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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to go LC/NC with someone damaging who won't let go?

29 replies

onetimeposter · 23/08/2018 18:44

I have just been told by a flying monkey that she said I'm awful including loads of lies, which she always does after arguments, then suddenly everyone's expected to forget it once she's decided its fine again.
Its ex MIL. The kids' 'grandma'. Two weeks ago was told in front of them how I'm a shit mother, so i retaliated and said she was no better. She stormed out saying never to contact her again, I haven't though it made me sick for a while as she can be horribly nasty.
I feel so much better. I don't ever want contact again except we are linked by BIL and SIL who I have minimised contact with too.
I'm waiting for the next argument-it is brewing and I will get the vile nasty mouth again. I'm 40 and not having it, she was vile to my now deceased DM and I will never forgive her.
I know if I say I never want to see her again she will raise holy hell-think calling work and lying about you etc. So how can I make sure I don't have any more of her toxicity in mine or my kids lives?
Im getting a job soon so she will not see us in the week ever. She likes to call on a saturday. I am grey rock, she knows nothing if my thoughts or life.
Arguing will fuel her love of drama and I really don't want any more crap.
Any advice please?
Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
paintinmyhairAgain · 23/08/2018 18:48

ignore and block she's totally bat shit, life will be better for it and keep grey rocking.

Original poster
onetimeposter · 23/08/2018 19:06

Thanks, i will. Its taken years for it to not totally consume me. I think you need to rralise that people like her have no morals or conscience, so nothing makes them feel guilty and any behaviour of theirs is justified.

OP posts:
IncrediblySturdyPyjamas · 23/08/2018 19:15

Refuse to respond.

Just repeat 'thanks for the info'.

Don't answer the calls, and be 'busy' on a Saturday.

And don't let her know where you are working - ever.

Caselgarcia · 23/08/2018 19:20

She told you never to contact her again after her last outburst so you are just complying with her wishes.

Original poster
onetimeposter · 23/08/2018 19:57

The last job i got, she got her friend to apply to!
(Now her worst enemy because she dared to have another friend)
I'm indifferent and happier without contact but her sister moved next door but one. Bloody nightmare and I'm planning to pay off the mortgage as much as poss so I can move in a few years.
Do you think the less she knows the more she will look elsewhere for the drama? She falls out with everyone.

OP posts:
CraftyYankee · 23/08/2018 20:00

Why do you have any contact with her at all? If you are divorced from her son, shouldn't her contact with your kids be during his time with them?

paintinmyhairAgain · 23/08/2018 20:06

if her sister is a problem ignore her too, i will say good for you on standing your ground against her. she will probably tire of you in time.
so what if she bad mouths you, people who know her will take it with a pinch of salt and think ' a lucky escape from that family and that bloody woman she's bonkers !'

SynchroSwimmer · 23/08/2018 20:19

When you next have to speak to her, say something like...
“When you told me on xxx date never to speak to you again, I have been thinking about what you said and yes, I think you are probably right”...something like that.

Then make sure to create yourself a new enjoyable routine for Saturdays, make sure to be out and just not “visible” for the next 3 to 4 weeks - to create a new pattern...that you just aren't going to be around...

Love the Grey Rock thing!
(Been doing something similar for the past 4 months myself!)
X

CoughLaughFart · 23/08/2018 20:32

She told you never to contact her again after her last outburst so you are just complying with her wishes.

I did exactly this with a now ex-friend. It took him three days to regret telling me to never darken his door again, but nine months on I’m still taking him at his word and my life is so much less stressful.

Don’t bother going low contact. She’ll use any communication as a green light to worm her way back in. Pull off the plaster in one go.

Original poster
onetimeposter · 23/08/2018 20:56

Its complicated, shes the step mil, so his dm sees them when they go there. Obviously she doesnt get on with any of them so never sees them but 'loves' my kids and i will never stop her seeing them Confused
So she will contact at some point, prob a birthday. What do I say to her asking to see her 'grandchild'?
She knows no bounds re provacy. She has been through my drawers previously and since her dd got married last year she has slept there 5 nights a week Shock

OP posts:
paintinmyhairAgain · 23/08/2018 21:19

i really would have zero contact, she is nothing to you. can your dh take dc to see her ?

