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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I’m just always going to be lonely

70 replies

hardlymovebuttravelling · 26/08/2018 16:55

I’ll probably get a load of abuse for this and I know that being married to a cruel, nasty, ignorant or neglectful man would be worse.

But I feel it’s just not really possible to avoid loneliness. Friends aren’t the answer as you’d need however many hundreds of friends to actually spend all your evening and weekend and holiday time with.

I know that’s a whiny post sorry.

OP posts:
PumpkinPie2016 · 26/08/2018 19:24

I don't think you are being whiny OP Flowers

I tend to think that Sundays and bank holidays are worse if you are alone because they drag and lots of things are closed. More so if the weather is grey and wet as it is near me today!

You mention you have been off work recently? Are you due to go back soon? At least when you are working you will see other people during the day.

Are you able to do a class of some sort once a week e.g. Pilates, yoga, running club - whatever you like. That way, at least when you at off work you will still have somewhere to go to meet people.

I hope you're ok Flowers

BlueBug45 · 26/08/2018 19:33

@marsbarsandtwix no they are not.

OP do you have any illnesses/health conditions? As being unwell can make you feel very alone.

Original poster
hardlymovebuttravelling · 26/08/2018 19:43

Well yes being alone in a marriage is worse but why do people always feel they have to point this out?

I don’t go on relationships informing all the women struggling with arsey partners that it’s misersble being alone too Hmm

OP posts:
BlairWaldorfsHeadband · 26/08/2018 19:46

I feel similarly. I have a partner and children and im fine when im with them.

But I never really have friends. I have ADHD, borderline ASD and anxiety so I feel like I watch everyone else through a pane of glass and don’t really connect with others.

Whenever I’m on my own I feel it.

Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow · 26/08/2018 20:40

Sorry hardly I only mentioned it because I wasn’t sure if OP was married

I’m desperately lonely in my marriage right now but appreciate the thread isn’t about me

It’s different types of loneliness I guess

Whippedtoafrenzy · 26/08/2018 23:09

I think we’re pointing out by referencing loneliness in marriage is that loneliness is not about being alone it’s about how we connect with ourselves.

Redteapot67 · 27/08/2018 02:38

I think people are also trying to point out the grass isn’t greener - your circumstances may change but your feelings of loneliness might not go away just if you get a relationship/ family. I agree to counter act it you need to learn to engage with others in a way which makes you feel alive and valued. You say that no one would care if you died - have thought about any of : reconnecting /connecting more with family members even if fairly distant like cousins, adopting a child, befriending an older person - there are schemes like ‘adopt a granny’, befriending a neighbour, getting a dog from a rescue centre, volunteering in a hospital or old people’s home?
Maybe thinking about ‘giving’ rather than ‘getting’ friendship and companionship and you might feel more connected with people that way

Monty27 · 27/08/2018 02:50

OP I am lonely too. It's not a sin. But hard to admit.
I have a wonderful family and friends plus two wonderful children in their 20s that live with me. My neighbours are great too.
I have so much to feel happy about. I even have two cats Hmm
I would love to meet the love of my life to share with. However having failed thus far I am seriously considering getting a dog.
I adore dogs Smile

RoseGoldEagle · 27/08/2018 02:55

I sympathise OP. I’m married now but when I was single and lived alone (for many years), I was also lonely. I did have a fair free lovely friends, and I would get out and do things, but it’s just the fact you always have to make the effort or plan. It’s the coming downstairs in your dressing gown and having a coffee and just having someone there and then to chat to, and that even if you do different things with your morning you know someone will be around again later, that I missed. Friends would say- you need to get out more, and it annoyed me because actually I went out a lot more than they did, but I didn’t think they appreciated how nice it is not to HAVE to make plans in order to have some company.

Snog · 27/08/2018 03:08

I lived alone for some of my20s and I hated it. I know the feeling that nobody would know if anything happened to you.

I would have preferred living in a shared house I think. Do you have a cat OP?

