To ask for you to be honest with me?

[LyndorCake]

Okay, so MIL and FIL are truly lovely people. I genuinely love them and am grateful for all they do for us (they help us out loads).
They have always been generous with DS(2yo) which is great, however it's getting a bit much. They've bought him a few big present for no reason, things which I had been looking at for him. One of the things I had told them I was buying ready for summer, however half way through summer, they bought it for him as they thought we weren't buying it anymore (we had some financial issues, but I never said we weren't buying it anymore). Other things sometimes are things I've been looking at buying for his bday(Nov) or Christmas so now can't.
I know I'm being precious and at 2yo he doesn't really understand presents etc but I'm starting to get a bit upset/stressed as I'm running out of ideas! I just have this fear now that if I tell them we're getting him something, they'll go out and buy it too, or if I don't tell them, they'll think of it themselves and buy it without speaking with us.
Now I spoke to DH about this and he doesn't agree. He thinks it's amazing that they are buying him gifts out of the goodness of their hearts that they know will make him happy. And at the end of the day, DSs happiness comes first. I totally agree and feel selfish in some respects, but then I think, well he's our son, so surely they should run some stuff past us?
I don't know, I need a bit of a reality check I think. AIBU to feel this way? Is DH right? Should I just swallow my pride and be happy?

I get it OP. Some 'firsts' /big items like a swing or bike you want to be from you. Don't tell them what you are doing looking at or buying. You 'haven't decided yet'. Instead say DS loves so & so, would you like to get him that for his birthday?

Stop telling them what you are going to buy your DS and only mention things that you ‘d like him to have that you aren’t going to buy.

It can be constructed as them being generous/ kind etc. as some PPs have done but it’s actually rather controlling to purposely go out and buy something that they knew you were intending to buy. I also don’t like big presents being bought for no reason so you could maybe suggest that DS has enough toys for now. But definitely stop telling them what you’re intending to buy him.

I completely know where you’re coming from; my mil doesn’t have a bad bone in her body but it does hurt when she buys something for DD that I’d always imagined buying her first.
DH has a very honest relationship with his mum and will ask her to return things when this happens. With some things I suggest that the item stays at her house and then I buy the thing I wanted for her to have at home.

An example of another side to this....perhaps?

One of my aged parents feels incredibly sad and has huge seemingly lifelong regrets that when we were little we just couldnt have or afford stuff. Different times then.

The aged parent is now gaining huge personal joy, in the autumn of her life, that she can treat her children and grandchildren in a way that she was never able to do earlier in her life.

The important thing for me is that she gains so much personal happiness from giving now, when she wasnt able to do so before.

X

Do you always tell them what you plan on buying? If so, don't.

Ds was about 4 months old for his 1st Christmas. Mil asked what we were getting him and I said some rubber ducks as he loved bath time. Next week mil rocks up with a bag of rubber ducks. I'm afraid I may have cried (pnd, ok!). Tbf she did take them home and I was able to give him what I planned. Now I just think about what the kids will think and I try to let it go.

I think I would be a bit annoyed at this. Mainly from the point that he is getting very spoiled if he is always inundated with expensive gifts. As lovely as it is to see a child's face when they get a nice gift, they can soon become very expectant. I'm a firm believer that big gifts should be for birthday and Christmas, and other gifts should be small, such as a book, a jigsaw puzzle or some crayons and a colouring book.
I would advise you to speak to them and tell them that you don't want your child being spoiled in the way they are doing.

I would be very very happy if either of my DCs grandparents showed that much love and interest in them.

I think it’s really important that relatives run present ideas past you before they buy for lots of reasons. I was really picky about what gifts my kids got, and what I wanted cluttering my small house. Not the odd soft toy or puzzle or whatever, but the big stuff.
Also wouldn’t be happy for them to nick my present ideas.

1. Stop talking to them bout what you want to buy
2. Tell them D's has had a lot of gifts and ask them to hold off for a while/ keep things at theirs
3. Give them ideas of gifts he will like that you don't plan to get him

Your child won't remember who it's from. You obviously had some financial issues and so somebody else happily paying for it means you don't have to.

If there are gifts in the future that you really feel strongly about buying yourselves then make it clear to them that you are buying x, could they refrain from doing so.

