Aibu to feel like I must be missing something fundamental to motherhood?

[Moblife]

2 children-ages 3, and 9 months. I go back to work in a month and I'm feeling like a freak amongst my mum friends. Every conversation seems to start with 'oh you must be dreading going back to work' and continues with chats around who hates their job the most and who is going to remain as a SAHM.

I join in with the chit chat but the truth is I cannot wait to go back to work, yet despite that I feel awful about it because I feel like I should be wanting to stay home with them. What am I missing that everyone else has got right??
I want to want to be a SAHM and feel so envious of my friends who are enjoying it, yet I feel totally and utterly suffocated by the domestic drudgery of it all. I'm worn down by it and touched out, and I've come to realise I'm just not that good at it all-I'm crap at playing and frequently feel at a loss as to know what to do with them.

I'm in the same boat, I've a 22 month old and a 7 week old and I can't wait to go back to work. Love hanging with the kiddos everyday but really need to get my brain working again and get back into the workforce or start studying. And have adult conversations

You're not missing anything at all; it's totally normal to feel like that! I have felt like that with both my mat leaves - less so the second time round but definitely so much the first time. When I used to say I was going back to work full time people used to pull a sad face and act as if I must be so gutted. Nope! Working helps me to enjoy being a parent more tbh. I absolutely need that time to myself and it's ok to admit that I think. Everyone feels differently about being a stay at home parent.

You're definitely not the only one. I have a 12 week old and I love him to bits but I'm already starting to look forward to going back to work. I'm not very 'domestic' and struggle to think of ways to fill the day. I can't imagine anything worse than being a SAHM, it's great for some people but definitely isn't for me!

You're not a freak to feel that way! Everyone feels differently about being a sahp but you have to do what's right for you and your family. You're kids will be much happier with a mum that isn't frazzled from being a sahp and you will all enjoy your evenings/weekends together a lot more.

Same.

Love working (job working ). Was awful at the being at home work small kids thing - also work obviously but not work I enjoy. In fact I was very depressed.

My children are older now 9, 11, and I love being with them.

Baby/ toddler isn't forever and many people struggle with it (while feeling bad for not loving it).

Same here op. I HATE playing. I loath having to "talk" the my little ponies. I love cuddles, but cannot stand the constant physical contact, even when I'm on the loo or trying to do jobs. The fact that they bypass their father, who is literally sitting next to them to tell me they're hungry or that they need the toilet.

I'm not on maternity leave, just 6 weeks summer holiday as I am a teacher, but yesterday my mum took the children and I met up with some work friends for lunch. It was bliss!! I love the girls immeasurably, but I also love my job and I'm really looking forward to going back.

You're not abnormal at all for how you feel. In fact I think more people feel like it than not, but don't want to admit it, as they feel like that makes them a bad mum. You are a great mum I'm sure. Look forward to going back to work all you want.

I think sometimes it can get a bit competitive between women (not so much with men!) about how much they don't want to go back to work - it's another thing we're judged on.

Some people aren't suited to being a SAHP, I'm one of them. Nothing to apologise for, you're not missing anything fundamental to motherhood. You enjoy your DC and you enjoy working - just as men have been doing for ages (without questioning if they are missing anything fundamental to fatherhood)...

You’re not a freak. I can’t wait to get back to work.

I love motherhood - Because I also work. I can look forward and enjoy our time together. I don’t work a very long week, 30hrs ish.
Being with my children all day every day? Nope. Not for me, or them for that matter, they get just as sick of me.

It’s part of the ‘code’ of guilt trip motherhood.

You’re not allowed to want to do anything but be a mother - go to work and enjoy it, shame on you!

The bizarre thing is, we do it to ourselves...apologising for enjoying working, being financially independent, supporting the family - all things that fathers are praised for.

Everyone needs to start calling bullshit on this. How about everyone has CHOICE to do what’s right for them? Some people love being a SAHP, some people love working.

I felt exactly the same as you. I couldn't wait to go back as I was not cut out to be at home all the time. I'm much happier and that makes me a better mum.
I don't feel like I miss out on anything. DS is in a fab nursery which suits his sociable personality and I'm lucky enough to have a job that's flexible enough to allow me to be there when I need to be. My DS is nearly 4 and thriving.
Do what is right for your family and don't listen to others .

YANBU! I felt the same, much as I adore my children. My mother also felt just like this, but back in her day she 'had' to leave work when she had me. She said she remembers sitting down after doing the chores, when I was a few months old, and thinking, 'Is this my life now? Please no...'. She was so much happier when she returned to work after seven years (it had become a more acceptable thing to do by then, though still unusual).

I have turned mat leave into 'work', I keep busy and started a business on my first mat leave to make sure I kept my brain active.