Seniorschoolmum · 27/08/2018 04:15

Op, I think you’re saying you don’t feel you matter to anyone, and their day isn’t complete until you have come through the door.
I didn’t really understand that until I had ds. I haven’t found a life partner to share things with either, and sometimes in low moments, it does take a real effort to summon up some more optimism and keep looking. You aren’t the only one by a long shot Flowers

Buswankeress · 27/08/2018 04:32

I think I know where you're coming from. I have a full time job and a DD, I also have dogs and horses. I work sole charge nights and am working alone around 8 hours of my shift. My DD isn't at home my working days. I love it like that, I struggle dealing with people and these nights give me the right balance. BUT I'm lonely at times, not in general I don't think, I'm lonely for a partner my life is pretty full, I like my own company and have great friends and family, and suffer when I don't have enough alone time, but well, I'd like that special someone. Problem is after a couple of arseholes failed relationships in the last couple of years, I have lost my faith in me spotting a 'wrong un' and don't trust myself!

SD1978 · 27/08/2018 04:44

Another one here who could die and not be noticed for a few days. It would be nice to have someone to share things with, but I don't. I also haven't gone actively looking either, so can't blame anyone else (in my situation). I'm lucky I'm an antisocial git, but still there are times I feel quite down about it too. It's more than reasonable

Monty27 · 27/08/2018 05:46

Just that buswank exactly that.
Maybe we should try to define loneliness.

Whippedtoafrenzy · 27/08/2018 06:36

Maybe thinking about ‘giving’ rather than ‘getting’ friendship and companionship and you might feel more connected with people that way.

A valuable point made. Getting the balance right again comes down finding that connection with yourself otherwise you risk being a people pleaser.

Singlenotsingle · 27/08/2018 06:37

Two suggestions but both have already been made.

  1. Get a dog. I never realised until I got one, how special they are. They are friendly, loving and loyal. Mine makes me laugh a lot.
  2. Volunteering. Maybe in a homeless shelter, somewhere you're needed.
Whippedtoafrenzy · 27/08/2018 06:48

Maybe we should try to define loneliness. @Monty27

Absolutely agree. I shall have an interesting day mulling this one over because my thoughts are that loneliness is the experience of expecting another person to do for you what you’re not prepared to do for yourself or others. It’s really harsh but I’ve added several messages to this thread because I’m experiencing this feeling myself and want to understand the feeling.

ForeverJung · 27/08/2018 06:48

I used to be like this and I'm not now.

So, it's not inevitable. FUnnily enough, being married to an abusive controlling man was the trigger for my journey towards awareness and emotional resilience. So I'm grateful now.

There is so much you can do to 'grow' inside.

I am still single and would still like a witness to my life etc but I'm not lonely when I'm at home. It's that I'd like to go out more and socialise more but it's not an ache.

What did you enjoy doing when you were between 8 and 14 OP? Do that. No seriously. If it was dressing your dolls, go to a dress making or dress design course. If it was roller skating, go skating.

I followed this advice and found ways to keep myself happy for ever. On my own still but happy in my own company.

Whippedtoafrenzy · 27/08/2018 06:52

@ForeverJung a witness to my life Makes sense

ForeverJung · 27/08/2018 06:56

@whippedtoafrenzy I agree.

I think the desire to connect is so innate but often people are berated for it. So it takes a certain level of adaptive resilience to cope with a life without connection. Not a life without a partner, necessarily, because the OP has a partner!

It is not really acceptable to say that you feel lonely. You're instantly told off. do this! do that! but you cannot force connection.

HappyHedgehog247 · 27/08/2018 06:57

There is a loneliness thread on here called the claw

ForeverJung · 27/08/2018 06:59

Apologies OP, I skim read (it's a thing :-p) and I understood that you had a partner.

VioletCharlotte · 27/08/2018 07:19

Hi OP, I've had times when I've felt like you (single Mum). I think the key is to build a life for yourself that isn't reliant on other people. It takes effort and means putting yourself out of your comfort zone a bit, but once you get used to going to new places by yourself it becomes a lot easier. What sort of things do you enjoy doing?

crimsonlake · 27/08/2018 07:26

If the OP would stop drip feeding people could offer more suitable advice.

ChangingStates · 27/08/2018 07:41

Loneliness is hard, my marriage ended almost a year ago and although most of the time I don't feel lonely I sometimes do worry I may in years to come. Have you got any pets? I know it's not the same as people but cats are fab, dogs if you have a suitable life style and it will help somewhat with feeling lonely.

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