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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how important sexual attraction is in a relationship

28 replies

ChangedName37 · 23/08/2018 18:25

In a relationship where I've come to a sad realisation that I'm not really sexually attracted to my partner anymore. However he ticks every other box in regards what I would want in a partner.
We could break up and I could meet someone I'm very sexually compatible with, but that person could be disloyal, lazy, a general prick.
I guess basically I'm trying to work out whether this is normal and I should count my blessings for all the wonderful things my partner is (even if sex is a chore), or whether I'm right in thinking that at 30yrs old I should give up a great guy for better sex.
Has anyone broken up with someone for similar reasons and gone on to regret it? Or on the other hand has anyone stayed with someone and put up with the fact that they will always view sex as another tick box to do like the bloody dishes or laundry?!

OP posts:

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 23/08/2018 18:38

Its not about what we think. The question here is does it work for you and your dp.
Personally it wouldn't work for me if I went off him sexually or if he went off me. If he didn't want sex but still wanted to stay together id make no secret of the fact that I'd be looking elsewhere for it. Why should my sex life suffer because he didn't fancy me anymore. I'd hand on heart expect him to be of the same mind.
However some people are perfectly happy to never have sex again. Some say it's over .rated.

c3pu · 23/08/2018 18:46

It's important to me. There are millions, probably billions of people who don't want to have sex with me. I really couldn't be in a relationship with one of them.

Changedmynametoolikeyou · 23/08/2018 18:47

Yes I love my dh to pieces but sex has never been high on our agenda. Throw in years of infertility, depression, medication, weight gain and other hurdles and sex has definitely become an afterthought. But it doesn’t cause us any major upset. We wouldn’t be without each other. But as someone else said, it’s your own arrangement that matters, and how it suits the pair of you. I’ve a feeling that my type of relationship is not common.

Mari50 · 23/08/2018 18:47

At 30 I’d definitely give up a great guy for better sex.
At 40 maybe not so much.
That said I did just that and the better sex guy brought all kinds of heartache and I spent most of my 30’s wishing I hadn’t. Now I’m a lot older I realise that me and my lovely ex would never have lasted the distance anyway so I’ve forgiven myself ....

Changedmynametoolikeyou · 23/08/2018 18:48

Ps we’ve been together over 20 years with No regrets.

Prettyugly · 23/08/2018 18:49

Were you ever sexually attracted to him?

Lazypuppy · 23/08/2018 18:49

I have a very low sex drice so wouldn't bother me. In fact me and partner probably only average once a month as it is

HollowTalk · 23/08/2018 18:50

Do you have children? If not, I would definitely cut your losses now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/08/2018 18:50

The problem is that you are doing one of the following:

Lying to your partner so he believes you enjoy it.
Not lying, he knows you don't, and does it anyway.
Not having sex and he's unhappy about it.
Not having sex and he's fine.

Is the only one I can see as sustainable. Lying to your partner about something fundamental is terrible. Him still having sex you don't want us very very bad. Him unhappily celibate is bad.

Sorry.

AspieHere · 23/08/2018 18:51

Watching with interest as I find myself in a similar position. I've even been honest and told DP I don't want sex with him and he can find it elsewhere but he isnt interested and only wants it with me. I can't physically have sex with someone that I'm not attracted to though.

Original poster

ChangedName37 · 23/08/2018 18:59

If I'm totally honest, I don't think I was ever massively sexually attracted to him, but I fell for him because he is a wonderful soul instead. When we do have sex it's fine, but I would never initiate and I miss really fancying someone. He also deserves someone to desire him in that way.
We have a 1yo child so that definitely is part of what makes it so much harder - we make an amazing team, especially for her and the thought of that being ripped apart is heartbreaking.

OP posts:

Changedmynametoolikeyou · 23/08/2018 19:21

Have you had an honest conversation about it? It’s worth it and might clarify the situation for both of you.

OutPinked · 23/08/2018 19:23

Depends how important that attraction is to you. Everyone has different priorities, sex isn’t high on everyone’s.

It is important to me though and it is one of the reasons I left my exH.

maxthemartian · 23/08/2018 19:27

Are you in love with him?

