AIBU to want to give our kids what I had?

[Figamol]

Just a question really!
If you went to private school yourself, how many of you are able to offer that to your own kids?
I’d love to and feel like I’m letting down my parents by not being able to do what they didn’t for me! We both work hard in good careers but with 3 kids it’s just not doable these days! I feel like I’m somehow failing my parents legacy!!

I went to private school. My brother didn't. We both went to uni, and he earns more and is happier that me. I wouldn't send my child to private school even if I could afford it.

YANBU to want that, but it's not the be all and end all.

I went to private schools and vowed I would never inflict that on my kids.

Surely what your parents gave you was a loving and happy childhood, support to get a good education etc. You can do that with a state education.
If private school mateys to you so much I daresay you'd have had less children. Not saying you should have, I'm saying you chose a larger family over private school, that's a perfectly reasonable decision and you're parents legacy should be their line and support not what money can buy

I didn't go to private school but I can completely understand the feeling of wanting your dc to have at least a good a childhood as you did.

We're moving house because of it - back to my home town so DS can have the space and freedom I got but DH didn't growing up in London.

Don't feel like you are failing anything though - some things are harder for our generation (house prices etc) but equally somethings will be better for our DC than they were for us (eg attitudes towards disability/race/sexuality)

Oh my word we had this discussion last night!

My mum and dad sent us both to excellent school and I’m riddled with guilt that, with 4 children and very average incomes they’ll never be able to have that opportunity

It’s awful 😭

My Dad inherited business assets that allowed my parents to pay for private education, however they also bequeathed a very liberal and holistic approach to life and I don’t feel any ‘lesser’ for not providing private education.

You’re caught up in a comparison loop which will hinder you.

Thanks ladies some good interesting thoughts there. It’s just I know quite a few HR Directors of good companies who ave all said to me they pick private school kids over state school. I don’t know why but it really made me feel like I’m not doing my best for them, along with the fact my parents are clearly upset we can’t give them what they gave us. They worked from nothing to very comfortable and were so proud my siblings and I were the first to even get GCSEs never mind us all going to good universities! They really do see education as the best gift ever. I’m not saying they’re right, I’m just feeling a lot of pressure and mummy guilt!!!

I won't be able to give my son everything I was given simply because we don't earn anywhere near as much as my parents (or my inlaws) did.

That being said we are not poor and we can give him more than he needs.

We both went to private school. Even if we could afford it, neither of us would want to send him to private school. Not because of any horrendous experience, I just don't want him to grow up in a bubble like we did. And I don't think private schools are necessarily better, I think you are just paying for a "better class" of school friend. And I want him to have a broader experience than that.

He won't get fancy foreign holidays every year, private education, a brand new car at 17, every bit of tech he asks for etc like I did. But I don't see that as a bad thing.

I didn’t go to private school ( went to a very good school though and did very well in exams) DH went to private school

I didn’t go to uni but I haven’t done bad in life I have my own business and own a few rental properties. DH went to uni and works in Law.

We’ve 3 dc and they will be going to private school mainly because dh wants them to have the excellent education he had as dh believes you get a better education and more doors open if you’ve been to private school. I’m on the fence as I didn’t go to private school and I’ve done well so far in life but many of my school friends haven’t unlike nearly all of dh who have the nice house & good jobs so maybe dh is right.

Anyway I can understand you wanting your dc to have what you did I think that is natural but life is what it is and your dc can still do well in exams, go to uni if they wish and get good jobs with your encouragement and by them working hard at school.

I went to private school. I hated it,hated that we had no money to spend on other things, hated that my parents argued about money and hated that many years later my parents still harp on about what they did for me.
I'm not giving my DC what I had. I'm giving them something better.

I went to private school.really struggling to send my children. I would feel like I was letting my parents down if we couldn't keep up with the fees but I would feel like I was failing my children terribly and also generally failing at being a responsible person although I would pro ably just homeschool to ease my conscience so as not to be a burden to society. Before that we would just move to a different country with more educational choices. There are ridiculously few options in Britain.

*wouldn't feel like I was letting my parents down

Thing is, the affordability of private schools has changed massively. Fees have increased way above inflation for a generation, wages haven't kept up. It used to be affordable(ish) for most middle class professionals to put their children through private schools. It isn't anymore.

I felt this a lot when mine were younger. Not re private school but having moved from northern Europe to UK, I was really unhappy that they would not have the freedom to roam I had had, they wouldn't be growing up in a large house with plenty of room for hobbies, they wouldn't have the untrammelled access to nature I had.

Looking back, it all feels like a waste of emotional energy. No, they didn't have my childhood. But then they never would have. They grew up in a different era, they grew up in a different family, they are different people. And that is fine.

They have had a childhood that was interesting to them, they have made themselves lives that are theirs.

