To ask for you to be honest with me?

[LyndorCake]

Okay, so MIL and FIL are truly lovely people. I genuinely love them and am grateful for all they do for us (they help us out loads).
They have always been generous with DS(2yo) which is great, however it's getting a bit much. They've bought him a few big present for no reason, things which I had been looking at for him. One of the things I had told them I was buying ready for summer, however half way through summer, they bought it for him as they thought we weren't buying it anymore (we had some financial issues, but I never said we weren't buying it anymore). Other things sometimes are things I've been looking at buying for his bday(Nov) or Christmas so now can't.
I know I'm being precious and at 2yo he doesn't really understand presents etc but I'm starting to get a bit upset/stressed as I'm running out of ideas! I just have this fear now that if I tell them we're getting him something, they'll go out and buy it too, or if I don't tell them, they'll think of it themselves and buy it without speaking with us.
Now I spoke to DH about this and he doesn't agree. He thinks it's amazing that they are buying him gifts out of the goodness of their hearts that they know will make him happy. And at the end of the day, DSs happiness comes first. I totally agree and feel selfish in some respects, but then I think, well he's our son, so surely they should run some stuff past us?
I don't know, I need a bit of a reality check I think. AIBU to feel this way? Is DH right? Should I just swallow my pride and be happy?

You’ll get varying responses

I’d be quite happy if someone adored my son so much!

It’s not gifts that matter it’s your time

Seriously? Wish I had problems like this.

I know, I'm definitely going to get flamed for this. Complete and utter first world problems.
Tiny drip feed here, but I do have anxiety which I've only just been able to accept so still trying to deal with this. I feel like I'm not good enough for my DS or that he prefers everyone else. I've posted about this before. I'm wondering if this is all linked.

I would be upset, too. It's so hard when you're wanting to buy a present for your child and someone else pushes in and buys it. They should be asking you what to buy or putting forward suggestions - or, best of all, putting a bit of money into a savings account.

It’s not awful that they buy him stuff you know!
He’s only 2 so don’t get so upset about them buying him stuff that you want to. He’ll forget. What he won’t forget is the love and cuddles he had from his mum. It’s not a competition

I think part of being a parent is giving the child these presents that in turn make you happy.

I love seeing their excitement when it's their birthday and not just random stuff throughout the year.

Can you not say 'that's great, could you keep it at your house for when he visits, because we've / are getting him one for his birthday'

Just to see how they react?

It used to annoy me too, so I understand, but ultimately he's too young to understand and gifts don't buy love

I fully understand how you feel.

On the one hand, it is fantastic that they want to have an active part in your DS' life and for him to be happy.

On the other hand, them buying things (unannounced) can be extremely frustrating. That's whether it's something you wanted to get or something you'd rather DS didn't have right now.

My DPs can be a little guilty of this - although not with any major purchases thankfully. I've found subtle reminders of "oh we're getting xxx" helps, but it'll depend on the individuals.

I understand OP as I have exactly the same problem with my DM. I love shopping for my son and feel really disappointed when she buys him some big ticket item I wanted to get him. It sounds really ungrateful, I do appreciate the gifts but I feel like I then have nothing left to give him. I also don’t want him expecting gifts all the time for no reason, and to be honest the sheer quantity of stuff is really overwhelming.

Now I tell her really far in advance what I want to get him or tell her I’ve already bought it. Then remind her multiple times. Doesn’t always work, a fucking trampoline showed up on the doorstep the other day, which takes up our entire garden.

The summer item is the best example though. So I've spoken about buying this since I fell pregnant as it was something I had and loved as a kid. PIL kept saying how much DH loved it when he was a kid too so they couldn't wait to see DS with one and they knew he would love it. I told everyone I was buying it for summer but then we had this financial issue and couldn't, so I was putting money aside for it each month ready to buy when I could afford it. It's better in summer but just as fun in winter (if that makes sense). After a month into the hot weather, they just assumed we weren't buying it anymore, came over one night with it, already open and partially assembled and DS saw it straight away and started trying to play with it so I couldn't exactly take it off him. I was gutted but ILs were so happy! As was DS. DH said it was great as now we didn't have to buy it and had saved some money. Very true. But my heart sank! DH asked me later on once they were gone if I was alright about it, and I couldn't exactly say no as there's nothing that could be done at that point.

