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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL ignores my presence in the family and DH seem to be cool with it.

38 replies

Mamalette · 23/08/2018 23:27

MIL from the beginning seem not to approve of our plans to get married and seized the opportunity to go every length to discredit both myself and my family. On the wedding day, she was so obviously unhappy that it was captured on photographs and people made so much comments about it. Four years ago MIL was invited to assist me with looking after my DS who was just over a year so I could return to work as DH was rounding up his thesis. MIL gave me grief whilst with us and would refuse to do her laundry at home let alone air dry it as she claims it doesn't come out crisp. She would insist on going to the laundrete to have her washing done. While visiting, she was fussy with food, wants me to do all cooking and would not lift a finger except when I hand DS to her. She accused me of loads of thins i.e switching off the radiator in her room and not serving her food.MIL reported to her daughter's who in turn threatened me and rained abuse on me/My family. DH though confronted MIL on one occasion whilst she was still around didn't go further to address the genesis of the issues stated. He tends to shy away from discussing it with her/FIL. MIL before she left had confronted me saying I should ensure nothing happens to his son and must assist DH to make sure he graduates (PhD). MIL treats me as if I do not exist. She would speak/ chat on WhatsApp with DH without checking on me. She will ask for financial support from DH and would not even deem it necessary to thank us as couple for assisting her. Been watching this for long now. She will call his name and thank him without acknowledging my role in that. That money is from both of us. My money is equally in there. MIL has just asked for FS and DH obliged but has refused to acknowledge my suggestion on the amount to give. AIBU to feel sad about this?. Should I speak to DH about how I feel. He is not being sensitive to my emotions tbh.

OP posts:
LadyLoveYourWhat · 24/08/2018 00:37

MIL was invited to assist me with looking after my DS

🙄

I feel a bit sorry for the woman, you obviously don't like her very much, but wanted her to come and do a massive favour for you. Let her do her washing where she wants! Did you expect her to do all the cooking as well as the childcare while she was your guest?

Original poster
Mamalette · 24/08/2018 05:38

Not exactly. I expected at least to be able to hear up simple meals that I stocked up surely that wouldn't do no harm. But waiting all day until you are back to do that was simply not called for. I see no sense in her insisting of taking her washing elsewhere, felt she just wanted to be difficult.

OP posts:
Ghanagirl · 24/08/2018 05:52

I think your wording makes you sound a bit rude “invited to assist looking after DC” she wasn’t really assisting she was providing childcare to enable you to return to work.
Also if she made it clear that she doesn’t like you why would you want her to look after DC?

toomuchtooold · 24/08/2018 06:02

So DH gives her money and you have no say in how much? I think that's your problem right there. I've no doubt she was unbearable when she stayed with you (I'm guessing your DH asked her to look after your DC, and that he and possibly she discounted the alternative of nursery/childminder as too expensive or that she would have been so mortally offended if you'd gone elsewhere for childcare that you had no option but to accept and pretend to be grateful) but it is hard to get across on an AIBU post what it is like living with someone who hates you but knows that they have to keep their aggression passive in order to keep getting invited back. The pettiness of their nastiness only serves to underline it. The things that they make trouble over are so small, only someone who really disliked you would go to the bother... does that sound familiar?

I would suggest you read Susan Forwards Toxic Parents or Toxic In-laws books, they might give you some tips for establishing boundaries with your MIL. Regarding the money, which is the livr issue, I would say you need to make it clear to your DH that you don't want to pay her way, and that his support of her is discretionary spending which should be matched with reserving as much money out of the shared budget for you to do with as you want.

WhatAnAbsolutePenis · 24/08/2018 06:11

This is one where I’d actually like to hear the MIL’s point of view. I expect it will differ greatly from yours.

You invited her to assist you with looking after DS?
In other words, she is free child care and she feels treated like shit for it to boot.

headhurtstoomuch · 24/08/2018 06:23

How long did she 'assist' you with looking after your DS and was she paid for this? The way it reads she left her own house to come live with you ...is she from a different country?

DonutCone · 24/08/2018 06:24

Oh my God, 'she was invited to assist'. Well with an offer like that who could refuse?!

Do you think it's some incredible privilege to provide free child care that you so graciously provided her?

Original poster
Mamalette · 24/08/2018 06:30

Ghanagirl..DH wanted his mum to come round because he wanted to come look after DS. We would have been fine without because she ended up leaving after a couple of months so his initial thought of staying longer and helping out didn't work after all. Invited was used because she lived elsewhere.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamalette · 24/08/2018 06:33

Toomuchtooold that sound exactly familiar it's a shame the extent she went. The hassle in the end didn't worth the support tbh.

OP posts:
FittonTower · 24/08/2018 06:35

You seem to have very high expectations of her behaviour - she has to ask after you everytime she speaks to her son and thank you "as a couple" as well as "assist you in looking after DS".
Why does it matter how she does her laundry?? If you chill out on the small things that really really don't matter if anything big comes up (like your sister in law threatening you) might be easier to deal with and not just a serious spot in a list of irrelevant complaints.

