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AIBU?

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Original poster

When it is reasonable to tell a parent you don't agree with their parenting?

80 replies

Noneofmybeeswax · 23/08/2018 11:30

I always thought someone else's child was their business but just recently I have concerns about a child's welfare. I won't go into the ins and outs but long story short the 1 year old child is regularly left unattended in a car for extended periods (30 mins or more). The parent is rarely more than 100 yards away but out of eye sight and ear shot. When the parent returns the kid is often crying.
WWYD? Keep your nose out? Say something to the parent? Report it?

OP posts:
StartingAgain1 · 25/08/2018 14:59

Is this on the school run? If it is report it to the school and they will have a word.
Or just say something like I don't think you should leave the baby in the car cos of xyz.
I wouldn't leave my kids in the car cos my car has been hit at a high speed whilst parked outside my house, dread to think what would of happened if the kids were in it

paintinmyhairAgain · 25/08/2018 15:31

don't get this thing with leaving dc in cars unattended when they are young, sounds wrong to me.
mummy [bleugh] tending horses is more important than dc Confused, what other stupid excuses do people have in the real world ?

WiddlinDiddlin · 25/08/2018 15:37

The reason the 'horsey' thing is relevant is that horsey mums might be needing to have child somewhere safe, whilst they bring in/turn out/ride in the school..

Not safe to have smalls on the yard, or in the school, so its pretty common to have them left in the car and some do that safely - monitors, someone else knows they are there etc.

Some do it stupidly - no monitor, out of sight/ear shot in the heat/no one knows they are there/mum is riding or something else risky and if mum were to get a kick in the head or come off no one would know mum was there or child was there...

Pengggwn · 25/08/2018 15:39

WiddlinDiddlin

That doesn't answer my question. You just explained why they're doing it. I am saying the reason isn't relevant. It's either safe for the child or it isn't.

Pengggwn · 25/08/2018 16:32

whilst they bring in/turn out/ride in the school..

How long do people leave 'smalls' alone in a car while they ride a horse? Absolutely disgraceful, by the way.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 25/08/2018 16:45

I have recently had sufficient cause to report some things concerning children to the social services..when you know its time to do so any doubts just go right out of the window,,you just have to do it..I put off doing it for weeks but then I just had no choice.The social worker I spoke to was so supportive of my call and put me at ease and I know I did the right thing.I was not concerned with staying annonymous in fact I told the parents I was going to do it ..it has caused some upset as it turns out social services were already involved and they thought I wouldnt do it but I did ,,I had to ..now I feel so much better and not all churned up inside and worrying myself sick ..hopefully if they choose to work with social services they as a family will have a much more positive outcome and their children will benefit from the intervention,If you are so worried please just do it for the childrens sake ..they can't be helped if they remain invisable,

paintinmyhairAgain · 27/08/2018 08:54

if you are going horse riding or the like why not have a baby sitter or other child care ? Confused. it similar to saying i'm going shopping for half an hour but it's okay because there is a monitor in the car and if 3yo cries i'll leave the shop and go back to them - ffs !

CherryPavlova · 27/08/2018 09:28

I can’t help but think being horsey makes others react in a harsher way.
Do people not leave little ones in the car when they bring the shopping in - often more than a hundred yards and out of sight?
D they seriously wake a sleeping toddler to pay for petrol or drop a parcel off?
What harm is the child likely to come to? Clearly you wouldn’t leave them in a hot car in bright sunshine or on a motorway but in a stable Yard? The risk of abduction in the U.K. is minimal. I can’t remember the last baby that was taken from a car. What harm/risk exacts the child coming to?

I’d leave the parent to parent and allow SSD to try and find staff to deal with the truly neglected and harmed children.

AssassinatedBeauty · 27/08/2018 10:04

There was a case in Birmingham in July when a car was taken with a 4 week old baby inside. They weren't after the baby, but still the baby was in danger regardless.

CherryPavlova · 27/08/2018 23:10

Indeed, they were stealing a car. From a stable yard it is rare. Including child kidnappings, 7.4 offences of child abduction or kidnapping were recorded per 100,000 children by police in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. This is mainly teenagers and very rarely babies or toddlers. Most were by family members - estranged fathers etc.

Queuegardens · 27/08/2018 23:22

If you have small children and no childcare you can't go and ride a horse for half an hour. Plenty of things I'd like to do, from going for a run to joining a choir but if you don't have anyone to supervise, errr, you can't.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 27/08/2018 23:30

Do people honestly leave their children in a car while thwy ride a horse for half an hour!?

