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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to want to tell close family friend of new partners STI?

31 replies

sunstrokecity · 26/08/2018 09:13

Recently found out two very close friends have started to meet up separately from the group, and friend A has told me they have both been discussing taking things further and possibly starting a relationship.
friend b confided in me a few years ago they had contracted Herpes. Made me promise to never tell a soul.

Friend A has recently got out of a very controlling marriage. Also friend A has 5 DC with ex that would become their soul responsibility due to nature of break up.

Friend A has only ever been in 1 relationship, ex DH.

Friend B has a track record of sleeping around, currently in long term relationship.

Problem is now I know they are thinking of taking it to the next level, and knowing that B hasn't told A of SDI, I feel like I owe it to A to tell them. But feel loyalty to B not to break their trust.

OP posts:
YeTalkShiteHen · 26/08/2018 09:15

Tell B they must tell A before any kind of sexual intimacy, or that you will.

PerfectPenquins · 26/08/2018 09:15

I would hope B has the respect for A to tell them before any sex takes place. But is B looking at cheating if they are in a relationship?

Frogscotch7 · 26/08/2018 09:17

The sti is the least of her worries by the sound of it. Everything else you wrote about friend b should be enough to dissuade friend a. If she knows all that and still starts a relationship with him then she kind of deserves herpes anyway for being so stupid. hope she changes her mind :(

GreenPimpernel · 26/08/2018 09:17

This sounds disastrous for more reasons than herpes, if B is in a serious long term relationship and A has just escaped from the sole (abusive) relationship s/he has ever had, and they’re considering getting together...?

mickeysminnie · 26/08/2018 09:18

If B is currently in a long term relationship just tell your friend that she is going from the pan into the fire.

hungryhippo90 · 26/08/2018 09:20

Ugh wait,
You don’t think that your first obligation to your friend isn’t telling friend A to run from friend B as fast as they can?

Friend B is in a relationship and trying to start a relationship with friend A. Come on, this will repeat itself.

Friend A needs to build her life on her own, and not restart her life with a man who has form for trying to start a relationship whilst he’s already in one (the line between cheating and not is blurry here?!) and sleeps around and has an STI.

Build your friend up, tell her she deserves more.

She won’t need to know about the STI, if you point out how he treats the women he goes out with.

trojanpony · 26/08/2018 09:37

She wants to take it to the next level and he is in a relationship????
Confused bloody hell

It’s a difficult situation OP but doing nothing and “minding your own business” would make you a terrible friend to friend A.

This woman, if she has 5 kids, is probably older and therefore likely “institutionalised” by the abusive ex. She is vulnerable in the areas of relationships.

For starters I would show your friend the freedom programme and talk to her about the importance of establishing boundaries and the dangers of rushing into another relationship without those boundaries
-does she know new guy has form for shagging about and that he is currently IN A RELATIONSHIP?

I would talk to him and tell him to think hard before messing friend A around. If he said he was serious Hmm I’d insist her tells her and I would confirm with her that she knew not take his word for it.

That said I have an uneasy feeling even if you insist he tells her he will probably convince her it’s “fine”. Angry

Skyecat · 26/08/2018 10:33

If you're sure that b hasn't told a that he has herpes simplex (hsv) and doesn't intend to then I would consider urging her to talk to him about mutual sti testing.

As you may know, standard NHS sti testing does not include hsv unless you have obvious symptoms and the majority of people don't, so most people with it don't know they have it.

As friend b does know, they should do the responsible thing and inform any partners, however based on the above, friend a should seek private antibody blood testing to find out their own status and use condoms with any new partner regardless.

Does b know which type of hsv he has?

Type 1 is carried by 6 in 10 people in the UK, (mainly orally--what's known as 'cold sores') and type 2 by 1 in 10 (largely genital). Friend a may already have type 1 and if that's what he has then neither need to worry about transmission.

For reference, around 70% of genital hsv infections were caused by hsv1 last year, i.e through oral sex.

Original poster
sunstrokecity · 26/08/2018 14:50

Friend a knows friend b is in a relationship.

Friend B has given her the sob story of how horrible his current partner is, doesn't trust him etc. He neglected to tell friend a the reason she doesnt trust him is because he sleeps around, spends all their money down the pub etc

I have told friend a that b cannot be trusted and is not the type of person she needs now but it has fallen on deaf ears, 'he's so lovely' 'so different when it's just the two of us' blah blah blah.

Friend b does not want to tell friend a as it will put her off Hmm

OP posts:
MissusGeneHunt · 26/08/2018 15:17

Put her off??!! Put her fecking off??!! Bloody git. His ATTITUDE should be the thing that puts her off.

If someone is honest about herpes, it can be worked around, but by the sounds of this bloke and his general behaviour I wouldn't want to work around him anyway.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/08/2018 15:23

Tell her.

Her sexual health is far more important than his hurt feelings.

Woman up, tell her right now!

pippety · 26/08/2018 15:49

I honestly don’t think that you can keep something like this from Friend A in all good conscience - definitely tell her! And ditch Friend B while you’re at it... what an arsehole.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 26/08/2018 15:51

Tell 'friend' B that you are telling friend A. Then tell friend A.

Reconsider friendship with B.

lowtide · 26/08/2018 15:54

Wtf! It’s none of your business. If you think he’s an unsuitable partner (which clearly he is) you could kindly warn her.
But you have no idea wether he’s told her, it’s none of your business.
1 in 4 people have herpes. Many don’t even know. At least 5 people on this thread have it known or unknown.
That’s a massive no no in my book. People’s health concerns are not your job to tell others.
If you’re that bothered go to your male friend and tell him he should tell your other friend as you feel concerned he won’t.

lowtide · 26/08/2018 15:57

Fuck I missed that last sentence! Don’t know how.
He’s a cunt then.
If he’s refusing to tell her then I would. But usually I would say it’s no ones business how people deal with their medical issues

AnoukSpirit · 26/08/2018 15:59

Friend A desperately needs to attend the Freedom Programme: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

XiCi · 26/08/2018 16:08

1 in 4 people do not have genital herpes. I would tell your friend that he needs to disclose it otherwise you will tell your other friend.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 26/08/2018 16:10

Fuck I missed that last sentence! Don’t know how. Easily done!

Cherrygardenst · 26/08/2018 16:12

@xici

In the U.S.A genital herpes specifically is estimated at 1/6 people.

Cherrygardenst · 26/08/2018 16:14

1/10 on the UK have type-2 (genital)

SandyY2K · 26/08/2018 16:16

Does A not know that B sleeps around?

Tell her he does, although it looks like she's planning on being the OW.

CatOwned · 26/08/2018 16:23

Why are you friends with B? He sounds awful.

PerfectPenquins · 26/08/2018 16:29

I’d ditch the pair of them, she’s choosing not to listen to you and be part of an affair I don’t care what he’s told her that’s just not acceptable. He is such a disgusting worm that he would rather risk someone’s own sexual health just so they don’t turn him down for a shag! Do you know his gf? I’d tell her what these two selfish worms have been saying and planning and drop the lot of them

XiCi · 26/08/2018 16:29

How many people have it is irrelevant really. Its a painful, life long, recurring, incurable sti that can be transmitted to your baby during childbirth, sometimes fatally, so I don't think its appropriate to say to the OP oh is fine loads of people have it. There are serious implications for her friends health.

Mummyoflittledragon · 26/08/2018 16:41

I think you need to warn her. Maybe not tell her everything initially. Give her the talk on sti’s Friend b sleeps around a lot etc. At the end of the day, my loyalties would lie with the friend, potentially at the receiving end of a horrid infection.

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