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Original poster

To not tell DD about her brother

58 replies

Musereader · 23/08/2018 13:21

DD is 2 in a few days so im not imagining this situation wil happen soon but i want to be prepared.

I left dd’s abusive father when she was 4 weeks old and he had not seen her since just before her first birthday - i got a call from social services about 2 weeks ago asking if he saw her at all and that he was under investigation. From the conversation and posts on his facebook dd’s father has had another child earlier this year who was taken off him and his partner 3 days after he was born and has been in foster care with contact since. There will be a final hearing in a few months and he may be put up for adoption.

My sister thinks i should let dd know at an age approriate time but before teen years as if she finds out she may be angry and feeling lied to. My mum says to not let her know at all as she is a chilld and it would be cruel as she cannot do any thing. I dont want dd coming home as a teenage with a boyfriend who turns out to be her brother.

Father is unlikely to ever be involved in her life as he has not shown any interest.

I think i want to tell her but how? When? Does anybody have any similar experiance or advice?

OP posts:
DancingDot · 23/08/2018 14:30

I would absolutely agree with those who say tell your child the truth...always...about everything. Always in an age appropriate way but you can start talking about these issues as soon as your daughter can understand concepts like Dad and Brother. It may sound daunting, but children accept their situation at face value with less societal judgement than adults. Also your child will trust you implicitly- so important anyway but especially so as you her only parent. If you omit to tell her the truth or equivocate she WILL find out eventually and your relationship with her will never be the same.

Dowdydoes · 23/08/2018 14:36

You tell I. Little age appropriate drips so she never finds out because she just knows. Anything else is just wrong and it’s not often that’s true but for this it is. Later on legally the half sibling could get a social worker to approach your daughter to see if she wanted contact. You can’t hide this and the later you leave it the harder for everyone it becomes

Coyoacan · 23/08/2018 14:42

My dgd has an older half-brother who we don't know how to contract but we have always told him of his existence, why wouldn't you?

PinkHeart5914 · 23/08/2018 14:44

Yes of course you tell her, It’s part of her family story.

She has a brother out there somewhere and the poor little mite will more than likely end up adopted, your dd May completely understandbly wish to try and find him one day

Surely you’d want to know if you had a sibling? I know I would

TeenTimesTwo · 23/08/2018 15:04

Agree with everyone else. Truth earlier rather than later so she grows up 'knowing' and the understanding and implications will then come gradually. It is what we are advised as adopters.

Mix56 · 23/08/2018 15:06

haven't read all the replies,
I know 2 women who both discovered they had 2 sisters from their father's various spouses.... they were really unhappy to discover too late they have half siblings, who they never got to know in depth.
Both have tried.

StringandGlitter · 23/08/2018 15:09

Yes you need to tell her. Tell her early so she “ always known” rather than it being a big shock. Maybe wait until you know the outcome.

My dd is adopted and she has a life story book. It starts all about her, then goes into family background and difficult messages, then comes back to her and then onto the future. It’s done in felt tip and sparkles and glitter and has lots of photos in and it’s all done in child friendly language. Where we don’t have photos she’s done drawings of what she remembers or imagines.

There’s no reason why you couldnt make a similar book for your dd to help her understand. This site is helpful thejoyoflifework.com

OctaviaOctober · 23/08/2018 15:11

In a position to adopt him?! I don't think unrelated adults can just pop up and say "we'll have him".

StrippingLLamaWhisperer · 23/08/2018 15:17

As someone who's been on the receiving end of this, finding out that the man I thought of as my dad was not, and thus gaining a 'new' dad and half sister at the age of 10 - please tell her soon. I would much rather have known earlier, because I feel betrayed now. I understand the reasons, people trying to shield me etc etc, but all I can think about is how I was lied to so comprehensively by everyone around me, all the people I cared about and were supposed to care for me :(

Godowneasy · 23/08/2018 15:41

I can't think of one reason why you would not tell your DD or why you think it may be better that she doesn't know.

What are your reservations about telling her?

Menolly · 23/08/2018 15:46

I have a brother who I didn't meet til I was 16, his mum stopped contact (and she was right to, I've gone NC with my parents too).

I was never bothered by it as a child as I had known about DBro since I can remember, I found him when I was 16, he is a brilliant brother and I adore him. He knew about me because my mum was pregnant when his mum stopped contact but no one had told him about the younger siblings and it really hurt him.