Have renovated the house room by room, cleared out old drawers and cupboards and got everything organised so when I do go back to work we'll have more time available

I work FT
This is only normal at work
My friends who all work but PT don’t get it
I’ve not asked for PT, their mind is blown
My role isn’t possible PT
I am well paid (better than I tho k people would expect) and main earner
I had no money growing up and a SAHM who came across as miserable
It’s still a v tough juggle though!!!

I honestly think groups of 'mum friends'/school gate groups/baby groups/NCT groups etc have a lot to answer for.

Groups tend to produce groupthink, or at least a predominant group 'tone' which most people within the group will seek to conform to, at least publicly. The 'tone' in your group revolves (for reasons a PP outlined) around 'good' mothers not being supposed to want to or like WOH. Some of your friends may be feeling very differently, but not prepared to break the groupthink. Or in the case that they all genuinely feel like that, that's simply coincidental. I see loads of posts on here from women who were looking forward to going back to work.

In our society, where we as mothers know damn well we'll be judged on whatever our children do or don't do, and whatever we do or don't do, the groupthink process is stronger because there's safety and reassurance in numbers. It does lead to feelings of isolation for whoever doesn't conform to the prevailing tone. But see above.

I didn’t enjoy the mat leave as my little terrors didn’t sleep... at all.

Looking back I was bored, exhausted, and touched out by constant breastfeeding.

I’m an older mother and have a career. Couldn’t wait to get back to “my life”.

Babies are monotonous work. Toddlers are more fun, and kids even better. Now have teens and they are ace.

Friends who liked babies have all problems with their teenagers and think they’re all awful as they have a mind of their own, and are “stroppy”. That’s the thing I like about my teens... they’re not babies who need feeding and changing. They’re independent, vocal and opinionated and sparky.

Different skill sets suit different ages.
I struggled with the baby stage: colic and sleeplessness didn’t help, nor a borth injury which was debilitating, but I’m loving the teenage years.
Babies aren’t for everyone- I found life very dull then. The endless drudgery was mind numbing.

You sound like you might be the same.

Remember, parenting isn’t a sprint- it’s a marathon.
Maybe you’re more like me and will enjoy the teenage years more, and your baby loving friends will find them more challenging.
Swings and roundabouts.

I went back to work after mat leave with quite the spring in my step. Had a few months off this summer and thought it would be amazing. No. I hate being at home all the time, the domestic drudgery kills me. I could never be in one of those marriages where the man earns the money and the woman does all the work in the house/for the kids. I prefer what we have normally - DH and I both work part time and share the work in the home as well. DC don't bypass DH to come to me for food/drink/cuddles - I'd feel suffocated if they did!

Totally not a freak! Mine are 2 and 3.5 and being at home is hard hard work.

Work is easier then being at home. You get to drink tea in peace and go to the toilet alone! You can also reason with work colleagues....!!

You’re not missing anything. I went batshit on my maternity leave. I hate ‘playing’ with kids

I was the same. So happy to return to work after my first mat leave. I think I smiled like a manic all day I was so happy to be back. Now on mat leave again and I know I’ll be quite happy to return to my (full time) job next year. I’m lucky to have a job I love and I get a lot of enjoyment from it.
We’re all different though, I know what works for me and my family might not be others’ cup of tea.

No I think you are normal lots of people really like their jobs/find babies a bit boring

I have the opposite problem, I keep getting asked if I'm bored as a SAHM...nope taking a 2yr old to the park is much more fun than inputting invoices/typing letters all day. I probably use my brain more now!

I don't think that's weird at all. I frequently see posts on mumsnet urging someone to 'go back to work for your sanity' and I wonder where these amazing stress-free, relaxing jobs are

Personally, I work 4 days and I have a bunch of anxiety issues that I didn't have as a SAHM but I do it because I know it's right for my future career, pension, independence, being a positive feminist role model, etc etc.

I felt the exactly the same! Have 3 year old and 20 month old and loved coming back to work. I miss them sometimes and find the juggling a challenge now and then but i am a much happier mother now i am back at work .

Apart from finding it difficult being at home not earning money makes me feel quite vulnerable and anxious (a reaction to not having much money when growing up i think)...having money in the bank is important to.me.

It's funny because I want to be like you. I go back a week on Monday after 14 months off and I'm dreading it. I really want to be excited about it.

You're not missing anything. Different people have different needs, wishes, ambitions, competencies etc. That's all it is.

I had no choice about going back to work FT (lone parent and therefore sole earner) but I know I would have been a terrible SAHM and would have hated it had it been an option.

My DD benefited hugely from being a nursery, socialising with other children and being cared for by well-trained nursery staff who knew how to provide the right stimulation for her.

I have absolutely no doubt that there are plenty of SAHMs who are brilliant at doing all the stuff I would have been awful at. As long as they are making a choice that works for them and their family, it's all great. I just happened to make a different (not better, not worse) choice for me and my (admittedly very small - just the two of us) family.