Anxiety over DS leaving for uni.

[daffodillament]

My ds did really well in A Level exams, he worked hard, earned great grades and gained a place at his first choice of university and now getting ready to set off at the end of sept. All good..but..I am in absolute knots over it. Obviously, I am keeping it to myself, I am so happy for him and beyond proud but feel like I am going bonkers quietly, constantly thinking about trying not to breakdown when we take him up and leave him. It's so ridiculous, I know it's not normal and I should get a grip. Would love to hear how others have coped when first child 'flees the nest' ? Aaaaarrrgghhh !

Mine's only 14 but I imagine you are pretty normal. I will be in bits, especially remembering how I became virtually incommunicado when I went. Although that was in caveman times when we had 1 payphone in halls and the Royal Mail to keep in touch.

Thanks Mrsbert Thank god it is so much easier these day to keep in touch.

It is a bitter-sweet time. When we dropped our eldest off and drove home, I felt awful. Matters were made worse when she phoned the next evening to say she hated everything about the place and wanted to come home. Luckily by the middle of the week when she had met a few people and been to enrol on the course she was fine.

I'm in the position now where both of mine have graduated, come back home for work / to save money initially for an eventual house / flat deposit, and are now both moving out for good.

This is the bit I am really dreading. But they are 24 and 27, so I have to be grateful that we have a good relationship and that I have had them at home for so long.

Ah charlton How lovely.

I suspect most parents had to wipe their eyes on the journey home after dropping them off.
You need to plan some treats for yourself, start doing more things outside the home to fill the void.
I’d also plan in a trip to the place where they are for a weekend just to reassure yourself all was well. You might not get too much of their time but they’ll probably be happy to come for supper. We hired a cottage and had child and five friends for a lovely home cooked meal - provided them with decent food and me with reassurance.
Our youngest has her year abroad about to start and we’ll go out for a few weekends to Garda. Friends of ours are also intendto go out so she’ll have contact from home.
We’ve often visited the children of friends or our children so friends when we've travelled around UK. Other parents have done it for ours too. A free lunch or supper is rarely rejected and maintains the links with their home community.

We have DT’s and they both left for Uni the same weekend. We went from a busy, noisy house with teenagers coming and going all the time to just DH and I at home. The first couple of weeks felt very odd but it’s now great - DT’s are happy at Uni and doing well and DH and I can now do what we want without having to consider the DT’s. We’ve both dropped to working 4 days a week and go away most weekends.

The worst part was leaving dd at her halls. SHe had been so bouncy and confident, but as the time drew near she found more and more things for us to do, till in the end we had to go. SHE looked about 8 waving goodbye. That was last year. Now I am so proud to have raised such a happy, confident, clever, capable human being.

My advice...it's normal.
you are right that they shouldn't see how much,but they need to know you care and are still there for them...make sure you do something like give him open return train tickets so he can pop home anytime. Some children take longer to settle than others so be ready if needed ..you need to remain practical.there will be hiccups.

And make plans. I bought myself a muscical instrument. We have started travelling. We have been to our first ever music festival. I have done more exercise. we have reduced food and petrol bills to help fund these treats

My Dd moves next week! Not in the least bit ready because she's refused to do anything. At the moment it's all a frustration.

First of all, congratulations! You have raised a son who has done well, worked hard and is ready to start out life as an adult. Take a little time just to be proud!

Secondly, it is normal to feel like this and it gets better. Don't forget that there is a reassurance in the very fact that he is capable enough to be able to do this. Once the initial readjustment is over, that feeling of pride and reassurance will stay with you.

Thirdly, keep busy. Find something new to do that occupies your mind and marks a positive new stage of your life. Let him feel that while you will miss him enormously because you love him so much, you also have a life of your own that is so rich and fulfilling that he doesn't need to feel bad about going.

Finally, you might want to think about agreeing on a routine for communication. When I went to uni 36 years ago, my very wise mother said "I don't want you to feel that I'm keeping track of you, so I'm going to ring you once a week; would Wednesday morning be all right?" I knew I could ring her at any time if I had a problem or wanted a chat, but that I didn't have to. If I was out on a Wednesday morning, that was ok too. The fact that there was a regular routine meant neither of us had to worry about being neglectful or over-fussing. I am now in my mid-50s and living abroad, my mother is 86 and that weekly phone call is still happening. In these days of easy communication once a week may seem a bit primitive, but the general idea of an agreed routine is not bad. Stops you thinking they're dead if they suddenly start having a really good time and forgetting about home.

Treat it a bit like the first day at nursery and don't draw out the goodbye (but to stop you crying not him)

You cry all you like when you are back in the car!

If he is in halls, it may be super busy there as everyone arrives at the same time- lonf queues for the car park etc.

Pack his duvet, pillow and bedsheets into one bag, make the bed up for him and prepare to leave fairly quickly (again, because of the need to move everyone in, you may be encouraged/required not to linger by only allowing cars to park for fixed time. So be aware that could be the case.

He may not unpack his clothes for weeks but at least you will know he is in a clean bed with sheets on it after the first night in the hall bar.

If he is in self catered halls, arrive with a few bits of food (milk, cereal, bread, pasta, sauce) but don't get much fresh in as he may be our and about a lot in the first few weeks and fresh stuff will go to waste.

You may find the car park has more than a few crying parents but almost everyone holds it together until they have left.

