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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry he might take our daughter?

33 replies

user1496231209 · 23/08/2018 21:37

My little girl is 3 weeks old and her father and I had a very rocky relationship while I was pregnant which ended in him finishing things while I was 6 months pregnant.
He's very narcissistic and a compulsive liar, even down to lying to the registrar about his occupation to make himself seem more important.

I was in two minds about adding him onto the birth certificate without any court order in place but I knew adding him on was the right thing to do.

However at the appointment he asked to have five copies of the birth certificate and when I questioned him on this he said it was encase they got lost but it seems excessive and now he's asking for unsupervised access whereas up till now he has come and seen her when she's with me.

I'm terrified he's going to take her and refuse to return her and I don't want to talk about court/custody agreements as we're getting on okay at the moment and I don't want to get his back up.

Probably a silly post but I'm so scared that he'll not give her back to me and keep asking for her without me

OP posts:

Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2018 21:40

Why do you feel he will take her?
Do you feel he would harm her if he did take her?

UpstartCrow · 23/08/2018 21:40

I think you need to talk to Women's Aid and a solicitor.

NewYearNewMe18 · 23/08/2018 21:40

He could order 5 copies on line - its a public document - I could order them. That's not an issue

Why do you think he will take an keep her ?

Original poster

user1496231209 · 23/08/2018 21:41

It's just a really bad feeling I have that I've had since late pregnancy. He's always been really possessive over her calling her 'his' rather than 'ours' and almost treating me like a rent a womb.
He's never been abusive so I don't think woman's aid can help me it's just a really stressful situation 😞

OP posts:

Original poster

user1496231209 · 23/08/2018 21:42

I worry he wants to keep her almost like a trophy to say this is my daughter and look how great of a dad I am, that's the sort of man he's turned out to be.

OP posts:

UpstartCrow · 23/08/2018 21:44

You're mistaken about Women's Aid, please give them a ring. They can direct you to a clued up solicitor.

Nicknacky · 23/08/2018 21:44

You mention him calling the baby “his” when you did the exact same in the first line of your post.

NapQueen · 23/08/2018 21:45

At 3 weeks old no court in the land would insist on separating you and baby. Even for an hour.

Get her a passport so he cant.

AdaColeman · 23/08/2018 21:45

It is odd that he asked for so many copies of the birth certificate.
Is he from another country, is that why you are worried?

I'd say she was too young to be away from her mother, is she BF?

Original poster

user1496231209 · 23/08/2018 21:45

Thankyou @UpstartCrow I'll contact them tomorrow and @Nicknacky he does it when he's discussing her with me

OP posts:

Original poster

user1496231209 · 23/08/2018 21:46

I'm looking into getting her passport sorted as soon as I have the spare cash and that's what I was hoping for in regards to a court I didn't think they'd allow it so if worst came to worst I could apply for a residency order.

OP posts:

optimusprimesmother · 23/08/2018 21:49

user trust your instinct. We have it for when we sense danger.

Three weeks is very young to take her for unsupervised access. So on that basis alone I’d say no. Are you breast feeding?

Can I ask if he is British?

Original poster

user1496231209 · 23/08/2018 21:52

@optimusprimesmother unfortunately I'm not breastfeeding (not for want of trying) and I feel the exact same way about it being too young, I just don't want her away from me at all at the moment but he keeps asking since we got her registered which scares me.

The newest one is to see his grandad who apparently hasn't got long left

OP posts:

UpstartCrow · 23/08/2018 21:53

If you are breastfeeding its unreasonable for him to ask for unsupervised access (massive hint).

Original poster

user1496231209 · 23/08/2018 21:53

He is British yes

OP posts:

Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2018 21:53

Just be assured that even if he did take her one phone call to the police would have her back with you.
Then you refuse further contact and let him take you to court.

If he ever suggests having her without you just say no, you’re not comfortable with her being away from you yet.
Most of your feelings sound like first time mum stuff. If your daughter isn’t at risk from harm then there’s no reason why he shouldn’t be able to be alone with her eventually.

Original poster

user1496231209 · 23/08/2018 21:56

@Wetwashing00 would that be the case even though he has parental responsibility? I hope as she gets older these fears will be proven to be unfounded and I won't find it so hard

OP posts:

Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2018 22:05

I’m sure they would, seeing you distressed over him taking the baby & the age of the baby itself would probably be enough for them to bring the baby home to you.
If for what ever reason I am wrong then women’s aid would be able to help you get a court order/injunction & help you get residency.
He doesn’t have to be physically abusive towards you for you to qualify for help.
Taking a small baby from it’s mother just to be cruel to her is emotionally abusive.

gottastopeatingchocolate · 23/08/2018 22:08

@Wetwashing00 I don't believe that is true. If there is parental responsibility, the police will not return the child to another parent with PR, IME. My child is older, but I don't believe age comes into it.

OP, trust your instinct. Worst case scenario if you are wrong - some offence caused to the baby's dad. Worst case scenario if you are right - you have to go to court to get the baby returned to you. At three weeks I think it is quite reasonable to say no. The onus would be on the child's father to go to court for a Child Arrangements Order if he objected. With a CAO, you have more protection in terms of the child returning to you as per the order.

Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2018 22:10

If he’s not equipped to look after a 3 week old baby then surely that is a safeguarding issue. They would surely inspect his place to make sure there’s no issue

Threadastaire · 23/08/2018 22:13

As other posters have suggested, at 3 wks old and dad wanting unsupervised access id be worried about his understanding about a baby's needs. Not a question of dad vs mums but basic biology, they need their mums at that age (and yes some babies might not be with mum but if they aren't for any reason then they need their main, safe carer)

paintitaquamarine · 23/08/2018 22:13

Trust your instincts.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/08/2018 22:24

Remember that this prick is not above the law and does not have superpowers. No matter what he wants, or says he wants, you can refuse; shut the door, put the phone down on him etc. A good solicitor will be able to advise you on how to formalise things and put him in his place: any legal decisions will be made according to the best interests of the child. And it is not in the best interests of a tiny baby to be separated from her mum for any length of time.

ToeToToe · 23/08/2018 22:30

The mother is the primary carer of a baby that is a few week old - he will not be able to take her from you. But it will be difficult, and a fight on your part to get her back if he did decide to keep her and not return her after unsupervised access. Isn't access for babies along the lines of "an hour, a few times a week, in the mother's presence'?

I am always one for saying trust your instincts.

Please speak to Women's Aid, because they will be able to give you advice on this. It actually makes me feel a bit sick thinking of handing my 3wk old baby to anyone unsupervised - even if it's the estranged father.

Wetwashing00 · 23/08/2018 22:35

I do kind of feel calling him a prick is uncalled for.
He hasn’t actually done anything wrong, despite his controlling ways he may just naively assume he can handle a 3 week old baby because she is his.
I assume he is a first time parent too since the op hasnt mentioned any other children.
It is only her feeling that he won’t return her. When he actually threatens to not return or carry out a threat then he is a prick.

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