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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want to go back to work full time

56 replies

NameChangedSsh · 24/08/2018 07:58

It’s a very long story but to try and keep it short (and try to give as much info as I can do here goes.....)

We’re having a lot of work done on our house at the minute and so have been living with family for 6 months.
We have DCs, husband works in a good city job and I run a business from home part time (still quite new, but going positively)

We’ve just found out that there are structural issues our first builder hasn’t identified and it’s is actually going to take another 6 months to put right (there have been a lot of problems and we basically had to tear the house down and start again - we were only supposed to be out 3 months) and it’s going to cost a lot more too.

Family are fantastic but It’s been difficult to define rules re our DCs. Family don’t listen to how I (we) want to raise DCs and tend to interfere/ undermine me (I don’t think it’s on purpose, I think they just feel like they know best/ their house etc)

So all of a sudden it’s been discussed that I’ll close my business and go back to work full time to find the additional build while family look after DCs full time.

I feel really uncomfortable with this and I probably am being unreasonable but I wanted to get some perspective - thanks!

This post was edited by MNHQ at OP's request

OP posts:

EdisonLightBulb · 24/08/2018 08:31

I think @araiwa was on your side as you were getting a bit of stick not jumping up and down with happiness about being sent out to FT work and giving up your business.

There have been a few similar threads recently, pussy lodger is a piss take of cock lodger I suspect.

greendale17 · 24/08/2018 08:33

I wouldn’t be happy using a big chunk of savings.

You say you earn minimum wage with your business. What if the business fails? You don’t know what might happen in the next year. I would go full time and fund the build that way.

enviousofthepalace · 24/08/2018 08:34

That’s a disgusting way to talk ariwaa

ButchyRestingFace · 24/08/2018 08:34

In laws offered and DH accepted without talking to me

Well, he’s bang out or order there. What does he have to say for himself?

SleepingStandingUp · 24/08/2018 08:38

If you close your business now, you might not get it going again. The customers you have now may be wary of being loyal next time knowing you'll close on a whim.

Could you get a part time job on the side on condition that DH steps up with his contribution to childcare and housework?

Deux · 24/08/2018 08:41

I think it's outrageous that your ILs and DH have cooked up this plan without consulting you. Effectively making decisions on your behalf. Paternalistic, much?

This is just awful. Regardless of their motivations, however benign, they shouldn’t be doing this.

I think you're going to have to stand up for yourself and tell them how outrageous it is.

Pengggwn · 24/08/2018 08:43

Has the OP not said her business (20 hours a week) is making about minimum wage? So, she has a job.

MarthasGinYard · 24/08/2018 08:45

'So all of a sudden it’s been discussed that I’ll close my business and go back to work full time to find the additional build while in laws look after 2YO full time.'

Discussed by whom

PurpleDaisies · 24/08/2018 08:48

Who is telling you that you MUST close your business and get a full time job?

You need to say no, that’s not what you want.

simplepimple · 24/08/2018 08:48

So all of a sudden it’s been discussed that I’ll close my business and go back to work full time to find the additional build while in laws look after 2YO full time.

YANBU - it sounds like you had no part in this decision. You are allowed to say no and concentrate on continuing with your business and focusing on providing the kind of childcare your dc needs. Which is you being his primary carer and not your PIL. (who don't appear have the same values at all.)

Ignore the negative posts on this thread op. I don't think people realise quite how you are feeling.

Orchiddingme · 24/08/2018 08:49

You sound very powerless in the situation- they are using your money (now family money) to fund the build, there's plenty of it, but have decided you should go out to work and give child to ILs.

You need to get your husband on his own for a while and have a very frank chat.

Why are they telling you how to live your life?

Disfordarkchocolate · 24/08/2018 08:53

I would say no, and have words with my husband about why he thought his was his decision to make. You are working, you are looking after your child and joint savings are being used for the build. You are doing your share.

tomhazard · 24/08/2018 08:54

Yanbu how dare they just make a decision about what you are going to do behind your back? This is a decision for you and your DH to discuss thoroughly, including the childcare options.
And anyway, how are you just going to stroll back into full time work? Is there someone who is going to give you a full time job at the drop of a hat? Why should you close your business that you've worked hard on?

I don't blame you for being upset OP, if someone tried to decide what I was going to do with my life, which included seeing less of a very young child, I would be very upset. I am about to start full time work for a year with two children age 3 and 6. It's been a huge decision that's been taken in consultation with my DH and has involved a lot of jiggling about of work timetables, childcare, household tasks and general life schedules. It's not just 'off you go to full time work now'

Tw1nsetAndPearls · 24/08/2018 08:57

It doesn't seem fair for them all to make a decision on your behalf?

Do they have an issue with your business? Is at a MLM?

Theresnodisneyending · 24/08/2018 08:58

That's really shitty he's just gone and decided this without asking you, like you're his chattel to do with as he wishes.

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2018 09:07

Just say no. Very firmly. You get to decide the course of your life. It sounds as though they are infantilising you. You say you have more than enough capital to cover the costs, do you have the money to rent a small flat?

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2018 09:07

Oh and to add, I’m failing to see the advantage to you working full time when your dd will be brought up in a way not of your choosing.

ScarlettDarling · 24/08/2018 09:14

How dare they? Have I got this right? Your dh and in laws have decided-without involving you- that you are going to give up your business and go out to work full time? Well, this is where you need to stand up for yourself. This is your decision, not theirs. You have enough money in your savings to fund the building work so there shouldn't be an issue. Be brave op.

chocatoo · 24/08/2018 09:14

I can see that it would solve the short term problem but surely the better long term plan from a financial and practical point of view is for you to stick with your own business and grow that?
Also it was wrong of your husband to say yes to your in laws without talking to you. Perhaps they felt more comfortable making the initial offer to him though and assumed that he would then go and discuss with you in private?
Finally I think if you are living in their home, you do probably have to bite your tongue a little about them interfering with how you bring up your son - I think it’s inevitable that there will be differences of opinion and you perhaps have to pick your battles. It won’t be forever.

ToesInWater · 24/08/2018 09:18

The issue here for me isn't whether or not you will work FT it's the fact that your DH and his parents had this discussion without you and came up with a solution without consulting you. I would be angry beyond belief with your "D"H. Sit down with him, work out what works for your family of three and tell your in laws what is happening. I would also make it very clear that if they want their son to stay married they need to show you some respect.

Ruralretreating · 24/08/2018 09:19

It’s a joint decision between you and your DH. It can’t just be imposed on you, stand up for yourself if it is not what you want.

Bluelady · 24/08/2018 09:24

Just say no. It's as easy as that.

Neshoma · 24/08/2018 09:24

I wonder if the inlaws want their home back. You say you moved in initially for 3 months, now it's a year. Not that they don't love you but I'd hate someone moving in for a year.

Perhaps with you out the house all day this is part way to having their home back.

Having said that, where will you find a job? It would have to be agency work I suppose on a contract. Instead of working can you move into rented for 6 months and get your family life back together that way.

You all need to sit down and look at the situation.

user1471426142 · 24/08/2018 09:29

That is outrageous that it has been decided for you. It wouldn’t have been unreasonable for your husband to ask you but that is a big change they’ve cooked up for you without your input and I’d be fuming.

ferrier · 24/08/2018 09:48

MN is notoriously in favour of the 2 FT worker model so it's not a great place to ask your question.

The actual answer is that it's between you and dh only. Can you pick up a very small job that brings in a little extra money. Shelf stacking whatever perhaps when dh is at home so he can enforce your parenting style (or dc is asleep).

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