my siblings but then eventually he started to hit my mum. Saying this out loud to my husband who I love and trust was heartbreaking to say the least but I couldn’t keep it in any longer.
One minute my parents were as nice as pie to each other then other times they would just argue but then there were times were my mum would go out with her friends of an evening. I’d be in bed but I’d be woken to the sounds of screaming and then I could hear my dad lose it and my mum would be sobbing. This went on for years and I used to dread my mum going out as it happened mostly when my mum came home. I used to lay there crying in my bed and wishing my mum would pack up our stuff and take me and my brother and sister and not come back.
My youngest ds has Asd and Adhd and over the last couple of years I’ve come to realise I have the same condition too. I’m not diagnosed or anything but I’m waiting to be assessed. I know what people will think that it’s PTSD and I do believe I have that to some degree but I have so many other symptoms so I know it can’t just be this. Well as a child I was the naughty one out of the three of us. I was similar to my ds in many ways although my ds was aggressive when he was younger, still is sometimes but I wasn’t aggressive. I did used to rebel against my dads discipline and as I got older I learned to stand up to him and screamed back but that only made him hit me harder and scream more. My parents must have known I had issues as I struggled in school and acted out so they were regularly called in by teachers.
The years went by and my parents continued the way they were but in between all of that things were half decent. They would take us on lots of holidays days out etc and my mum would shower us with lots of new clothes. I enjoyed this at the time, it’s only now I realise they spoiled us to make up for what was happening. Some days were ok but nothing was consistent and I didn’t know what was happening and felt all over the place. To the outside world everyone though we were this perfect family as they seen us go on days out on holiday etc but things were bad.
My brother and sister didn’t cope well but my dad used to focus his frustration more so on me and my mum which in a way ineas glad as it meant he was leaving them alone. Things carried on the way they were until I got older I’d say about 16/17 and then when I met my dh at 18 I started spending a lot of time at his place in between work and college and then we got our own house and we had our ds. In the years since me and my parents have had a relationship of sorts, more so since I’ve had my children but it feels so fake. My parents relationship is odd but what’s changed is my dad had completely mellowed and my mum seems to wear the trousers as she puts it. I don’t think for a second my dad still hurts her. They go on lots of holidays and days out like they used to when we were kids but I can’t grasp it. Why would anyone chose to stay with someone who hurts them? Especially all these years.
As a child all I wanted was for them to separate but I pushed it to the back of my mind when I moved out. Like I said I’m pretty certain I have the same condition as my ds and so I have problems processing information and I struggle with emotions, although with my kids it’s different, they get so much love.
My Aibu I suppose is Aibu to suddenly feel this animosity towards both my parents? It’s taken me a long time to realise that the way my childhood was has affected my life in so many ways. My self esteem was shot to shit, I didn’t like people getting too close, and i haven’t been able to take chances over the year due to fact I doubt myself and have fear of failure. If I do have Asd/adhd then my parents made it worse and I can’t nelp but resent them for it.
Now that I have kids they act like be perfect grandparents. I’d never let what I went though affect my kids relationship with their grandparents but that’s only because I wouldn’t want to tell my kids what happened and they deserve a decent childhood. My parents have seen me and my dh these past few years as we’ve had a lot to deal with our son as he has so many complex issues yet not once have they offered support. Their idea of being the perfect grandparent is spoiling my dc offering gifts money and what ever else, as opposed to spending any time with them. But it is what it is and I’ve accepted it.
My struggle I suppose is that the more I’m struggling with my own mental health, which is hopefully due to not being diagnosed as a child, the more I’ve looked back at my childhood and then the bad memories have come back. My issue is that i’m not fake and I find it extremely hard to pretend, which incidentally is one of the symptoms of autism and adhd. All these years I managed to pretend things were ok to some degree but the more I’ve struggled with stressful situations and the more my parents think they can interfer the more difficult I’ve found it to pretend things are ok when they’re not.
My parents visit on a weekly basis and despite them being good with my kids, my mum interferes and gives her unwanted opinion far too often. My dad has digs at me as I’ve taken time out of work to care for my ds as things were getting too much with both me and my dh winding shifts. My ds got asked to leave after school club so I had no choice. But my dad makes digs about us claiming benefits (child tax child benefit and Dla) saying that I’ll never go back to work as I have it too easy at home! Yet he completely ignores the fact my dsis grows cannabis in her house and her partner deals it. I’ve had to distance myself from her because of this but that’s another issue. If my parents choose to ignore the fast she’s doing what she is then that’s their decision. But how can they think it’s acdeptbale to ignore that yet have digs at me when I don’t do anything to anyone, and I just want to get on with my life the best I can. I think I’m a good person. I try my best and I struggle on a daily basis just to get the basics done but my kids are my life and have everything they need. I fight to ensure my ds gets the education he deserves which has been a long battle I can’t even describe how much. Yet my dad clearly sees me as a failure. AIBU to limit contact with them as I just can’t keep doing this anymore.