In-law’s comment

[EWAB]

I have a very close family member X who does not work as their partner Y is stratospherically wealthy.
At the weekend another close family member A had a little gathering. A is married to an academic B who I really really like.
A and B’s child came up to B with a big note that X had given for their birthday which they had missed as they had been away.
B said to their child “ X must have got that off Y as they don’t work.” B then turned round to a very shocked me and said something along the lines of “What kind of message does that give to children, not working?”
What would you think about what B (who I really like)?
I have no intention of saying anything but I am conflicted about messages to children etc.

fourfried I know you were joking, but to be honest I am a bit sick of these stories about academics not working hard, this may have been the case for your dad, I don't know, but academia today is a very competitive, very hard field, where people work very long hours often with insecure employment

look up mental health outcomes for academics (there was even a suicide sometime ago, I think at Imperial), they are not doing well and are generally under a lot of stress (of course, there are still some privileged, protected positions, but not so for the majority)

Meh. I agree with B. I probably wouldn’t have voiced that in public to my child (although in private, possibly.)

missperegrine I am sure he thought he was working hard, and he did have quite a few papers published, and it was quite a while now since he retired, but I was only half joking.
I am sure times have changed..

I would like to think that the message I gave my DC by being a mainly SAHM mum was that they were more important to me than my career. Now they are older I do mostly honorary/volunteer work in my previously paid profession and hope the message is that people’s value to society shouldn’t be measured by their earnings.

B sounds like a judgy cow and possibly more phased by the X/Y dynamic than she likes to let on.

I recognise this scenario - I am married to someone whose income has enabled us to be far wealthier than others in my family and for me to be a SAHM for a number of years. Over the 30 years of my marriage there have been endless sly little digs about it from members of my family. There has even been a re-writing of the past to fit their chosen narrative eg I "only married him for his money" which completely overlooks the fact that in 1988 he didn't have any!!

Now that I'm older, I wish I hadn't let it upset me so much

Here's the message I want to give my DC: work is something you do for money or for fulfillment. If you don't need the money and you don't find work fulfilling, do what makes you happy.

Agree with KickAss "So B would like Y to take up a paid position of work, thereby preventing someone else from doing it, even though they don't need the money?"

They don't need the extra money, it's pointless. That hypothetical job that B thinks X should get would benefit someone else far more.

B just sounds jealous and really should keep the nasty comments to themselves.

Its seems a lot of people lately are being very judgmental around who is perceived to be working hard and who isn't. Within my children's lifetime I expect that a large percentage of people will no longer need to "work" in the traditional sense.

B is a judgemental and not very clever twat and that exchange would seriously colour my opinion of her. I'd have asked her what message she is sending her child by teaching her to only value people for the paid work they do.

B is a judgey twat. Possibly a jealous one too.

fourfried yes, you are right, I fear times have changed in academia, like in too many other fields I think workers' rights are less protected, and casualization is a real problem!

B was massively inappropriately and, frankly, socially inept. How embarrassing.

As an aside, a 'big note'. As in, a bank note, or a hand-written note?!

the message I gave my DC by being a mainly SAHM mum was that they were more important to me than my career.

Do you think they got the opposite message from your husband?

I would like to think the message they got from DH working was that as he was the higher earner he was willing to sacrifice time with them in order for them to have the privilege of a full time SAHP. When I grew up in the sixties my parents were in the unusual position of my mum being the higher earner so Dad was the SAHP. In that case Mum sacrificed time with us for the greater good of the family and Dad gave up his career for us.

Another message I got from that and I hope DC get from me is that you work things out for the best interests of your family and don’t judge other people who choose or need to do things differently.

Didn't stop her from accepting the money did it. B is snide. Making comments like that behind one hand whilst closing a fist round notes with the other is a terrible example for children.

Sometimes it's best to keep those opinions to yourself. I don't disagree with it. However, I wouldn't say it as B did.

I can't imagine going through life depending on someone else for my mosr basic needs, but that's just me.

B is jealous!

Hell, im jealous and I don’t even know A, B, X, Y or even U!