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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Single mum having to go to hospital

46 replies

Xdaniellejadex · 24/08/2018 06:41

I am pregnant with my 3rd child and have split up with their dad (we do not get on) and moved away to have a fresh start about an hour and a half drive away. My 2 other kids are of school age 4 and 6. However baby scans have showed she is very poorly n needs emergency operation as soon as she is born at a hospital almost a 3 hour drive away and will be kept in for a long time weeks if not months afterwards. I still have about 3 months left but I'm so worried about what I'm going to do with my other children whilst I'm in hospital all that time with the baby! Even if I hadn't moved away I don't have anyone else to help me out with the kids anyway. I don't have any family willing to help and over the years with my ex I don't have any contact with friends anymore. Some advice please. Thanks

OP posts:

Shednik · 24/08/2018 12:26

Oh yes they do Mazed

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 24/08/2018 12:28

most hospitals have a Ronald McDonald house for these situations.

nocoolnamesleft · 24/08/2018 12:34

Most tertiary hospitals have family accommodation to help. It often isn't Ronald McDonald. But without knowing which hospital it is...

SummerHoliday79 · 24/08/2018 12:44

Schools CAN temporarily take on children, even if it takes them over their numbers. This is under the headteacher's power and discretion. Your children may still be able to keep their place at the new school too if you talk to them and make them aware of the potential absence.

I have worked with several schools who have taken children on for temporary moves. I would think as the old school know your children they may be more likely to accomodate you in this.

stillnotTheDoctor · 24/08/2018 12:48

Single mum employing a nanny 😂😂🤦🏻‍♀️ sometimes I wonder what planet half of mumsnet live on.

stillnotTheDoctor · 24/08/2018 12:56

You may just have to leave the baby. I know that's horrid but it's probably what you'll be expected to do. Xx

sashh · 24/08/2018 13:58

I was thinking temp fostering.

Agree with talking to your care team at the hospital. Hospitals do have social workers and can arrange things.

Your ex moving into your home sounds to me like the best option, he might want to make things hard for you but moving in rather than a 3 hour round trip to get the kids to school is easier for him.

I think if you can keep the kids in their new school to keep things as consistent as possible.

upsideup · 24/08/2018 14:07

Can't they just live with their dad and then travel half an hour to school each day?

notdaddycool · 24/08/2018 14:17

Try citizens advice and maybe volunteering matters or home start. I’d also discuss with current headteacher.

supercalifragilistic2 · 24/08/2018 14:21

Single mum employing a nanny 😂😂🤦🏻‍♀️ sometimes I wonder what planet half of mumsnet live on.

I thought the same 😂😂😂😂😂😂

londonmummy1966 · 24/08/2018 14:30

Don't want to offend you if you aren't religious but is there a large family focused church in your area? You could think of attending and getting to know some families before school starts - also families that go to church are often helpful and the minister/vicar/priest might also have come across similar cases or know where you could go for help or offer a hand hold if you have to deal with SS or the local school.

HoppingPavlova · 24/08/2018 14:43

When one of mine was born they required immediate major surgery and were in for several months. At the time there were another 2 babies who’s mums were from the country on rural properties (several hours away via helicopter). Both had DH’s who definitely could not just stop work and given it could be months until the babies were able to come home they didn’t want to to impact their other kids schooling etc. It wasn’t even as easy as popping in one weekend a month given the logistics of charter flights needed from their properties. So they usually visited roughly once every 2/3 months for a few days while people helped with kids back home.

There were other people who lived a fair distance from the hospital, several hours by road who had other kids who needed to go to school. They would normally come every weekend leaving dad to look after the kids Sat/Sun.

The hospital will be well used to such things and will not judge. Our hospital had ward grannies (retired ladies who volunteered). If a baby was in this situation they would be allocated a ward granny who would sit with the baby for several hours a day and cuddle baby if the baby was able to be picked up (some are not). Read to the baby, sing etc. When baby slept they would read a magazine or go have some lunch. Obviously the babies were physically looked after by the nurses who were a constant presence.

RB68 · 24/08/2018 14:49

If you speak to the MW and ask for their help - they will put you in touch with a Health Visitor or social services and their is temporary foster care available. They try to keep it as local as possible to you and as its temporary etc they will try and keep visits up as well, they will also do all childcare such as school runs sandwich making etc.

I would say if baby is poorly you may also get transferred to a larger or specialist hospital you really need to talk all this through with midwives and consultant which you should be under supervision of if baby is so poorly.

I would say the less you rely on ex the better myself.

Do you have a Mum, Aunty or cousins that could help with the kids short term.

Also if leaving was to do with DV the DV teams are usually great with these sorts of situations and would be worth getting in touch with.

QueenAravisOfArchenland · 24/08/2018 14:53

Are you in any local Facebook groups? If not, consider finding one and posting about your situation on it to see if people can point you in the right direction or provide any help locally. People can be very generous with those genuinely in need, although you'll of course need to vet each other a bit. Good luck.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 24/08/2018 15:00

Sorry to hear this OP, it must be stressful for you. I know you said you didn't think your ex would move in your house while you were in hospital but do you think you could ask him? Obviously his job is a consideration but him looking after the dc at their house seems like the best solution for them and you.

SinkGirl · 24/08/2018 15:13

I think you need to talk to the hospital about which ward your baby will be on and what the set up is.

My twins were in nicu, one was in for two months but after a couple of weeks I had the other at home from two weeks old so i was only able to be there for five or six hours a day. This wasn’t a problem.

When he was 3 months old he was readmitted to paeds it was completely different. You literally couldn’t leave, they didn’t have enough staff. Don’t know what I would have done if it weren’t for my DH.

You also need to speak to the father - they’re his kids too, this is not just your problem.

anniehm · 24/08/2018 15:19

You need to talk to their dad. He may be more willing to help than you think, explain that the kids need to be in school. However if keeping them at home isn't an option, talk to their school, perhaps they could attend near their fathers house for a term - it won't be the first time the school has had similar issues to help out with. Social services will step in as a last resort but they will ask a lot of questions, some you may wish avoiding

Cardiganandcuppa · 24/08/2018 18:01

If you’re willing to give us a rough idea of area OP, posters on here may have ideas. Otherwise I think social care will be your best bet.

What a horrid situation for you, I am sorry.

CatLadyToddlerMother · 24/08/2018 18:15

Are your children in any kind of childcare now? Just wondering if they might be able to help recommend someone or even help with travel to/from school in the situation.

Lavende · 24/08/2018 18:30

I have no helpful advice but my heart goes out to you

MatildaTheCat · 24/08/2018 18:38

Foster care would only be considered by SS if there was absolutely no alternative and there is: their dad. They may need to go and stay with him while you are in hospital with the baby but SS may be able to intervene to get them back into their old school temporarily.

Although it’s extremely difficult, if your baby will be in hospital for Amy weeks you need to consider who will need and miss you most, baby or your older dc? As pls have said, it’s not uncommon for parents to live too far away to stay the whole time. Once your baby is stabilised you may need to go home and keep in touch with regular calls.

If your ex would consider moving to your house it may be batter for your dc but unfortunately it’s going to be a difficult and emotional time for them and they may we’ll be needy and tricky just when you are emotional yourself.

Use any support you can get whether family, friends or professional and get through day by day.

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