CSIblonde · 23/08/2018 21:43

Ignore & detach. Anything else just feeds the drama & manipulation. Either go out on Saturdays or don't answer the door/texts. If she wants to see the children your ex can organise that. With someone toxic you often have to draw a line & say enough: for your own sanity & well being.

Original poster
onetimeposter · 23/08/2018 22:20

Hi I think I will go out. She hammers on the door screaming otherwise.
Shes lied about having cancer previously
I dont open front blinds so her sister cant nosy in anyway. I think her son comes back from holiday with the real grandkids soon so that should mean she focuses elsewhere.
Went to a wedding and christening earlier this year. She spent both ignoring people, slagging others off and refusing to speak and having screaming rows the night before banning family she doesnt like from coming for fwar of her kicking off. Then she has 'won'. Its all about control. She has none over me and shes not controlling my kids either.

OP posts:
Livingoncake · 23/08/2018 22:45

Hang on... you will never stop her seeing your kids because she “loves” them, yet she’s clearly batshit?
If you think it’s important that she sees them (why? What does she add to their lives?), can’t that happen during your ex’s time with the kids?

Original poster
onetimeposter · 23/08/2018 23:24

No thats what she threatens me with...because she knows Im not bothered about her. Id be happy if she never saw them again although they do ask about her from time to time.
Ideally id move away but i cant so need to deal with things in another way.

OP posts:
Livingoncake · 24/08/2018 02:05

Ah, got it! Now it makes sense.
Obviously she has no rights to your kids at all. Call the police next time she shows up and starts screaming through your letterbox. Make sure the kids’ school is aware that she cannot, under any circumstances, take your children. Continue being NC and the kids will forget her in time.
Sorry you have to deal with her at all.

Original poster
onetimeposter · 30/08/2018 18:06

Update.
Nc has been going smoothly but she is now quite visible at her sister's (next door but one).
I have felt so free and now I feel claustrophobic and stuffy like I cannot breathe.
How do I get rid of this feeling (because whilt I HATE living here, I cannot afford to move. If I could it would be to miles away from them all.
Help!

OP posts:
Original poster
onetimeposter · 30/08/2018 18:08

Also, I have an interview for my new job on monday. If I get it it will mean Im busy all week. Plus the new saturday roitine means we will hardly be home.

OP posts:
Original poster
onetimeposter · 30/08/2018 18:12

I'm sat with the blinds closed Blush

OP posts:
ShrodingersSturdyPyjamas · 30/08/2018 18:13

You have zero reason to be in contact. You just need to forget she is there, never look at the house, be busy and if not busy - fake it!

Original poster
onetimeposter · 30/08/2018 18:51
Smile Thank you I feel so much better having no contact Re the surrounding family, i normally do birthday presents (for the status quo, but they buy mine). If i continue this (one next week) she will see it as a sign im bothered and create a huge scene and shit stir, anything for an argument. Would you just forget it?
OP posts:
user1471590586 · 30/08/2018 18:54

You haven't replied to the questions about your ex. Why can't he take the kids to see her?

Original poster
onetimeposter · 30/08/2018 18:57

Because he works away a lot, has v little time and when he is here he usually sees his own family and the kids.
They arent close and dont get on, her relationship was more with me than anything. Hence why i recieve the crap.

OP posts:
QueenArseClangers · 30/08/2018 18:58

Get a cctv camera for the door. Ring the police if she harasses you and keep a record of her behaviour.
Stay NC.

sunstarsmoon · 30/08/2018 19:00

This woman isn't family so I really don't understand why you are facilitating contact to children that aren't even her grand children. You say all these excuses about your ex being busy, tough it's his job if he wants his children to have a relationship with her!

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