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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL ignores my presence in the family and DH seem to be cool with it.

38 replies

Mamalette · 23/08/2018 23:27

MIL from the beginning seem not to approve of our plans to get married and seized the opportunity to go every length to discredit both myself and my family. On the wedding day, she was so obviously unhappy that it was captured on photographs and people made so much comments about it. Four years ago MIL was invited to assist me with looking after my DS who was just over a year so I could return to work as DH was rounding up his thesis. MIL gave me grief whilst with us and would refuse to do her laundry at home let alone air dry it as she claims it doesn't come out crisp. She would insist on going to the laundrete to have her washing done. While visiting, she was fussy with food, wants me to do all cooking and would not lift a finger except when I hand DS to her. She accused me of loads of thins i.e switching off the radiator in her room and not serving her food.MIL reported to her daughter's who in turn threatened me and rained abuse on me/My family. DH though confronted MIL on one occasion whilst she was still around didn't go further to address the genesis of the issues stated. He tends to shy away from discussing it with her/FIL. MIL before she left had confronted me saying I should ensure nothing happens to his son and must assist DH to make sure he graduates (PhD). MIL treats me as if I do not exist. She would speak/ chat on WhatsApp with DH without checking on me. She will ask for financial support from DH and would not even deem it necessary to thank us as couple for assisting her. Been watching this for long now. She will call his name and thank him without acknowledging my role in that. That money is from both of us. My money is equally in there. MIL has just asked for FS and DH obliged but has refused to acknowledge my suggestion on the amount to give. AIBU to feel sad about this?. Should I speak to DH about how I feel. He is not being sensitive to my emotions tbh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamalette · 24/08/2018 07:57

Yes she was invited so dh could focus on his thesis of which he needed to do some field trip abroad! Don't see any point exaggerating as it's difficult to put down all that transpired during these period. It's bad enough I didn't get to talk about this with her as would have loved to give me closure. As my post may sound, am still hurt and being forced to live as though all is okay is my greatest issue here.

OP posts:
Rosemary46 · 24/08/2018 08:12

Four years ago MIL was invited to assist me with looking after my DS who was just over a year so I could return to work as DH was rounding up his thesis

I’m confused. How was she assisting you ? She was assisting her son by looking after her grand child so that her son could finish his thesis.

Or is your Ds not your husbands child / her grandson ?

EdisonLightBulb · 24/08/2018 08:21

I knew this was cultural with the treatment of the DIL this way and the financial requests without reference to you.

She's gone now, you can ignore her existence most of the time now but you need to sort out your DH. Every time he takes money to send home, do the same, to your bank account.

Esspee · 24/08/2018 08:32

Your husband is the one allowing this behaviour. If he refuses to change his attitude then perhaps he needs to go back to mummy.
I suspect though that there is a huge cultural dimension to this. Are you and he part of the same culture? Sounds to me as though you are more westernised and all the advice given here will be western norm. based and not take into account upbringing.

divadee · 24/08/2018 08:34

I think some posters are being harsh. I take that English is not the Op's first language and when she says "invited to assist" it is being taken the wrong way by English natives. I have many friends who would say it like this and english isn't there first language.

FASH84 · 24/08/2018 08:46

@divadee exactly, just some thinly veiled racism thrown at someone for whom English is a second language, but most PPs are ignoring the situation and highlighting one specific turn of phrase, which won't have the same nuance to a non native English speaker.

It sounds like MIL likes to control the relationships of her children, including her daughters' , OP you have a DH problem, he is so under her thumb that he isn't supporting you his wife and mother of his child, when she is being rude. She didn't come to visit to help you, she did that to help her son so he could study and you could work too support him, like others if you'd refused her 'support' I'm sure there would've been hell to pay. This comes down to your husband needing to be in your corner and not being afraid of mummy

Loopytiles · 24/08/2018 08:52

Yes, you need to seek to address things with DH, including what you’re going to do for childcare, how much family money is given to his family, and the length of visits!

ButchyRestingFace · 24/08/2018 08:59

The intent was to pay her the cost of child care and initially thought she would stay for a min of six months

Six months??. You asked someone who wandered around your nupitals with a face like a well skelped arse to come and do your childcare for 6 months??? What did you think would happen?? Shock

You’re right about the SiL and the money issues, btw. But this is more of a problem with your husband than his mother, who is at least, hopefully, now at the far end of a very crackly line which can always just keep dropping out. ✂️ ✂️ ✂️

Turkkadin · 24/08/2018 09:08

Yet another culture where women are treated badly, even by other women. OP my advice would be to have as little to do with this women as possible. I have a very similar mother in law and the last 15 years have taught me to pretty much act as if she doesn't exist.
I like to act as if she is as unimportant as I possible can. Learning to ignore her nasty comments and games has been truly liberating. In the early days she would infuriate me but not anymore. She is my husband's mother and he loves her and that is only right. She isn't my mother, I don't love her and that is my right too.

Original poster
Mamalette · 24/08/2018 09:36

Six months was far too much when DH proposed MIL's visit but could not do much as he had already informed his family and was quick to secure her visa and ticket. Looked like he didn't want my opinion anyway. Espee yes we all came from similar culture but our background vary. Turkkadin I think yours is a good source of inspiration. Tbh I try hard to ignore but as most have highlighted DH has so much to do. His actions and words doesn't match. Had a baby 5 months now and MIL had indicated interest to come look after the baby which I clearly told DH I am not in for her issues. It helps to talk about these things so to enable healing and closure.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 24/08/2018 12:50

Are you prepared to tolerate DH not seeking or disregarding your wishes?

CSIblonde · 24/08/2018 13:16

The 'assistance' was 4years ago? I assume there's been no repeat so why dwell on it, lesson learnt, and move on. It was never going to go well if she dislikes you so why she was asked is the real question. The money you need to both agree on, him deciding isn't on. If she wants to text just him, great, the less you have to speak to her the better.

Stromi13 · 24/08/2018 14:32

Your mil is a cunt. She treats you like you don’t exist? Time to repay the favour.

  1. Stop childcare. No babysitting. No nothing
  1. Limit your visits to once a month, once every 6 weeks. 2 hours. At a public place.
  1. Exclude her from everything in your life and your child’s life. She doesn’t deserve to know what’s going on with YOUR family
  1. Block her and your sils on your phone.

Enjoy your mil free life.

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