Being mad at Mum for suicide

[WillowPeach]

Mum died in March from what was initially determined death by natural causes because nothing was found from the post mortem. They were to send off bloods and samples to be analysed and we’d get the final results in 3 months.

During that time, I’ve cried and cried about how much I miss her etc. But I’ve also been able to come to terms with her passing - obviously feel sad but not to the extent that I’d be crying every day.

The results came through (on my birthday would you believe - 5 months later)! and the coroner has determined that the cause of death was suicide by overdose.

My aunt has disclosed the statement she gave and said that my Mum told her several weeks before that she was going to kill herself (she’s done this a few times as a cry for help throughout her life!). Mum also told her Mum and the last meeting they had, she said her “she had to go now”. I’m 1 of 6 children and she put all of our hospital tags in a jar labelled “for my Mum” and put it in a prominent space that it would be spotted.

Everyone around me is feeling sad but understanding that she must of been very low and at least she’s no longer in pain (she’s a hard life of loss and heartache). They’re saying that now they feel closure and can move on. But I feel the complete fucking opposite, I can’t help but feel so pissed at her for not taking the time to at least write a note us. It sounds like it was planned (the way she spoke to other family members) and I just feel like why couldn’t she just of taken the time to say a final few words. Just something for us to cling to. We’ve all got nothing, I don’t even have a picture with her. I’ve got no closure, so many questions and such a heavy heart at the fact that this is forever. I can’t believe she would do this to us, like this. Surely we deserved something.

AIBU?

I'm so sorry. Of course you are not unreasonable to be furious. Its a horrendous thing to happen, any emotion is okay.

So sorry for your loss and no YANBU feel like this at all. I imagine your mum was protecting you by not talking to you about it. The fact that she did what she did with your hospital tags shows she loved you.

Remember if she was suffering from depression it is an illness and she would not have been thinking straight. It sounds like you need to talk this through with someone. Could you arrange some bereavement counselling?

No you’re not being unreasonable.

Anger is a very normal part of grief notwithstanding the more difficult circumstances.

Have you thought about speaking to a counsellor to help you work through your feelings?

I’m so sorry for your loss.

I am so sorry. I think you have to remember with people who die by suicide, is that their minds are not working the sane way yours or mine would. Something has broken and they are utterly convinced that this is the only way out. Your mum wasn't being selfish - she just wasn't able to think clearly or in ways that make sense to you.
Please don't think she didn't love you enough to leave a note - her mind just wasn't functioning as it should

Same, not sane. Sorry

YANBU at all

But I feel the complete fucking opposite, I can’t help but feel so pissed at her for not taking the time to at least write a note us. It sounds like it was planned (the way she spoke to other family members) and I just feel like why couldn’t she just of taken the time to say a final few words. Just something for us to cling to.

^I would feel exactly the same

You are not being unreasonable.

My mum committed suicide when i was 21, she didnt leave a note, there was no prior known depression or health conditions. It came as a complete shock.

You will feel better with time but it is completely normal to feel everything at the moment and even now more than 10 years on i still feel angry sometimes about how selfish it was for her to kill herself, but mostly i remember the good times we had, i miss her but can now reminisce on the many times and ways that she was a great and present mum.

Im so sorry youre going through this xx

No.

my mother killed her self when I was 12.
I'm still angry with her.

People around you will say things like "she wasn't well" "she thought If would easier if she left" etc. But they don't know.
I've had to distance myself from those people as I'm disgusted by the fact that I have to defend my feelings.

You'll go through lots of emotions.

Anger, loss, fury and ultimately hurt.

I did. When you can accept that she left, you may start to deal with it.

Please don't feel guilt.

Be angry.

You have that right.

Deal with it your way.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this OP. I’ve lost 4 relatives to suicide, and had two more make three failed attempts between them.
(Bad genetics and bad marriage choices)
The thing is, as one of the survivors explained to me, when you are depressed you feel that your family will be better off without you, that you’re a burden.
And you don’t want them to be upset after you’ve gone. So one relative was deliberately unpleasant to us before her attempt, hoping it would mean we were glad she’d gone and would be spared the grief of missing her.
Your mum’s depression would probably have made her prefer you to be angry with her than sad. And she may have felt a note would upset you. Or she may have simply been so depressed that she lacked the energy or motivation to write one.
Depressed people are by definition not in their right minds when they attempt suicide. Your mother would have been unable to make any rational judgements about the effects on you.
Please get some help to overcome your anger and express your grief about your mum. I hope with time you reach a place where you can remember her with compassion for her illness instead of anger.
God bless, OP.

