Aibu to feel like I must be missing something fundamental to motherhood?

[Moblife]

2 children-ages 3, and 9 months. I go back to work in a month and I'm feeling like a freak amongst my mum friends. Every conversation seems to start with 'oh you must be dreading going back to work' and continues with chats around who hates their job the most and who is going to remain as a SAHM.

I join in with the chit chat but the truth is I cannot wait to go back to work, yet despite that I feel awful about it because I feel like I should be wanting to stay home with them. What am I missing that everyone else has got right??
I want to want to be a SAHM and feel so envious of my friends who are enjoying it, yet I feel totally and utterly suffocated by the domestic drudgery of it all. I'm worn down by it and touched out, and I've come to realise I'm just not that good at it all-I'm crap at playing and frequently feel at a loss as to know what to do with them.

I have thought about this a lot. Not just about SAHM/WOHM but about being different from a crowd. For the record, I have 2 young kids and I work.

If you are going to do something different, it will get talked about. People will question how it works for you. Part curiosity, partly they want to check if they can do the same themselves. To follow your own path and achieve what you want, you need to be slightly aloof from groups. Then these groups and group comments are in the background. Not your forethought.

I have led a life doing what I thought worked best for me at the time. It has worked out well for me. I am almost 40 well-established financially in a good marriage and a great and flexible job.

The downside is that over time the groups I stayed aloof from have left me. So I don't have a very strong core group of friends. I think people feel I am not relatable, because I don't explain myself and don't play to the gallery. But I am not questioned anymore.

Make some new friends who do work and enjoy it. Or introduce the concept among your friends that working is stimulating and it is possible to combine a life of your own and motherhood. I’m guessing not all of your friends are really that devoted to endless days of chores and childcare but society puts pressures on women to conform.

Luckily times have changed and most women need to work for financial reasons and it is surely highly desirable to enjoy that work.

Ask your friends if their partners say the same about hating their jobs and longing to be SAHDs? Most wont.

Same here. I was so determined to be a SAHM that I quit my job despite private reservations before I returned, then spent 18 months fighting a fug of depression and feeling like a shit mum. I'm not a shit mum, I just don't want to spend my every waking minute with the same person doing stuff I find mundane. I was a better parent from the moment I returned to work. Now he's older I have a very demanding job and he's in childcare after school 4 afternoons a week. When DS complains about this, and he does, I remind him that I'm providing our home, clothes, comfort and food; and I tell him how rewarding working is on my own personal level too. I don't think that's a bad attitude to be modelling frankly. There isn't a 'right' way to do this stuff, there's only what's right for you.

My baby is seven weeks n I miss work!!

Completely agree with**@Mercedes519** wise words indeed.
YANBU
I felt like you do, I did what I needed to do in terms of my needs and career and now have wonderful grown up DC- happy, independent and have always felt loved.
You're doing great. Don't believe the BS guilt trips

My NCT was the opposite, every one went back to work, lots in the first 6 months. I was the only one who quit and they all thought I was insane! And they still do we are all still friends though!

I feel the same, due to return to work in four months after taking an extended maternity leave and I can't wait, just to be out and about on my own and feel like myself again! Before I had the baby I was worried that I wouldn't want to go back to work and the effect that would have on the us. I even looked at our finances and worked out a budget, it would have been tightish but manageable! However now I'd rather go back to work and pay for childcare for my own sanity, plus it will be nice to have more disposable income again!

Completely normal. I was planning on going back to work, unfortunately I’d be making so little I can’t justify it. Doesn’t stop me from being upset now that I don’t get that escape I was expecting or the adult company.

@Moblife i can't wait to go back to work! I go back in november after 11 months off

I wanted to stay at home with my first but by my second I was desperate to get back to work.
I hate mum guilt it constantly eats me up inside. I always question my parenting decisions but what I like about work is I know I am good at it, I know what I'm doing and nobody's entire future and well being hangs on it so it's a lot less stressful.
It's also very peaceful and nobody touches me a million times a day.
Because I have that break when I'm home I can tolerate a lot more and it makes me a better mum

I have an 8 year old and I still get it oh you must hate working when you have kids. Childcare, someone else raising them. Juat nod and ignore. My job is my break

@buzz91 you don't need to justify it - assuming you have a DH/DP then your salary only needs to cover 50% of the childcare costs if you want to return to work. Just because you are the mother, it doesn't mean you should be the default childcare option.
Think very hard before you take the hit on your career, salary, pension etc. Expensive childcare is only for a few years, but long enough to really spoil work opportunities. Your DH/DP should support you if your preference is to work.

but it's* long enough...

I'm a SAHM and get annoyed about this but from a slightly different perspective. I think there is an overemphasis on how rewarding and easy being with your own children should be so it can be a bit of a shock when you don't find it that way and actually find it tough, boring and draining. Even SAHPs feel like this some/most of the time and I do think quite a small minority of people would have the skillset and character traits required to make SAHPing the walk in the park that it is portrayed to be. Like any other work or role some people will be better suited to it than others and there is nothing wrong with recognising you're not necessarily enjoying it.

The rose tinted view of the SAHP role just works to devalue the work that SAHPs do and how difficult the role can be AND it makes WOHPs feel bad that they have rejected the role in favour of working. Afterall if it's all smiles, cuddlss and rainbows then it would take a really heartless woman to return back to their careers...

HA HA HA HA HA I practically RAN all the way on my first dayback after MAT leave whooping and hollaring all the way!

I was very ready to go back to work after my year on Mat leave. Horses for courses - being a SAHM would be part of my absolute nightmare (got to leave room for working in a nursery and/or at Disneyland Paris!) but some people really enjoy it. You’re not missing anything, just different people like different things. I also value earning my own money aswell, and of course working is a key part of that.

You don't love your job more than your kids, you love BALANCE.

These women obviously don't like their roles, maybe they have a boring job and you don't, maybe they are paid badly so don't feel like working is "worth it" and this has impacted on their attitude to it. Perhaps they are just a little bit lazy and cannot really be bothered to do anything other than potter about the house with kids.

Also I find some adults like myself, crave conversation more than others. My other half could happily not speak to another human for a whole week I am convinced, but I would miss not sharing my thoughts or communicating. Unfortunately there is only so much chat you can get from your little kids.

Bumptiy totally agree.

"Women's work" is usually devalued by society, often not recognised as work at all, constantly picked at (mothers seem to be held responsible for everything!), and on top of all that we're supposed to do it smiling and there's something wrong if we aren't in a constant state of overjoyment.

Of course as soon as a man does it he's amazing and clever and wow

All of this is down to personality anyway - my DH is very "maternal" and never happier than when covered with babies/toddlers, he's much more patient than me, loves repeatedly picking the keys up off the floor and etc. I am much better now they are older, he is too soft and they run rings round him!

It's all horses for courses. I did find the expectation that I would be super happy and excited when PG and then on some kind of cloud of bliss with the baby very difficult. I found it really hard and am much happier now they are bigger.

To be honest everyone said this stuff about how when you first hold your baby you fall in love immediately and all that sort of thing. It didn't happen with me - although DH felt that way. For me it has been a longer time - I have fallen in love with them but more slowly - and in a way that was really nice.

I think these sorts of things should be discussed more TBH.