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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

boyfriend used debit card (which he does from small things)but without asking me this time, i think he might have forgotten to tell me but im frustrated

29 replies

sabrina1234 · 25/08/2018 21:00

So my boyfriend has my debit card details and I have let him use it in the past when he is struggling e.g. when he has no money for food or just for him to order me things. Sometimes he uses it for small things like when he didnt have a ride from the hospital to home so he used it for a uber without telling me which was fine as he had a concussion and wasnt able to drive home anyway. but recently i was trying to buy something for myself online that only cost £6.00 and wasnt able to and was confused as to why. so i checked my account and i had been paid £50.00 from work on friday and found out that he spent that money without telling me on 2 shirts that cost £50.00 altogether. I was upset by this as alot of the time i have to spend my money when he takes me out to places and wehenever we go out to eat. his birthday is in 2 weeks so that money was supposed to be spent on that. he has spent alot on me which i always tell him not to as he is broke himself just as much as me and he says he does it because he wants to. but i just find it stupid to put yourself in more debt and just because he does that doesnt mean that i have to aswell. then he complains that i never do anything for him or take him out but whenever he takes me out or suggests to go somehwehre it is mainly me paying anyway?!. I have already taken so much money out of my savings because of it and it im just hurt that he already knows im broke and didnt even ask me before purchasing these things on my card, fair enough if it wasnt that much money but he literarily spent my paychek.i cant even work that much as i do full time hours of placement at the hospital every week along with university exams and assignments so rarely have time to work amongst it all. i feel bad for confronting him about it because he always buys me things and isnt afraid to spend money on me ven if hes in debt but i just feel like he should have at least considered my situation and all the other stress i already have with everything going on in my life, i just dont know how to approach him with it. he always has had the whats yours is mine outlook but i dont think it should go to the extent of making another person purposefully broke

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 25/08/2018 21:01

Your other thread says he spent £50 without your permission
He stole from you.
Dump the freeloader and report the theft. Get a new card and PIN ASAP B

delilahbucket · 25/08/2018 21:02

I think you already know what everyone will say. You cannot stay in a relationship with someone who spends your money in such a manner. He needs to grow up and you need to get shut of him.

YearOfYouRemember · 25/08/2018 21:03

Why the two threads?

Dump the thieving git.

TheClitterati · 25/08/2018 21:03

Dump & run.

FranticallyPeaceful · 25/08/2018 21:04

Freeloading joke of a human. Dump him. I couldn’t be with somebody like that, I couldn’t be with somebody I couldn’t respect

LaGruffaloGrumble · 25/08/2018 21:04

Did you mean to post this twice?

supadupapupascupa · 25/08/2018 21:04

Dump

BlueBug45 · 25/08/2018 21:06

Get your card cancelled and get a new one with a new PIN.

DO NOT give him the details.

Tell your boyfriend he is no longer allowed to use your debit card and if he needs money to ask you so you can give it to him.

You do realise that if he got caught with your card at a shop, the shop assistant can take it off him and destroy it?

This is the only reason you need to give him to why he cannot use your debit card anymore. I use to have friends who got a financial reward everytime they caught someone with a debit or credit card that wasn't theirs - it was amazing how many people do it.

Shoobydooby09 · 25/08/2018 21:19

Tell your bank you need a new card that way the card number and security number are different in case he has the details stored. Change your pin for your new card oh and dump your C.F. boyfriend !!

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 25/08/2018 21:21

You know if you give anyone your PIN and you're defrauded out of money you're not entitled to ask for any sort of refund because you've put yourself in that position.

Cancel your card, hide it (and the PIN) and then work on a plan to ensure he's no longer your boyfriend.

TheNewSchmoo · 25/08/2018 21:21

So you don't like the responses in relationships that accurately state he stole from you and thought you'd edit it in a more favourable light and post it here.

Same advice, he is a thief.

Original poster
sabrina1234 · 25/08/2018 21:24

guys i posted this twice by mistake i was finding it difficult to get a hang of this site lol, how do i delete this one ??

OP posts:
optimusprimesmother · 25/08/2018 21:35

sabrina he has stolen from you.

Dh and I have a joint account but also have access to each other’s private accounts and we would never do that.

He is taking the piss out of you

Beamur · 25/08/2018 21:40

You don't need to know a PIN for contactless payments.

BlueBug45 · 25/08/2018 21:44

@Beamur depending who you bank with they will randomly ask you for a PIN and some shops still don't have contactless payment machines.

NonaGrey · 25/08/2018 21:44

Sabrina click on the three dots at the bottom right of your post. Click on “report” and ask MN if they will delete it for you.

Anxious2niteaaah · 25/08/2018 21:48

Op there's a big difference in letting him use your debit card for paying for transport and him splashing out £50 of your money on two shirts

What he has done is theft,

Take your card back, and make sure he has no access to your accounts online or in real life because now you know he has no qualms about spending your money without asking ,you can't trust him

Undesceaux · 25/08/2018 21:52

Your bf isn’t called Steve by any chance?? An ex of mine was exactly the same!!

PumpkinPie2016 · 25/08/2018 21:53

He has no right to be using your card without your permission - what he has done is theft! The uber from hospital I would not mind as that was an emergency. Buying new shirts though - absolutely not!

Get a new card and PIN and don't give him access.

KnotsInMay · 25/08/2018 22:11

He is terrible with money.
He spends all his ( including in you) , then expects to spend all yours.
No money sense, no budgeting.

And

He had an outrageous sense of entitlement. How DARE he buy two expensive shirts? Just use your money to do that without asking?

Honestly? I would dump him. At the very least have a serious conversation. Tell him he has spent your pay before you even saw it in your bank. Say it is doing your head in not being able to budget and not being able to control your own budget. If you are not to get into debt, you need to be in control of your money. Insist that from now on you go exactly halves when you go out anywhere, and that you will be getting a new card and PIN and not be sharing your bank account with him. You must actually remove his access to your account, not just ask him not to use it.

And don’t listen to one sentence of guilt tripping. Just say ‘I have never asked you to buy me anything’.

But really, given such monumental disrespect as to spend your only and hard earned income on extravagant shirts, I would dump him.

3tothreee333 · 25/08/2018 22:22

Zero sympathy, you gave him free access to your card and PIN. You worked hard for that money. If he is rubbish with his own money, that is not your concern. Change your PIN. Get a new boyfriend

Livingoncake · 25/08/2018 23:22

How can you respect a man who expects you to bankroll him? How can you find that attractive? I’m assuming you’re still very young and new at relationships? Just put this one down to experience; you now know what a freeloading boyfriend looks like, and can avoid them in future.

CSIblonde · 26/08/2018 00:17

Tell him Sabrina Bank is closed. He's a parasite. All you are to him is a £ source. He's not thinking isn't she generous, he's thinking you're a naive mug. This isn't what a normal relationship is.

BestZebbie · 26/08/2018 00:30

Those shirts are your birthday gift to him. You also need a new debit card/PIN asap - you gave an inch, he took a mile, as a result that privilege gets revoked (also it is a bad idea to share a card/PIN anyway - get a joint account if you both need to draw on a single pot of money, though in this circumstance that also looks like a fairly poor idea).

FetchezLaVache · 26/08/2018 00:46

Sabrina, he spent £50 of your money on two shirts to see how you would react. If you let him get away with it, he will continue to see your earnings as his by right to fritter away on whatever he wants. Please kick his freeloading ass to the kerb at your earliest convenience.