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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Single mum having to go to hospital

46 replies

Xdaniellejadex · 24/08/2018 06:41

I am pregnant with my 3rd child and have split up with their dad (we do not get on) and moved away to have a fresh start about an hour and a half drive away. My 2 other kids are of school age 4 and 6. However baby scans have showed she is very poorly n needs emergency operation as soon as she is born at a hospital almost a 3 hour drive away and will be kept in for a long time weeks if not months afterwards. I still have about 3 months left but I'm so worried about what I'm going to do with my other children whilst I'm in hospital all that time with the baby! Even if I hadn't moved away I don't have anyone else to help me out with the kids anyway. I don't have any family willing to help and over the years with my ex I don't have any contact with friends anymore. Some advice please. Thanks

OP posts:

WipsGlitter · 24/08/2018 06:49

Speak to the baby's dad

Speak to your midwife / care team.

Your children could maybe go into temporary care if there was no alternative.

Original poster

Xdaniellejadex · 24/08/2018 07:24

Thankyou I'm back at the hospital today for more scans so I'll ask more then

OP posts:

MrBloomsLeftVeg · 24/08/2018 07:26

Find out if it is a hospital with a Ronald MacDonald house. You may all be able to stay there together?

Camelsinthegobi · 24/08/2018 07:49

I’ve had a baby who had a medical condition leading to birth and operations in hospitals far far away. I had some support but in your circumstances I would say that the children’s Dad will have to have them over the birth (you may not like it, but he’ll just have to). When you've worked out which way is up i.e. you’ve recovered enough from the birth, baby is stabilised/assessed/a plan is in place, you may feel able to have them all together in a Ronald Macdonald house if there is one. But the 6 year old should be at school and, realistically looking aftet the older children in these circumstances is a full time job without having much time to spend with baby. Siblings aren’t usually allowed when baby is in Intensive Care, though usually are on the ward. Unfortunately, you may find yourself having to leave the baby in the care of the nurses. They will understand and have seen this situation many times. Perhaps a mix of Dad having the older ones, Ronald MacDonald house with all and leaving the baby for the duration of baby’s hospital stay. An incredibly difficult situation for you, but you will get through it. Our time there seems like a distant and very strange memory now...

Camelsinthegobi · 24/08/2018 07:51

Just read my message back - I didn’t mean leave the baby for the whole time, but a mix of leaving, staying in a Ronald Macdonald house and Dad having the children over the duration.

kaytee87 · 24/08/2018 07:59

What was your plan with the kids for labour and birth?

If you have absolutely no one to care for them then you will have to contact social services.

Consider asking a school mum first though. If an acquaintance explained this situation to me I'd happily help out.

kaytee87 · 24/08/2018 08:00

And I'm sorry you've had this news about your baby. It must be terribly worrying

Original poster

Xdaniellejadex · 24/08/2018 08:19

Thankyou everyone, I have googled n doesn't have a Ronald mcdonald house, the kids dad would have them that wouldn't bother me it's just he lives an hour n half drive from the school, they will both be in full time school in sept as my youngest starting reception to! Iv not long moved into the area so I haven't met any of the other mums yet. I wouldn't have a problem with the kids dad staying at mine while I'm in hospital but I just don't think he will do it to make things harder and more awkward for me. The only other thing Iv thought is if they went back to their old school temporarily but then I don't know if they would be able to as its very over subscribed as it is! I hadn't thought to much about what I'd do about when I went into labour anyway but I had asked the midwife what other people do n she said home birth but obv I can't do that now. I know it's sounds stupid that Iv moved away now but I had planned to after the baby was born and I was going to stay at his til after I got out of hosp n then move away but he kicked me out so I didn't really have a choice!

OP posts:

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 24/08/2018 08:33

I don’t think they can go back to their old school temporarily, so the children’s dad will either have to stay at your house, or the children will not have to be in school at his. I guess that would cause problems with work though and not ideal for a child just starting school.

Is there no one at all who could move into yours whilst you’re in hospital?

