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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In-law’s comment

42 replies

EWAB · 23/08/2018 12:07

I have a very close family member X who does not work as their partner Y is stratospherically wealthy.
At the weekend another close family member A had a little gathering. A is married to an academic B who I really really like.
A and B’s child came up to B with a big note that X had given for their birthday which they had missed as they had been away.
B said to their child “ X must have got that off Y as they don’t work.” B then turned round to a very shocked me and said something along the lines of “What kind of message does that give to children, not working?”
What would you think about what B (who I really like)?
I have no intention of saying anything but I am conflicted about messages to children etc.

OP posts:
firawla · 23/08/2018 12:09

B is a judgemental twat - have they not heard of stay at home parents, it’s hardly an unusual thing

Shoxfordian · 23/08/2018 12:10

B needs to mind their own business and not make such judgemental comments

ShamelesslyPlacemarking · 23/08/2018 12:10

I would think if B is so smart that they should understand that blood is thicker than water.

FASH84 · 23/08/2018 12:13

I get the patent Be may have felt uncomfortable at the amount of money, if their financial situation is different, and it is important for children to know the value of money and the importance of work (it's not just for money) , however it's also important for children to know it's not nice to be judgemental about other people. He could've made sure the child knew it was a gift from x and y , eg 'isn't that a very generous gift, make sure you've said thank you to x and y' . It also depends on age, if a teen the child will know the situation and that not everyone is so financially fortunate, if younger, important to discuss what to do with the money and recognise it's not a small amount and people work hard for that amount (irrelevant of it was x or y)

Namelessinseattle · 23/08/2018 12:13

In my experience if B’s child was waiting for a birthday present off Y they’d have been waiting a long time I thought X’s involvement.

user1493413286 · 23/08/2018 12:13

I would wonder if B is a little bit jealous; maybe they couldn’t spend very much money on their DS birthday and was embarrassed someone else could.

Namelessinseattle · 23/08/2018 12:14

*without x’s involvment

HolyMountain · 23/08/2018 12:14

Well B's being a twat judging a person's choice not to work and be independent of their partner, if X and Y are happy it's sod all to do with him.

He can advise his own children about his opinion on working and being self sufficient of course.

OliveMin · 23/08/2018 12:16

Curious - is B male or female?

Anythingforacatslife · 23/08/2018 12:21

I agree with B but I probably wouldn’t have voiced it in quite the same way. I don’t think saying to a child that both halves of a partnership should be working is a bad thing. Whether that is paid work or contributing to the household in some other way should also be discussed openly. My dc know that I earn less and work less than DH but that I do this because I spend more time at home doing ‘other stuff’ including childcare.

Original poster
EWAB · 23/08/2018 13:26

Both X and B are female. B is very well off but not stratospherically so like Y.
I would also say that B is unfased by Y unlike others in the family.

OP posts:
Whaaaatthe · 23/08/2018 13:29

B is an arse.
Raising children to judge others on their life choices.

missyB1 · 23/08/2018 13:33

B needs to hope that other family members aren't sitting round criticizing her parenting choices.

Pengggwn · 23/08/2018 13:36

I honestly don't know why the idea that working is virtuous is so entrenched. We're not (well, most of us) members of a certain turn of the seventeenth century Protestant sect. If work isn't necessary, why would anyone want to do it unless they particularly enjoyed it?

FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast · 23/08/2018 13:39

Frankly, if B is an academic, they will also be a bit of a stranger to the world of work as well won't they? Grin my dad was an academic and whenever I called into his office to see him, he was sharpening a pencil.

Bluelady · 23/08/2018 13:43

B needs to shut the fuck up. Like you, Pen, I have no idea why paid work is seen as the holy grail, especially if it's not necessary.

Thingsthatgo · 23/08/2018 13:44

If X And Y are both happy with the situation then it’s not up to other people to judge. B is teaching their child to be judgemental, that other people’s choices are wrong.

OliveMin · 23/08/2018 13:45

@FourFriedChickensDryWhiteToast Grin

B is being very judgmental and I don't agree with that attitude at all. Some parents that work full time and take on the full mental load at home too, don't make particularly good parents either. And I bet X being at home has enabled her partner to become wealthy; and if it hasn't, that's her choice.

Racecardriver · 23/08/2018 13:48

B is judgemental (and possibly quite jealous). What do I think of Y? Good for her, its great that she has the freedom to choose whether to work or not, I wish I could.

Dollymixture22 · 23/08/2018 13:49

This comment was clearly triggered by jealousy.

Poor kid - he/she should be taught to say thank you for a gift, rather than judge the life choices of the gift giver!

WizardOfToss · 23/08/2018 14:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Notonthestairs · 23/08/2018 14:04

B is clearly a lot more fazed by Y than you think.

diddl · 23/08/2018 14:05

What kind of message does being (jealous) a judgemental twat give to kids?

Different people make different choices!

Myotherusernameisbest · 23/08/2018 14:07

B sounds jealous of X's situation and very judgemental. If X doesnt need to work and is happy with that, why on earth would they?

Different if they were being supported by the state and handing out £100 bills or something

KickAssAngel · 23/08/2018 14:18

So B would like Y to take up a paid position of work, thereby preventing someone else from doing it, even though they don't need the money?

I'm really keen on a work ethic. I think it's really important for people to contribute/work etc, but I wouldn't expect Y yo work - totally Y's personal choice.