The only thing I still grieve over is that dd's childhood was blighted by ill health and disability and physical pain, but then there is nothing any choices of mine, or any amount of money, could have done about that. And that struggle, however much I wish it hadn't happened, has helped to make her the fine person she is and allowed her to experience the pride in fighting and winning against the odds.

There is absolutely no reason why your children cannot go to university and make themselves careers and perhaps even experience some of the same excitement your parents did in succeeding without getting everything handed on a plate. Education isn't the preserve of the rich. And who wants to work for a company with the attitude you described, anyway?

Racecardriver do you feel that 93% of the population, including those working as nurses, teachers, paramedics, dustbin collectors etc, are failing terribly as responsible persons because their salaries won't run to private school? And what would the answer be? For only 7% of the population to have children? Or for parents to refuse to do any work, however essential to society, that is not well remunerated enough to run to private school fees?

YANBU to feel like this, but it's not really a fair comparison as private school fees have increased completely disproportionately to income in one generation.

Sorry, just basically said the same as Bosswitch, she just explained it more articulately!

Sorry, missed your correction Racecardriver

My brother and I went to private school. He has a very successful well paid career, I think likely helped on the way there by the reputation of his school (without taking away from his achievement). He is also very stressed, health has been effected. His kids are at private.
My job does not reflect the level of my education or results but I'm reasonably paid, part time with no stress. I think I have probably coasted and there is something in it that private school made it easy for me to achieve good results. I'm intelligent but I didn't really ever push myself.

We could probably just about manage private for our DC but it would mean a big lifestyle change. I'm very torn as to whether it's worth it though. I feel I was quite sheltered as I grew up and didn't get to mix with people from all walks of life. One of the things I miss for my kids is the facilities though, I was lucky to play on the best school team in the country for my sport and I would never have got into that sport if I hadn't been at that school.

I never feel like I'm letting my parents down, they just want us to be happy.

I also think if we really stretched ourselves to afford it, doesn't it just feed the loop? - our DC will then feel they have to send their kids private.

You can give your child the gift of a great education without paying for private school.

You can make their education more holistic and offer greater breadth in the holidays.

Children certainly don't need to go to private school to go to university - everybody and their dog goes these days. You set yourself apart more by not going in many ways.

Loads of people who went to the more affordable private schools in the past received a rather patchy education. The one I went to employed a lot of unqualified teachers and "eccentrics" who couldn't find new posts when the school went bankrupt in the 1990s...

30 or 40 years ago plenty of fairly ordinary parents with one income from a professional job could afford private schooling, in many cases their equivalents in the same jobs can't any more even with 2 incomes - a lot of the schools they used have gone bankrupt.

The private schools can't have been that great if their alumni can't afford private schooling for their own kids or wouldn't choose it.

I think private schooling made me struggle when I first tried to fit into normal life not because it was elite at all, but because my world was so incredibly small and limited. I had no idea how to cope with a lot of very ordinary situations. This was exacerbated by a very narrow, rural home life admittedly.

In some careers there is an old boys network, it's true. That's shit. However who's to say your children will want any part of that sort of career or those types of people?

Most of my old private school friends seem to be teachers or nurses or sahms or farmers - no need for a private education to do that, money down the drain if you view it transactionally as paying for better career prospects!

My kids have had more residential trips at state school than I had at private school, and their state schools offer a wider range of subjects and extra curricular activities.

Was it a good private school though? Some private schools are just a money making business whilst others are excellent places of learning.

I went to school that makes top 10 a level
Results in the country every year but my kids are at excellent comprehensives. There is no doubt which ones are the happy teens.

My DP went to private school, I did not. I had the option to go because my DF is wealthy and I am his only child (parents separated, DM not so wealthy) but I declined because I wanted to stay with my friends.

I am also a teacher albeit at FE level in a college so I’m well aware of the pitfalls of state education, especially since the Tories got their grubby hands on it.

DP and I have had various conversations about the education we want for our DC and have decided to find an outstanding secondary stage school and I will offer additional tutoring rather than spending thousands every year on private education. His parents didn’t have the money to do it, they really suffered as a result and it hasn’t done much for DP that state school couldn’t have. It doesn’t make sense to break ourselves financially.

Oh for goodness sake there are plenty of us that went to state schools and are doing alright. If your parents are that bothered about it then I'd be inclined to ask them to fund it. If focus on everything else that you can give to your children as I doubt very much you children will
Ever turn around to you and say "I wish I went private school" they haven't had it so won't know if they are missing out .

I went to private school and had a throughly miserable time. I wasn’t from the same kind family as most of the girls there, I didn’t fit in and it wasn’t a big enough cohort for me to “find my tribe”. I also don’t think the education there was any better than state. I wouldn’t wish that on my DD even though at a push we could afford private school.