Laiste · 23/08/2018 19:27

Oh i thought you were going to say you hadn't got kids OP.

If you stay you may well find that a few years down the line when the pair of you have changed (we change a fair bit through our 30s i think) that the soul mate bit will wear thin and you'll still be beating yourself up and wondering what if. It's a dangerous state to live in.

I can't advise you. It happened to me and it took 15 years for the inevitable to happen. I'm left with guilt left right and center. Sorry i can't be more positive.

Maybe think about what you saw your DP writing this about you. I mean that kindly.

Laiste · 23/08/2018 19:28

Maybe think about what you would want to happen if you saw your DP writing this about you. I meant!

LadyRochfordsHoickedGusset · 23/08/2018 19:34

Very important to me but everyone's different. Different drives etc.

Nuggetsandwich · 23/08/2018 19:37

Was going to suggest it could be a temporary feeling due to having given birth a year ago; giving birth can lead to massive changes in us physically, sexually and emotionally. As I'm sure you know. But if you've never had a string attraction it might be more difficult to get past this. What about sex therapy? Is that something you'd consider?

Nuggetsandwich · 23/08/2018 19:37

*strong

TomHardysNextWife · 23/08/2018 19:39

I found that once we'd had children and had a young family, my sex drive shrivelled up and left the building. That was a massive issue for DH - he felt rejected, I felt pressured and we ended up splitting for 6 months (other issues too, not just that) and in those months apart, we realised what an insignificant part of our relationship it really was. Once that pressure had gone, things changed massively for both of us and we were then able to converse kindly to each other to pay more interest or back off, whichever it happened to be at the time. And now with adult children, we've almost gone full circle and sex is once again carefree and nothing to stress about. So I don't necessarily think it's about attraction per se, but more of a lifestage thing if that makes sense.

Original poster

ChangedName37 · 23/08/2018 19:39

maxthemartian

It's hard to say, I know I still love him and the thought of losing him does really hurt. But I used to be quite a sexual person and I miss that side of myself alot. Can you be in love with someone and not want to be intimate with them? I feel like I am in love with him but how can I be if that's how I feel?

OP posts:

GraceMarks · 23/08/2018 19:43

What does he think?

I was in this situation years ago when I was still at university. My boyfriend was part of my circle of friends and I think I liked the idea of being with him because he was such a nice guy, so ideal in practically every way. But I never really fancied him and I broke up with him in the end because I was cringing whenever he touched me and it wasn't fair on him.

So to me, it is very important. I think the only circumstances under which it wouldn't be would be if you were both asexual and you were both happy to have a relationship that didn't involve sex. But it sounds like you're not happy with that?

tommypie · 23/08/2018 19:47

I'm in a similar situation to you OP. Similar age, also have a one year old, and no longer really fancy my DH. We've had sex once in the past year. I do love him but I don't feel in love with him anymore. I used to be a very sexual person, whereas his drive was much lower, which led to difficulties for us in the past (sex never happening unless I initiated, me feeling rejected and so on) but since having our DC my own drive took a hit for a while. Now it's back but my attraction to him isn't. It saddens me to think I can't have a fulfilling sex life if I stay with him, but I can't bear the thought of breaking up our family as attraction/sex aside, we get on well and have been together a long time.

Lynne1Cat · 23/08/2018 19:50

Changedmynametoolikeyou....My marriage is exactly the same.

I've been with my husband since I was 18, he a year older. Married 38 years, sons in their 30s.

I've gained a lot of weight, yo-yo dieted, so lost/gained/lost/gained. Had an affair at 40 (very sexual), husband forgave me, neither of us mentioned it since (sons never knew). Been in and out of jobs (both of us), had debts, paid them off, illnesses, etc. We get on like best friends - he calls me his best friend. Not had sex for months (menopause, all that goes with it), but he doesn't seem to mind.

ChangedName37...can't you talk about it with him?

AngelsAckiz · 23/08/2018 19:52

100% important to me. If you're not having any kind of sexual relationship, then you're just friends? For me as a sexual person, I couldn't have a relationship with say, an asexual man or a man who went off sex.

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