To not want to attend

[starlight33]

A few years ago my husband organized and paid for dinner for a significant birthday I had as I didn't want a party. He invited my family and inlaws and a few close friends. Not one member of my family turned up but my inlaws and friends did, my dad had to work, my mum had the option to go but wouldn't get the bus over and my brother who drives didn't want to go on his own. I suggested my mum ask my brother for a lift but she didn't want to "bother him". Now my brother is celebrating a big birthday and my mum wants us all there for dinner to mark the occasion. I feel a bit hurt to be honest not that my mum is organizing a dinner for my brother but the fact that she's pushing for us to be there when they didn't go to my birthday. AIBU to not want to go or should I be the bigger person?

I'd cut of my nose to spite my face and I did this 2 weeks ago when my dad's daughter had a birthday and my dad organised a meal! He's never done that for me yet she's nothing but a troublemaker!

So I wouldn't go.

I wouldn’t go. I don’t care if it’s petty.

I don't think you're being unreasonable for not wanting to go.

I'd probably actually ask my mum why I should be expected to attend given the fact that they snubbed mine, but then go anyway. And sit there with a face like a smacked arse making snide digs.

But I am very petty.

Are you determined to improved relationships with your family? If so, you might be fighting a losing battle. If not, why bother going?

Presumably your mother didn't organise your dinner because you had your husband to do it.

Do you actually like your family, or are they just there for you to point score from?

YANBU unless there is a risk not going would have a further detrimental affect on ur relationships and you care?
If there a backstory as to why they wouldn’t have attended your birthday?

I wouldn't go either

Being the bigger person is over-rated. Life is too brief to spend it with people who care less about you than you do about them. I wouldn't make a big confrontation of it, though, just be "unfortunately" unavailable, and let them work it out if they have the insight. They probably don't.

My rule for weddings and family events is that I only attend if I really love the person/persons celebrating. Stick to that rule and you'll live a much happier life.

It doesn't sound as though going to the party will add any happiness to your life, leave them to it and organise something lovely for the same night with someone you love.

Do you actually like your family, or are they just there for you to point score from? I'd be asking the OP if her family actually like her instead. But I'm not nasty enough, unlike some....

Do you want to attend the event?

I wouldn’t go and tell them why.

You make it sound like your DB is single?

Sounds like it could be that you had your DH to organise something lovely for you but if your DPs don't arrange something for DB, he doesn't have anyone else to plan something special for him so that's why they are.

I wouldn't go, I agree that being the better person is massively overrated. Sometimes if you smile and act graciously towards someone who has treated you like dirt all they learn is that it 's ok to treat you like this. I note that your big birthday was a couple of years ago so it's very likely they won't make the connection as to why you aren't there, so the point may be lost on them anyway.

I wouldn't go. Because I know I would be biting my tongue not a snippy comment about the party they couldn't be bothered to attend.

Those excuses were poor and hurtful. I'm glad your in laws and your friends ensured you had a good birthday.

I'd certainly be asking your mother why she thinks you should go.

I wouldn't go.

What Anniegetyourgun said.
Life is too short to spend time with people that make literally no effort for you. I don't think it's petty to not attend. It's having boundaries, principles and protecting yourself from negativity.

I think it honestly depends on what sort of ongoing relationship you want with them

I wouldn't bother going either and I wouldn't tell them why.
I would just say I was busy that night & if they pushed it just say we were out for family meal (that is family I care about & not family I don't)....

Whar gersemi says.

Far less confrontation and petulant than saying you aren't going because they didn't come to yours.

DM will probably say "because he's your brother and you should" to which you have the perfect response.

Then, don't go.

I'd do what Milk.

Go along but keep referring back to my own meal and what a pity they missed it.

Aren't you washing your hair that night op?

Don't make someone a priority who makes you only an option is something i saw here once and its true.

I would look back and analyse if my family always showed this favouritism or if this was a one off.

Wouldn’t go, not at all. You deserve better.
Bad enough they couldn’t celebrate a big birthday for you but now they expect you to sit and have your face rubbed in how much of an effort they can make when they want to. Sod that.

If anyone complains just innocently say “but our family don’t make a fuss of birthdays, none of you came to mine what’s the difference here?”