Rebecca36 · 23/08/2018 15:53

Your daughter needs to know about and preferably see, half brother. Poor little lad.

Lifedonttalktomeaboutlife · 23/08/2018 16:12

Tell her. I have just found out I have an older half sibling and I am in my thirties. My relationship with my parent has taken a massive hit. If she hadn't been a wonderful one in everything else I think I would've gone NC.

MarklesMerkin · 23/08/2018 16:48

Tell her.

I have an older half brother I wasn't aware of until I was about 12yrs old. I was only told because my dad got back with his mother. We never got the chance to form a proper bond and so even though our children are in the same class together and we live about 5 minutes away from each other we're not close.

My younger half sister I was told about and remember her being born and her mum being pregnant. I was able to form a bond but then her mum and our dad broke up and we lost touch for a few years but got back into contact about 8 - 10 yrs later. Our relationship has been strained at times but we're now closer than ever and I think that early chance to create a bond has helped our relationship.

MiroUnicorn · 23/08/2018 17:14

I agree with PP. Do mention it to her,preferably ' before she becomes a teen so it is a fact of life and not a big deal'. My DS's husband had an affair which resulted in a daugher. The daughter and my DNephew (DS's son) are 4 months apart in age. My sis (after getting over the betrayal etc) has just got on with the situation. From the beginning they (DNephew and his sister) have always known about their other sister, and she comes over regularly and they go down to visit, they holiday together as a family etc...she really is part of the family (despite her living away). My DNephew and his half-sister are now teenagers and have a great relationship...I think in part because it's all they've known from a young age.

randomchap · 23/08/2018 17:15

Tell her when you feel she's mature enough to understand and accept. It'll come out at some point in the future and she should learn from you. She will resent the lies if you keep it from her.

FrancesHaHa · 23/08/2018 17:26

I would tell her. There's a good chance he will be told about her, either in his life story book or through his records when he is older. Social workers are likely to think it is important he is aware of all family history. With this in mind he might easily come looking for her when he is older.

She will ask questions about her dad, so I'd tell her as part of telling her about her dad - in an age appropriate way.

mothersanonymous · 23/08/2018 17:30

As PP have said, you will presumably be telling her something about her dad so can mention the brother at the same time.

Mrbatmun · 23/08/2018 17:35

I don't have much idea on how to tell her, but I am always of the view that it is best to be open with children about these sorts of things. And as young as possible so it just becomes one of those things they grow up knowing, rather than something that needs to be 'revealed'. Poor little boy.

Deshasafraisy · 23/08/2018 17:36

Honesty is always the best policy

MissusGeneHunt · 23/08/2018 17:41

I was told about my older half brother when I was in my early twenties, not by either my mum or estranged father. That was horrible. I still haven't found him, I've been looking for over 20 years.

I would tentatively suggest telling your daughter at a relatively early age, as surprises like that can be devastating.

Good luck OP, its a really difficult situation Flowers

elesbells · 23/08/2018 17:48

I would drop him into conversations from a very early age. I have a brother who was put up for adoption long before I was born (we found him about 10 years ago) I always knew about him...it was just natural to me that he was around. You have less chance of the anger or feeling lied to if she always knows he’s out there.

MsHopey · 23/08/2018 18:00

I agree with PPs who say just let her know sooner rather than later. Its an open topic to discuss. If there's some big reveal even in early teens it'll be a bit earth shattering, rather than it just being a fact she's always known.
DH has a cousin who's father died before he was born. He's always been told about his Dad, and where he is. The Mom got a new partner a few years later but there's never been any confusion or any drama because he's always been told the truth.

mamalovebird · 23/08/2018 18:06

Tell her. I wasn't told about my Dad's 3 children from a previous marriage. I met them on the day of his funeral, aged 21. It royally messed me up. To have been lied to my entire life. Made me question everything. It has taken me a long time to come to terms with it. I don't see my half-siblings.

My DH is adopted - he has always known his history.

Original poster
Musereader · 23/08/2018 18:49

Thanks for all the stories and advice i will let her know as soon as she is able to understand, which may be a while away yet. It was really just a disagreement with my mum who thought there was no point in telling dd but as you have all pointed out it would be more harmful coming out later.

I do have a contact number for the sw who is on the little boys case so i can ask about giving the adoptive parents a letter.

I do not have any desire to adopt him myself, im a single parent with a less than average wage so don’t think i would be a good candidate anyway. He should go to someone who wants him.

OP posts:
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