I had a lovely relationship with my grandparents and they sometimes bought things for us that my parents wouldn't have been able to afford. A good relationship with grandparents is a mutually beneficial and wonderful thing IMO. It sounds as though they did it out of love for their grandchild rather than to hurt you.

My PIL buy so many clothes for my DS that his entire wardrobe is sorted for the next couple of years. Sometimes I feel a bit taken aback that he doesn't have very many clothes that I've actually chosen. But they have really good taste and I love what they've bought and it's very kind of them. So I just shut up and let them get on with it i don't mind my kid being spoiled by his grandparents. God knows life is shit enough so they can have a little happiness while they're still young.

You get to see the joy your DS gets from the present that was your idea, without the expense. The grandparents get to help you and your DH out by buying the gift.

Honestly OP? I do think YABU. Enjoy their generosity and love. Your DS will not remember who bought what, but he will remember having fun with you while he played with it.

Personally I would be happy with the gifts and use the money that you would have spent to create memories. I do not really remember the gifts that I bought my children but I do remember the day trips.

Dione your first paragraph is spot on. I know I need to remember that. I think I'm just a but touchy about the money and the apparent disdain my DS has for me.

Thanks everyone. It's nice to see that I'm not totally bad shit crazy in feeling this way, but thank you for helping me give my head a wobble

Your DS is two. He doesn't have disdain for anyone.

"I do have anxiety"

It seems every one on MN 'has' this too so don't worry about that.

You're being massively precious and unreasonable.

You think your DS has disdain for you?

I can understand how your feeling OP. PIL love to shower our DS with gifts - it is sweet and done with the best of intentions, and they adore seeing his little face light up. I think the reason it niggles at me is PIL can occasionally be a little bit naughty, i.e. taking DS out to see their friends for the afternoon and missing his nap letting him get overtired before bring him back to us or filling him up with sweets when I've said I'd rather healthy snacks (nothing major, more grateful for their help tbh). However, it also makes me a little sad for my own parents who are wonderfully kind and generous also, and will always make sure DS has naps and not too many sweets etc and don't give him gifts every time they see him. I worry that all the gifts from PIL are making him favour them over my parents, when my parents make such an effort to always do as we ask. Like your DS, ours doesn't really understand the concept of gifts, but I'm not sure how I'll feel when he does. Last Christmas they bought him (and us) bags and bags of presents, to the point I felt the gifts we had given were inadequate and I actually felt a little embarrassed. I don't really have any advice, but just wanted to share my experience so you know you are not alone in feeling this way.

It would annoy me too. The fact you have said what you are buying and then they decided without even asking, that you aren’t buying it anymore and went ahead and got it is rude. What if you had a reason for not buying it and they’ve just shown up with it and presented it to your child again without asking. It does feel a bit controlling of them but he’s two, won’t remember and I’d brush it off for now. I would have told my partner though and I think next time you should say that you were planning on buying said gift and they can keep it for their own house or return it, you shouldn’t have to accept not buying something for your own child just because someone else decided to. If they mean well that’s fair enough but should be made aware of how you’re feeling. Their reaction will confirm if it’s to control or just to be loving grandparents.

Your son doesn’t have disdain for you though. You have anxiety like myself and I get it but it’s a ridiculous thought and you should ignore it. He’s two, he doesn’t think so critically.

Who has disdain for you?

My children are in their twenties and I'm trying to think what I'd do in that situation, assuming I'd have more spare money than them.

I think I'd notice what my children wanted to buy for their children and give them the money. Then I'm giving a gift to my children and they're giving a gift to their children. I'd probably buy something little to go with the new toys which would be from me, too.

lyndor

I am completely and utterly with you

It would drive me mad

I was in a shop with my dad the other day...and i picked up a stupid sale fairy wand all glitter and pick with somesort of twee motivational saying and i said...ooh this is exactly dd, shell love this.....and my dad virtually ripped it out of my hand saying I'll get it for her

And i was all SHES MY DAUGHTER I SAW IT FIRST

it was quite the family bonding moment

They love him. They're interested. Count your blessings. My PIL live 15 minutes away and have seen my DD once since Christmas at a family party. Kids enjoy stuff; they don't know or care who financed it. Just enjoy your DS and his happiness.

lyndor

He doesnt have disdain for you love