RingtheBells · 24/08/2018 08:42

When I was young my DPs used to be temporary foster carers in cases such as this, they used to foster DC whose parents were in hospital etc so the DC could carry on their normal life of going to school etc. IIRC these placements were local children for periods of a few days or a few weeks. I know this isn't ideal but maybe worth looking into as a last resort, this was in the 1960s so also maybe completely different now, but I imagine such a thing must exist in case single parents with no other family have to go into hospital

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 24/08/2018 08:47

Unsure obs of your financial situation but if its ok could you not employ a nanny for a few weeks just to be there whilst you give birth and maybe for a week or so till you recover ..then you can figure the rest out with your lovely new baby afterwards? just a short term placement might help you get over the initial first few weeks? Good luck and Best Wishes hope everything goes ok for you all

makingmiracles · 24/08/2018 08:47

Yesdef contact ss. If they cannot provide temporary care they may be able to assist in other ways such as providing transport to school from your exp house or something, worth asking I for they can help.

ChipmunksAreMissing · 24/08/2018 08:50

What about a temp Nanny? Or a mothers help?
I was really poorly after having DD2 and we had someone come over and help us out with things around the house and watching DD1 etc. I know this isn't the same but you could contact an agency and see what they can offer you.

ChipmunksAreMissing · 24/08/2018 08:50

Cross post with Pp

NewYearNewMe18 · 24/08/2018 08:50

Speak to the school, the hospital, foster care may be a solution.

SleepyMcEdie · 24/08/2018 08:51

Do you not have any family near you? I’m not sure on why you moved so far from your DC’s Dad if it wasn’t to have family support elsewhere?

Themerrygoroundoflife · 24/08/2018 08:53

As others have said, either employ a nanny and go back and forth (make sure you tell the school so the children are supported) or I think you may need to contact social services. My friend was in foster care when her mum had cancer. It was all labelled as ‘respite care’ and foster carers were really good at facilitating contact.

MaitlandGirl · 24/08/2018 08:55

I had friends who were temporary foster carers and they would look after children like yours. They were introduced to the children before hand and got to know them before the planned hospital admission (or expected date with spontaneous labour) and would bring the kids into the hospital to visit the mum where it was appropriate. They’d never had children of their own and I remember my friends being so excited about holding a tiny newborn while the siblings hugged their mum and told them all about the fun they’d had. When I last spoke with them they’d kept in touch with every single family they’d helped out.

Sometimes they would have mum recuperating at home with them as well as having the children there after the surgery.

They were lovely people who were great at what they did and helped out so many single mums (no single dads but that was simply due to a lack of need rather than it not being a service that was offered).

If you talk to the midwifery team they will be able to let you know how to sort out something like this.

Winosaurus · 24/08/2018 08:56

My friend is a temporary foster carer and does exactly as a PD described their parents doing. Currently my friend is looking after a 3 month old baby and a 2.5yo whilst their mother recovers from a hysterectomy. She takes the children to visit their mum regularly and I think she’s got them for a total of 6 weeks. Speak to SS and see if they can offer something like this to you xx

Winosaurus · 24/08/2018 08:57

PP* not PD 🤦🏼‍♀️

fieryginger · 24/08/2018 09:21

I second the Ronald McDonald house near the hospital (if it's a major one), your kids could even, temporarily, go to a nearby school maybe? It's keep you all together whilst you go through this tough time.

You really need to start sorting this out ASAP though. Talk to midwife, see what she says, if she doesn't know, ask if she knows the relevant department to get in touch with.

Good luck 💐

hungryhippie · 24/08/2018 09:28

The sick children's trust also have rooms at hospitals, like ronald mcdonald house do.
Sometimes the hospital itself can put you up. My son had a liver transplant as a baby, in Leeds and we were allowed to stay in hospital accomodation in an old wing there.
We lived at Leeds for 6 months. My eldest was 13 at the time and we ended up having to take him out of school for a while and he was given work to complete while at the hospital.

The hospital will have its own social worker who can help with all of this. Foster care can be a last resort. As the hospital if you can speak to their social worker. They are not normal social workers, they are there to help people with sick children.

hungryhippie · 24/08/2018 09:30

Also, you can transfer your care to a hospital that DOES have a Ronald Mcdonald house.
I gave birth in Manchester for that reason. I dont live in Manchester.

StylishMummy · 24/08/2018 09:44

If you can name the hospital then people may be able to suggest charities active in that area who may be able to help?

mazed · 24/08/2018 12:05

Hospitals DON'T have social workers to help with this.

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