VimFuego101 · 24/08/2018 06:38

When you say 'invited to assist' I think you actually mean 'asked for a huge favour which she kindly agreed to'. If a grandparent provides childcare, you have to accept that they may do things a certain way that you don't always agree with.

BertrandRussell · 24/08/2018 06:39

"I've no doubt she was unbearable when she stayed with you" Blimey-there's nasterpiece in reading between the lines! How on earth did you get all that from the OP? Of course it could be true. But not based on the information we've for so far!

Original poster
Mamalette · 24/08/2018 06:39

Whatanabsolutepenis certainly she thought so because it was highlighted in one of SIL's text. Would have been nice to hear her version of the event as I haven't heard other than what she told her DC/ FIL. Which was around been at home all day looking after DC.

OP posts:
KC225 · 24/08/2018 06:42

I think you were asking for trouble by making her your child care arrangement, especially after the way she had treated you before and during your wedding. With that attitude hanging in the air - she was never going be Mary Poppins rolled up into your best friend. Clearly she has used childcare as a stick to beat you with.

I am assuming she no longer provides childcare. The money issue would rile me- is there a cultural element going on? Does your DH feel obligated to provide support for his parents? They seem to have quiteba hold over him.

I wouldn't abstain, don't sweat the small stuff. So what if she doesn't ask after you? Ignore it? Don't ask after her. After all this time it may mellow but its unlikely to improve. Remove yourself from the what's app group then you don't have to bother. Let him take your DS to visit his parents. Don't let them undermine you any longer.

As for your DH - he is being disrespectful about the money. Maybe suggest separating the finances and he can support them from his account if he is not going to discuss the financial support he gives to his parents. Or suggest gifting YOUR parents the same.

Original poster
Mamalette · 24/08/2018 06:42

Headhottoomuch she came from a different country. The intent was to pay her the cost of child care and initially thought she would stay for a min of six months. She ended up insisting on changing her ticket after a couple of months.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 24/08/2018 06:42

Hang on-this happened 4 years ago? What's the situation like now?

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2018 06:47

That would really piss me off too. From staying with you to provide childcare to giving financial support without discussing it with you, it sounds as though the boundaries are really blurred in his family.

Is this a cultural thing?

Original poster
Mamalette · 24/08/2018 06:54

KC225. You sure nailed it. My reply posts suggests she left earlier than scheduled. MIL have a nasty way of trying to control those around her inclusive of FIL/DH. Her daughter's ain't left out. She played a major role in all her DDs failed marriages.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamalette · 24/08/2018 07:02

It's cultural thing for children to look after parents, however it's not an obligation or a right. It's a choice and as parents there is some level of gratitude expected I.e. supporting children when need be or emphasising with them when times are tough which was the case when MIL but failed to notice or completely ignored the fact. Did I even mention in her message she stated she should have allowed DH to marry his ex. Unknown to her DH told me she practically made that poor lady's life unbearable when she visited them. She had to call it quit.

OP posts:
toomuchtooold · 24/08/2018 07:03

Bertrand, the OP says that the MIL gave her lots of grief, that she never lifted a finger to help in the house, that she badmouthed the OP to the extended family leading to the OP receiving abuse from them. That sounds unbearable to me.
It's possible the OP is lying or exaggerating, as you often point out on these sorts of threads, but I choose to believe the OP and take their posts at face value because otherwise what is the point of reading any of this? If she wanted to make something up, I'm sure she could think of better material than "my MIL uses the laundrette when she comes over".

Juells · 24/08/2018 07:31

PP are being very unfair focusing on the 'invited to assist', I think. As far as I can see, that was all about allowing the OP to work to support the MiL's darling son. It wasn't to help the OP.

Pengggwn · 24/08/2018 07:34

Four years ago MIL was invited to assist me with looking after my DS who was just over a year so I could return to work as DH was rounding up his thesis.

Sorry but this is a cracker.

Loopytiles · 24/08/2018 07:37

“Invited to assist”, live in, in a different country, for 6 months! Grin

Mummyoflittledragon · 24/08/2018 07:37

She sounds pure poison unfortunately. At least you know it’s not personal. With this in mind it is a massive blessing she left early. I wouldn’t want her looking after my dd.

I agree with everything KC225 has said bar taking your ds to see her as it would be likely she’d look after your ds. Who knows how she’d treat him. She doesn’t have a good track record for how she treats her children. Secondly if your dh is that much under her influence I’d be concerned she’d persuade your dh to stay and not return home. She has already broken up his previous relationship and his dds marriages. Which country is it? Would you be able to get your ds back if he did this?

Kerrylou92 · 24/08/2018 07:40

She did it too his ex too ??
At least you know it's not just you then. Is there no good enough for a dc ?
She sounds like a nightmare.
I would put my foot down you have done nothing to this woman and all she does is bad mouth you to the point you get threatened. Maybe DH see it as a 'normal' that's why he is ok with it. But definitely put your foot down she needs to be at least civil to you and tell dh that it's both of your money so you have a say and you should be thanked as a couple!
He obviously loves you other wise he wouldn't marry you right. I wouldn't have argument about it. Just a heart to heart ❣