And he will be back very soon. Terms are not that long and often they can't stay in halls over the holidays so you will have him back for nearly a month over xmas

Thanks all. Great suggestions. Open train ticket and regular time slot for a chat. Blimey, I'm welling up already !

Hi OP, are you on Facebook? If so there's a group you might find useful called What I Wish I Knew About University (don't know how to copy the link). There's loads of parents on there with DC off to Uni, so it's a good place to ask questions and get support.

My DS is starting Uni this year too, but will be living at home. I think if he was going away I'd be feeling just like you!

Mojo Thankyou !

Thanks Violet I will take a look at that now. Sounds great.

You've raised a confident, independent young man who wants to experience the world and that's a good thing. I think the thing I'll find the hardest is trusting that I've done enough to equip them to deal with that world.

No problem! It does help to talk to others in the same boat! How far away is your DS going?

Well done to you and your DS in getting this far.
I’ve been through it twice and both DSs reacted in different ways. One having his ‘wobble’ 5 weeks into term.
A tip, that might help, was to send them with a big tin of home made cookies, it helped break the ice with that first coffee in the Hall shared kitchen.
Good luck and enjoy the time you have to yourself.

I am bricking it too. My HF ASD kid is “making his own decisions” and so far has elected to share a room, share a house off campus, not get in touch with the disability service, I get that he wants to have a fresh start but oh my... however the university have been lovely over all this and very helpful and supportive and have now allocated him Halls in a quiet area now that we have advocacy.. even so I will be clawing at the windows for a week or so I expect. Hope for the best for them all xx

Thanks Nomad and JT..although I'm not sure I'm the best cookie maker but I will try ! Violet He's off to Imperial London, we are Cardiff area so not really too far but far enough.

Not sure I'd go along with Mojo's advice of making his bed so at least he'll sleep in a clean bed the first week. This is a young man who needs to start thinking of himself as an adult- otherwise, the other students who are sharing facilities with him in halls will not thank you.

Most female students have horror stories about male housemates/hall mates who expect to have their surroundings looked after and cleaned by somebody who isn't them. This attitude is created by an expectation of helplessness from home, not least from their mothers. Don't be one of these mothers! Whatever else you do, please do impress on him that from now on it is his responsibility to make sure he keeps his living area (and shared areas!) clean and tidy and that you know he is capable of doing this!

There are worse things than sleeping in an untidy, unmade bed. One of these things is being one of those people fellow students tell horror stories about and would rather not share a house with. next year

Two of mine have gone - the first started her course 7 years ago. She wasn't in Halls but a shared house. My husband and I were very emotional the weekend before she left and I felt quite conscious of wanting to be strong for my husband.

We arrived earlier than we needed to on the Friday morning and took everything up to her room and met her housemates. Then she had an appointment at the college so we drove her there, took her grocery shopping and back to the house and left her after arranging to meet her on the Sunday morning.

We picked her up on Sunday, went out to lunch and dropped her back at the house. It was hard watching her get out of the car and open her own front door but we held it together.

With our son who left last year it was harder. His university is a six hour drive. We got there, unloaded the car with the help of the older students who where waiting with trolleys, and met his housemates. I was fine until I saw another mum hugging her son and crying!

We took him out for dinner, bought his groceries and delivered them back to the flat and he was ready to go out to join a Freshers' activity that he had seen advertised and I really didn't want to spoil his excitement.

Like you I was really anxious about saying goodbye but I didn't want to spoil his happiness and I think that took over so I was able to walk away with a hug and a smile so he didn't feel bad about us and could allow the excitement to carry him along.

I am sure it is harder for us than for them!

Did he get off ok? We dropped our son to LSE yesterday and I hate it! From Cardiff too but he seems a long way away now. Hope you’re ok x

DD1 looked so little and lonely when we dropped her off for the first time. We did the same drop and run technique we used when she was in nursery and that was mostly for my benefit! She had a wobble half way through her first term and I had to stop myself from going to see her as I knew that would just make things worse. She's now in her 2nd year and loves every second of it. DD2 loves being an 'only child' during term time, and DH has got his evenings back now he only has one teen to ferry about (we live in the sticks so teens rely on lifts.) DD1 barely contacts us when she's away - dutiful phone call one night a week and the occasional text. But that is good - she's happy and busy. When she was home for the summer it was barely 3 hours before we agreed that we'd both forgotten how much we we irritate each other! I do miss her, but I'm just glad she's so happy.

Aaagh, it's tough, but as others have said, be proud that you've raised a confident child. I managed to despatch all of mine over one weekend, 2 to University and one starting work. I had a very wobbly day on the Monday, cleared out a room and watched Pointless and some awful antiques programme I have literally never watched daytime TV bar when looking after convalescing relatives. That was a fortnight ago and it was only when reading a thread here from a very sad Mum who can't busy herself out of her misery (fibro) I realised it's because I've been so busy (distracted). I've started a scarily high powered course, had houseguests, had the working one back overnight and for a weekend (work) done more cleaning and organising than I have done for years, taken on a lot of projects at work and I'm just now on my way home from a weekend away before a very early start training all day tomorrow (delivering not learning). I haven't even had time to watch the last episode of The Bodyguard!!! I'm normally the first person to completely fall apart over any change so I do strongly recommend extreme busyness.

And I definitely made up their beds as I left them! Why wouldn't you?