I used to leave mine to sleep wi th the windows open at home. In the recent heatwave I came across this advice and I would never leave them now. I will leave them while I open the door or unload the shopping and I do out them.in the car then sometimes run in for something but never for a sleep and never longer than a few mins:

What is the harm in leaving a child alone in the car?
Heat stroke (hyperthermia) is the biggest danger. Heat stroke can damage the brain and other body organs. It can even lead to death. It doesn’t take long for a child’s body temperature to become too high very fast when left in a car because:

The temperature inside a car can increase 20 degrees in just 10 minutes and 40 degrees in an hour. It doesn’t have to feel hot outside to be dangerous inside a car. Deaths have happened when it’s just above 70 degrees F (Fahrenheit) outside. Leaving the windows open slightly does not prevent the temperature from rising to a dangerous level.
A child’s body heats up three to five times faster than an adult’s body. Children have a lot of body surface area that absorbs heat. Children’s bodies have not yet developed the ability to cool down well.
Most of the children who have died from heat stroke after being left alone in a car were 3 and under, but it has happened to kids as old as 14.

Other risks of leaving a child alone in the car include being trapped in a trunk, setting the car in motion or being taken from the car.

TallTilly · 27/08/2018 23:34

How old are the children of the horsey folk that are sitting in the car while parents ride??

Neither of my children would tolerate that. They’d be going off their heads with the restraint and the boredom.

“Horsey” or not, i think it’s shitty to leave them in the car that long, even if you do feel it’s relatively safe. How boring for them.

My sister in law (single parent) used to leave her sleeping baby in the cot while she nipped round the block with the dog last thing at night. Horsey folk, is that ok too?

garethsouthgatesmrs · 27/08/2018 23:52

Sorry i meant to add thst i would say something either to them or ss.

Booboostwo · 28/08/2018 06:37

I don’t do this but just to explain...if you own a horse you may need to visit it multiple times a day, e.g turn out in the morning, muck out, bring in and that’s before you have exercised it. You may also need to visit urgently because the horse is lame, has broken a fence, is tangled in its rug, etc. They are high maintenance animals and it’s not just a case of booking a babysitter once a week to ride. I imagine farmers who have animals will face similar challenges..

SnuggyBuggy · 28/08/2018 07:30

Surely once you know you are having a baby it's time to find someone to take over the responsibility for a time.

Witchofwisteria · 28/08/2018 07:39

I would write them a letter and post it anon. Don't be nasty but please remind them car jacking does happen and remind them of the dangers of baby's laying In a car seat in such hot weather for long periods. Perhaps this will shame them into it. Failing that if they keep doing it I would be on to 999 next time it happens.

Llanali · 28/08/2018 07:40

I also immediately thought of farm or horse situation.

For all those asking if people seriously leave a small child in a car for half an hour.... yes!

Why is leaving my 10 month old asleep in a lie flat carry cot, safe in the car in appropriate temperatures and in private land more dangerous than leaving them upstairs in a cot?

Clearly, temperatures and position of car relevant to public place/road etc matters, but for those saying this would always be neglect, could they elaborate please?

Clearly this situation, where the child is upset and unattended is different; but only because the child is distresed. If the child were sleeping happily I’d have no issue.

Llanali · 28/08/2018 07:42

Does car jacking, on private property often within at least one set of gates, really happen? Often enough for it to be a concern I mean.

stevie69 · 28/08/2018 07:45

When you have reason to believe the child is at risk of harm. In which case you don't have to discuss it with the parent directly but you should report it.

I think that this sums it up perfectly. If you believe a child's safety to be called into question, then report. If you simply disagree with another person's style of parenting, then ..... sorry but you need to butt out Blush

OrgyOfBarminess · 28/08/2018 07:47

Someone reported my dss's mum for leaving her dd in her car whilst she was at the yard.

Her handbrake failed and it ended up in a ditch on its side WITH her DD in it!!

Llanali · 28/08/2018 07:47

@TallTilly

No, But it slightly depends.... did she take a monitor with her, that worked well and had good function signal? How far away is the block? Could she have made it home in the same amount of time that say, turning off a gas hob, moving a hot pan safely, opening and closing a kitchen stair gate and going up two flights of stairs, to another stair gate, and into the child’s room? Is the child generally well, is your area low crime, is your neighbour attached and friendlly, do you have working smoke alarms.

I’d not leave my child to walk the dog, no, but somethings are not as black and white. Plenty of people pop to an out building at the end of a garden to do a laundry run or switch over washing to the tumble dryer etc. How different is that, if your garden is big?

Suewiang · 28/08/2018 08:43

Wind your neck In and bother about your own children not others.

Goth237 · 28/08/2018 11:29

That poor child is going to grow up with some serious abandonment issues. What an awful mother she is! I would never leave my child alone in a car, especially at such a young age. Why even have children?! Don't they have a bedroom for her? What the hell is the "mother" doing while her child is locked out in the car? I would report her. It's very neglectful. Makes my blood boil...

Goth237 · 28/08/2018 11:33

@Booboostwo yes, baby's are also high maintenance. When you decide to have a baby, you need to also decide that the baby comes first. Your life has to change to work around the baby, not the other way round...