They could have checked with you first, or offered to help contribute to the cost. What if you had already bought it? I would be disappointed too, they totally stole your thunder. They’ve had their turn having fun buying that stuff for their kids, it’s your turn now.

I can actually see your point. It's lovely for them to want to treat your dc but sometimes people can overstep which can feel like they're almost taking something from you, the parent, in that you may have looked forward to giving a particular thing, or enjoying your dcs reaction to something.

For me the big presents for no reason would warrant a conversation although to be fair they haven't gone ott yet. I suppose you're worried it's a sign of things to come!

Even at a young age I think children can start to expect things and take them for granted so I'm inclined to keep the big ticket items for a birthday, Christmas or perhaps (for a child a bit older) to mark something they have achieved. Others might not have any objection but for people who feel strongly about it then it's a "how we wish to parent" thing that others don't get to overrule.

I think it's lovely and very generous of them. Your son won't be sad that it was from them not you. Put the money you would have spent in to a savings account for him instead. He will appreciate that a lot more when he is older!

I know ILs have the best intentions. My DH grew up quite poor so never got presents really. Now ILs have money, they take so much joy in buying stuff for DS. I can mention in passing that he likes something and they'll buy it.

You sound like a control freak. Thank them nicely and teach your child to do the same.

You could even make suggestions to them for what they could buy, so that you don't duplicate presents.

Oh I hadn't seen your update! Ok so it is that sense of having something taken from you, I can see why that was upsetting.

I think though when DH asked afterwards whether you were ok about it was your chance to at least tell him you weren't. He'd obviously worked out that it had the potential to upset you and at least he could have a quiet word so the GPS were a little more conscious of not doing that again in the future.

It’s lovely of them to care so much and I don’t think they’re necessarily BU but I don’t think you are either, I can see both sides. They just think they’re helping, you feel like they’re taking away your opportunities to do something nice for DS.

I would stop telling them what you are thinking of buying in future.

I can see both sides too. On the one hand you should be delighted D's has got what you wanted for him and someone else has paid!!! You can put that money away for his Christmas present! On the other hand, as a MIL, I ask my ddil what she wants me to buy - just in case my DC have already got it!

choli never has anyone described me as a control freak. I'm so far from it (usually). Perhaps it's the feeling of losing control that's making me want to be more in control?

Aah I can see both sides too. On one hand it's lovely that they want to buy him things and on the other hand you don't want him expecting presents all the time/not have any good things left to buy for Christmas...

I did gently ask MIL to stop buying DS a toy (small £5-10 toy but still) every time she saw him because I didn't want him expecting things rather than just being happy to see him and she was fine with it. She now brings a big bag of fruit instead - much better!

Or you could get them to have a 'thing' that's theirs...preferably something collectable like brio or sylvanians. DSs honorary auntie (single, from abroad with no family - so my parents 'adopted' her a bit) Has decided she's in charge of the brio and DS is building up a lovely collection.

See I can't get too delighted with yay someone else paid because often, as in the Ops example, it's not about the money it's the fact you've been planning and looking forward to choosing or gifting the item and someone else swoops in and claims that pleasure for themselves. I mean yes it can be generous but it can also be about (in this case) the grandparents wanting exactly what Op wanted, except she's the child's parent.

My mother used to do this with clothes and birthday parties, weirdly enough . I know it probably sounds ridiculous but it used to drive me nuts!

Just don’t worry about it. Really.

Your DH is right. It is amazing - they are saving you money. Enjoy for what it is. Kindness

Also, I'm struggling to know how I'll pay for the children's presents this year.

OP I would choose a present for Christmas for DS and then tell them that you are going to buy it for DS as his main present. Reiterate that this is from you and DH. The penny just might drop without you having to say something to them.

In future you could always say that room for all these gifts are an issue and could they just buy for birthdays and Christmas or maybe keep some stuff at their house.

I see where you're coming from and can understand especially if this is your first child and their first grandchild?

It likely won't last forever and will help you by saving you money on those items. I would also be absolutely made up somebody adored my child so much.

I wouldn't make a thing of it just be grateful of it while it lasts