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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friends leaving me out

30 replies

Nurse1980 · 25/08/2018 20:44

Hi, I’ve had a group of friends now for 20 years. Used to go on holiday together, nights out etc. I see one of them separately every couple of months.
A couple of years ago I saw on Facebook that they had all gone out without me. I didn’t take it well at the time, was in the middle of a bad post natal depression spell. It really upset me at the time. I did mention it to one of the girls and she said no one had any problem with me and I wasn’t left out on purpose.
Anyway we’ve seen each other since then on occasion. Not as often due to children coming along, marriages etc. Anyway I saw on Facebook again today about them all going to a different city in September for a night out. I’ve not been invited.
Then about half an hour ago I saw two of the girls tagged on Facebook on a night out. No invite again.
I am again suffering from post natal depression and spent most of the day in tears. I’ve taken the step of deleting and blocking these girls on Facebook so I don’t have to see their night out/social plans any longer. It sounds pathetic but I just can’t deal with it at the minute. Sad
No I don’t know what to do, just completely cut them off or not. I’m supposed to be meeting one of them next week for tea.

OP posts:
Sorry10 · 25/08/2018 20:52

I’d meet her for tea and explain how you feel . If she’s a friend she will feel terrible as may not have been intentional.
It may be they have not invited you due to you not being well and thought you wouldn’t be up to it , they shouldn’t do that but sometimes people are selfish and think the best thing is to not invite you . I’m sorry you are having a bad time have you seen your gp ?
Please don’t get upset about this please speak to your friends too .

Original poster
Nurse1980 · 25/08/2018 20:57

Hi, I’ve already had a chat with her about it and she told me there are no issues etc, but I continue not to be invited anymore.

They don’t know I’m not feeling the best at the minute. I’ve seen the GP.

I just don’t know if I can speak to them about it again.

OP posts:
Dizzywizz · 25/08/2018 21:06

That’s so shit, I’m sorry. If it was me I would have to cut contact, I would be too hurt

booandbumpp · 25/08/2018 21:07

Hi OP. I've been there and honestly deleting Facebook was the best thing I ever did for this very reason. I kept crying seeing photos of my group of friends out without me, but I deleted FB and haven't cried once since! I still see them on occassion for meals, we're still friends, I chat to them on WhatsApp. I'd go so far to say I speak to them more since I deleted FB!
Hope you are able to manage your depression and your GP is being helpful x

BlueBug45 · 25/08/2018 21:10

OP if you are depressed and one of them knows then they won't invite you out because they will think you are too ill to go out. They simply will not ask and will presume.

As PPs have said delete Facebook it will make you feel much better as most of the things posted on Facebook are lies anyway.

Anxious2niteaaah · 25/08/2018 21:14

Op i think you have done the right thing, if they have no problem with you, then it's a very passive aggressive move for them to include the whole group and leave you out each time...

Find some new friends op (if you aren't sure how, then try something like joining a bookclub, taking up a hobby class etc so it gives you the chance to meet some new people)

Don't give these people any more of your time, they will have known by putting it on Facebook that you would see it

WindsweptNotInteresting · 25/08/2018 21:15

Do you think they're meeting up with 'a select few' like you do with one of the other friends? I know it's not quite the same as it's all bar one as opposed to 2 vs 5, but maybe they also meet different members of the group and assumed it was just another selection of friends rather than deliberately excluding you? Maybe the others feel excluded when you go out with just one of the others?
I don't really know and I'm sorry you feel upset, just trying to think of another explanation.

MyNameIsNotSteven · 25/08/2018 21:17

They're not very thoughtful. This happened to me with a group of new mum friends and I remember feeling the same and decided to cut my losses. However this is a friendship going back a lot longer. Is there a Wendy in the group?

Original poster
Nurse1980 · 25/08/2018 21:23

They don’t know anything about the depression. No it’s all of them apart from me. I just don’t understand it and it’s making me feel so shit.
No Wendy in the group.

OP posts:
BlueBug45 · 25/08/2018 21:26

Time for you to find new friends who aren't asses.

I'm frequently glad some of my good friends' are male because they don't pull stunts like this.

goodgirls · 25/08/2018 21:28

Ok if you are suffering from PND but haven't told them, isn't it likely you have been treating them differently? Have you been interested in their lives, instigated meet ups, been involved?

It's only the second time in several years, and you've already deleted and blocked on fb, which suggests a massive overreaction.

SirGawain · 25/08/2018 21:31

In this context, what is a Wendy?

Original poster
Nurse1980 · 25/08/2018 21:33

I have instigated meet ups etc. But only one of the girls will meet with me (this is often cancelled and rearranged etc).
This has happened more than twice too, it’s just been posted on Facebook 2-3 times but I know they’ve met more than that due to conversations etc.

OP posts:
goodgirls · 25/08/2018 21:37

Thing is, from their point of view they could have a good reason, rightly or wrongly. It's too easy to just call them all bitches and say move on. You've known them for 20 years, what do you think? Do they just randomly drop people for no reason at all? Or is there something more to it?

Original poster
Nurse1980 · 25/08/2018 21:38

Yes they dropped a girl a few years ago, they never told her what the problem was. Just stopped inviting her out.

OP posts:
goodgirls · 25/08/2018 21:39

You were part of the gang then though. So you dropped her too?

Original poster
Nurse1980 · 25/08/2018 21:41

No, I didng drop her. She spoke to me at length about it afterwards and why it happened. We had all gone on holiday and apparently she got on the other girls nerves. But they never told her this, they just stopped including her. We still keep in touch occasionally (she’s moved away so we’ve drifted apart).

OP posts:
BlueBug45 · 25/08/2018 21:42

OP so you have admitted your group of long time friends' are bitches who just drop random people from the group and refuse to meet up.

If you get on with one or two well stay in touch with them then drop the rest. Life is too short.

goodgirls · 25/08/2018 21:42

but you were fine with it as you continued to be one of the gang?

Original poster
Nurse1980 · 25/08/2018 21:44

I know but the one I’m closest to has lied and told me there is no problem when there obviously is. So I feel like she’s as bad as them.

OP posts:
Quangot · 25/08/2018 21:47

If a real friend has a problem with someone, they talk it through openly, not drop people and leave them wondering what they're supposed to have done wrong. Don't be tempted to belittle yourself or grovel. Walk away and find new friends.

NadiaLeon · 25/08/2018 21:50

If they don't know the extent of your illness they think you're not fun anymore, and thus don't want you being Mrs Grump at a happy occasion.
Speak to them and be honest. Tell them you're ill.

Menolly · 25/08/2018 21:53

If you are suffering from PND again does that men you have a fairly young baby? Could it just be they assumed you wouldn't be ready to leave baby for a night out yet? I stopped getting invited places when mine were small.

Original poster
Nurse1980 · 25/08/2018 21:55

I honestly cover it very well when with my friends. I portray a happy confident person but inside when I get home it comes out.
No it’s can’t be that, as I’ve already asked why I don’t get invited out and that I would like to go out.

OP posts:
goodgirls · 25/08/2018 21:57

So they stopped inviting another woman out when she "got on their nerves" on holiday? This could mean that she actually did behave badly and they had good reason to not want to spend time with her.

I think thats something people miss in this situation, people are allowed to decide they don't want to spend time with another person. Its ok.

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