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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not tell DD about her brother

58 replies

Musereader · 23/08/2018 13:21

DD is 2 in a few days so im not imagining this situation wil happen soon but i want to be prepared.

I left dd’s abusive father when she was 4 weeks old and he had not seen her since just before her first birthday - i got a call from social services about 2 weeks ago asking if he saw her at all and that he was under investigation. From the conversation and posts on his facebook dd’s father has had another child earlier this year who was taken off him and his partner 3 days after he was born and has been in foster care with contact since. There will be a final hearing in a few months and he may be put up for adoption.

My sister thinks i should let dd know at an age approriate time but before teen years as if she finds out she may be angry and feeling lied to. My mum says to not let her know at all as she is a chilld and it would be cruel as she cannot do any thing. I dont want dd coming home as a teenage with a boyfriend who turns out to be her brother.

Father is unlikely to ever be involved in her life as he has not shown any interest.

I think i want to tell her but how? When? Does anybody have any similar experiance or advice?

OP posts:

FASH84 · 23/08/2018 13:25

I'd wait to see what the outcome is, if the baby is adopted, maybe wait until early teens and explain that you are aware her dad had another child but it wasn't safe for him to live there so he was adopted. She should know something, just in case she ever comes across her half brother, or someone else tells her. It's better it comes from you. She may ask about her dad earlier than that and you just have to be honest that he has problems and isn't allowed to be around children.

Whaaaatthe · 23/08/2018 13:25

My only advice would be to talk about it before she’s of an age to register it as anything other than a simple fact of life.

Children who grow up knowing about things like this as if it’s no big deal simply accept it as normality and have few issues.

Children who get told things later (that due to the delay and secrecy now seem a much bigger deal) often do struggle with the sense of betrayal and deceit.

Chillyegg · 23/08/2018 13:26

Tell your dd young enough so it becomes s life fact rather than a bombshell. My mum told me about my brother when I was young enough to know about it but knew I’d never met him as his mums finish and he lives in Amsterdam now ( my dads dead) and he was a happy accident of my dads . My daughter has a brother made by her father as a product of an affair she knows about him and he’s her brother. Sea sees him regularly . Me and her dad aren’t together and never will be again because he’s a shit. But I don’t see why children should miss out on a relationship because of parents angst. So do tell your dd asap. Or she’ll be more mad that you lied and didn’t tell her

nonevernotever · 23/08/2018 13:27

I would handle it in the same way as sex education tbh - small references when your DD initiates discussion about families etc that get a little more detailed each time as she gets older. That way it's always something she's known about without having to handle either a big reveal or inappropriate detail. I think the danger with the telling them when they're older approach is that when you do tell them they may then start questioning everything else in case you have other secrets.

Hoosey · 23/08/2018 13:28

Yes I was in a similar situation as a child but I always knew about my brother. He was only three months younger than me. He was adopted within the community I grew up in so I always knew who he was. We know one another to say hello but we don’t treat one another as siblings and we have never really had the desire to. We share some DNA from the same hopeless father but that is it. I definitely am glad I knew though, it’s not something I recall being told I just always knew- so it must have been introduced young. I did have periods as I child when I daydreamed about having some great brother out there but it passes.

nonevernotever · 23/08/2018 13:28

sorry posted too soon ..and then struggling to trust whether you've told the truth to them about other big issues.

WeeBeasties · 23/08/2018 13:33

I have been in your DD's position. I was told from quite young that my dad had another baby with another woman but we don't know where he is. Once i was old enough to understand genetics i realised this was a half brother to me, but his existence wasn't a shock.

I think it was right that i knew he existed. It was always just a fact. We met once he turned 18 and now have a good relationship.

If you don't tell your DD, it's highly likely she will find out one day some way or another then you're the bad guy for keeping it a secret.

BlueBug45 · 23/08/2018 13:37

As PPs said just mention to her but do it before she becomes a teen so it is a fact of life and not a big deal. For example if she ever asks about having another sibling or you have another child then just mention that she does already have a brother from her dad but you don't know where he is.

I know people who were never told they had a sibling and found out in adulthood between 30-55. They were very upset especially the one who was 55. He found his brother, discovered they got on and while they were getting to know each other better his brother was found to have terminal cancer and died.

girlwithadragontattoo · 23/08/2018 13:40

Op i was in a similar situation as a child. My mum left my abusive father who went on to have 2 more children and abused there mother. My mum knew about the children but never bothered to keep tabs as such. I found out i think at something like 15 and i always wanted to know about them. Were they boys or girls, what school did they go to? Where they local (i come from a very small town where everyone knows everyone), did i know them without knowing them etc... I finally met them at 21, they'd missed all of my mile stone birthdays and it was hard to form a bond. I'm now 32 and we don't even speak. I resented my mother for this for years. All i ever wanted was to know about them and get to know them better, but she didn't want that and apparently never knew anything, which i don't believe.
Speaking from personal experience I'd find out more information and at least let her know, maybe when she's 10 and still young enough to play and form a bond etc...I wish i'd had that chance

Excited0803 · 23/08/2018 13:42

You did a good job getting away, and did the right thing for your daughter, well done. Poor little boy though, just a vulnerable baby, I hope he goes to a nice family soon. I also agree with the others about letting DD know while she's young so that she can grow up with the idea. I might be naive and that isn't possible, but I'd also consider giving social services a letter for the brother's adoptive family if he gets one, letting them know about his sister and how to get in touch with you in the future if they want to build a relationship with her, or if he does when he's older. If the adoptive family agree then the children could meet a few times and if you all got along could even be brought up to be friends / like cousins, which would make it even easier when they find out later. It might not be possible, just thinking it could be nice for both of them if it worked out.

sunshineNdaisies · 23/08/2018 13:49

are you in a position to adopt the half sibling so that the children could grow up together?