I’m so sorry for your loss. You have every right to feel how you do - everybody deals with grief differently. I can remember when my nan tried to do something similar but fortunately survived, my mum was desperate for us all to visit her in hospital and help look after her but me and my siblings found it very hard to be around her, especially as we had another grandparent in the same hospital who was very ill but desperately fighting to be well enough to get out. It must still be a shock for you at the moment but agree you could look into counselling. I hope you have good support around you at the minute

Lost a parent to suicide 30 years ago.

Still angry about it, though not on a daily basis, just if I think about it or hear of a suicide.

It will get better. Sending you thoughts.

Anger is a perfectly normal and understandable response to suicide.
You've had an awful shock on top of your grief. The long time delay must also make things harder.
Please don't feel guilty about your feelings.

YANBU. Very sorry for your loss Anger is a completely normal part of grief and it is very understandable that you don’t feel closure. I am a volunteer bereavement listener for my local hospice, it is a free service open to anyone. It might be worthwhile you finding out if there is anything similar in your area, I think it would be helpful for you to talk to someone.

I just feel like why couldn’t she just of taken the time to say a final few words.

Because when you are suicidal there are no words to express how much you love someone or how sorry you are.

I'm sorry OP. Nothing anyone can say will make you feel any better. You're in grief and anger is part of it.

All I can say, is when someone is in that position, they're not really thinking about others. It's a mental illness, it's not rational. You can't put a rational way of thinking to someone who commits suicide.

Look into counselling, having an outside party to talk to will definitely help.

I am so sorry, OP. Suicide is a tragedy and its victims deserve compassion and understanding. Those victims include both those who take their own lives and those who are left behind.

You should never have to feel that you have to defend your feelings or that you're somehow not entitled to them. They are not 'wrong'.

I agree with PPs that specialised therapy is the best course for you. You are definitely not alone.

Because when you are suicidal there are no words to express how much you love someone or how sorry you are
^ This and a bit further, you can't expect rational thought/behaviour from someone committed to suicide, they have gone past the point for any of that due to depression/pain/sorrow. Know nothing they did was directed at you.

You have every right to be angry, I would recommend counselling as well as you need to be able to talk to someone frankly about your feelings.

Your mum wasn’t well, you can’t be to take your life. It was a selfish thing to do and you’ll never understand why. Even if she left you a note you would have questions, not everyone does leave a note.

I’m so sorry for your loss

Sympathies OP. I know that people aren't in their right minds but it doesn't make it any easier. I could never leave my children motherless no matter what.

I agree with so many PP, anger is a normal and unavoidable part of the grieving process and that is exacerbated when the death is suicide. I would think that discovering it was suicide so late on must make it even worse.

What PP have said about her not being in her right mind when she did this is absolutely true. We shouldnt judge the mentally ill In the same way we would judge someone who is well and rational, but the fact that we do is completely understandable. You have been knocked off balance by a terrible loss (Freud actually called the process of mourning a temporary insanity) and you are completely entitled to all of your feelings.

I would also agree with the people urging you to get some grief counselling. Nothing can change what your mother did or the impact it has had on you, but being able to express your feelings freely to an impartial listener might help you towards closure and peace.

I am so sorry OP.

YANBU.

And it is Ok to miss her, and feel compassion for her, and love, AND anger. And you may change again in time.

Each person will have a different reaction. Your reaction is OK for you, their’s for them. The tragedy is that so often families are further torn apart by grief because they are having different reactions.

Take care of yourself, OP.

YANBU

Your feelings of anger are 100% valid and not wrong in any way.

I'm so sorry.

You're allowed to feel how you feel. I know how enraging some of the "she's at peace now" stuff can be when it's not how you feel. You do not have to force yourself to go along with it.

There is a post written by a psychotherapist and professor about people who die without leaving a note. I'm not sharing it to try and change how you feel (like I said, you have every right to) but because it contains links and extracts from blogs written by people who've been in your position and felt the anger you feel now.

If you think it might help to read / connect with people who've felt similarly to the way you're feeling and have expressed it, this is the link: www.speakingofsuicide.com/2014/04/23/the-unwritten-goodbye/

If it doesn't sound helpful please ignore me. I just know it can be a comfort to feel less alone with something like this.

YANBU at all. When you feel ready, the charity Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide might be really helpful to you. They run local support groups, email support and a telephone helpline. uksobs.org

Contact link for Survivors of Bereavement by Suicide UK