TroubledLichen · 23/08/2018 13:49

I don’t want to post the whole story as it’s quite identifying for the people involved but I know someone that narrowly avoided an incest situation with his half sister, after meeting completely by chance as young adults, only because they knew about each other’s existence and were able to put the pieces together before things escalated. So I would tell you DD the truth.

ifonly4 · 23/08/2018 13:50

I don't know what SS do in this situation, but I'd be tempted to contact them and discuss the situation.

helforddreams · 23/08/2018 13:55

I have four adopted children, who also have other siblings who were removed from their birth parents and adopted elsewhere. There were also half siblings who we discovered through birth records but were not formally told of. Some of the half siblings fell through the net of SS and had very traumatic childhoods, unlike the ones lucky enough to be adopted.

We told our children of their other brothers and sisters at the time we felt it was right for them. In my daughter's case this was at about the age of 6/7, older with her brothers that had special needs. Therefore they have grown up with the knowledge of other siblings. When my daughter reached adulthood, and the other siblings/half siblings were adults too, they searched for each other (found on facebook actually as SS were pretty useless) and got in contact with each other. Although my four children have no wish to meet their birth parents (nor do their siblings) but they have managed to develop a lovely relationship with their siblings, perhaps more like cousins than brothers and sisters, but it has all gone really, really well. All adopted parents get on well too. I think this is because they all knew of each other, although knew no details other than their existance, and everyone was honest with each other.

It's all been a very positive experience, though the focus has alway been on developing future relationships than going over the traumas of their past. And, as I say, no one wishes to meet the birth parents.

This is how it worked for us, anyway.

helforddreams · 23/08/2018 14:00

I should also add SS did not tell us, or the other adoptive parents, about each other other than it had been requested there was not to be any contact (this was not true). Had we all had the opportunity we would have wished for contact between the families when the children were younger, but this was not to be. We discovered the other children through birth records on Ancestry. SS were also usless and unhelpful once the children had reached 18, so we did all the searching and introductions ourselves (maybe all for the best as it turned out).

Brakebackcyclebot · 23/08/2018 14:03

I agree 100% with the other posters who are advising telling your DD, and not waiting until she's older.

lucy101101 · 23/08/2018 14:04

My husband was 'surprised' with an adopted half-sister when he was in his late 20's... and frankly it was a terrible decision not to tell him earlier as he then felt that he couldn't trust his parents and it made him question his entire childhood. I still think he is expecting more secrets to come out 20 years later. It would have been so much better for them to be truthful with my DH and BIL but MIL and FIL were very worried what people thought of them hence the secrecy. Please work out how to tell your DD in an age appropriate way.

UpstartCrow · 23/08/2018 14:06

My ex was in your DD's position, don't keep it a secret. Just be matter of fact about it.

Enidblyton1 · 23/08/2018 14:06

Do you ever mention Daddy? Next time you say his name, I would mention the baby brother too - then it will just be a normal thing you DD grows up with and she won’t remember a time that there wasn’t a mysterious Daddy and baby brother who she never sees.
When she gets a bit older she may then ask questions about her father and brother - or she may not. But at least neither will come as a surprise.

I have no idea of this is the best approach, but this is what I would do.

Beamur · 23/08/2018 14:19

Agree with all the posters saying tell her the truth in an age appropriate way. Kinder all round.
I am the older half sibling whose existence was denied, I have the beginnings of a relationship now with my sister and knew my Dad capable of appalling things but the lies around this shocked me. My sister is in her teens and I'm not sure how much thought she's given yet to the trustworthiness of her parents. I've always known about her.

robinsinthespring · 23/08/2018 14:23

My mother abandoned me when I was 4 and she went on to have another child. I knew about him and when I was eventually "invited" into their lives at the age of 15 I had to keep up the pretence that I was someone our mother used to babysit for, as that was what she had told him when he found a photo of me at our grandmothers. Fucked up both of us. Tell your DD she has a brother.

Flooffloof · 23/08/2018 14:24

I found out about a half sibling well into my 20s. Was a heck of a shock. Only found because of rummaging through papers, not even told.
Not a great way to find out.
We are not close, haven't spoken for years now. Nothing in common.

TwoBlueFish · 23/08/2018 14:25

Absolutely let her know. My friend Only found out she had a half sister in her mid 20’s. She was devestated and felt completely lied to.

OrchidInTheSun · 23/08/2018 14:28

Tell her. You will find as she gets older she will ask about her father so as part of your conversation about that, you can tell her about her half brother. S other posters say, it will just be something she has always known rather than a big reveal. Your aim should be for the least Jeremy Kyle outcome possible.

Asuna · 23/08/2018 14:30

My nephew has a complicated family life. He is 7 and lives with his grandparents as he was removed from his mother’s custody as a baby. His birth mother is still in his life, but is kind of like an aunt or family friend.

This might seem irrelevant to your situation, but the relevant bit is that this past year he’s started asking more questions about why. He’s never been lied to and has always been told little bits of what he needed to know at the time, but at the age of 7-8 he’s asking more questions. Your daughter will probably ask about her origins and the father she never sees at some point, and there will hopefully be a natural time to say that you believe he had a son who was taken into care. If she’s anything like my nephew, she’ll ask the questions, get the answers, then move on. If you leave it till she’s in her teens, or she finds out by accident, it may not be so straightforward.

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