To not want to attend

[starlight33]

A few years ago my husband organized and paid for dinner for a significant birthday I had as I didn't want a party. He invited my family and inlaws and a few close friends. Not one member of my family turned up but my inlaws and friends did, my dad had to work, my mum had the option to go but wouldn't get the bus over and my brother who drives didn't want to go on his own. I suggested my mum ask my brother for a lift but she didn't want to "bother him". Now my brother is celebrating a big birthday and my mum wants us all there for dinner to mark the occasion. I feel a bit hurt to be honest not that my mum is organizing a dinner for my brother but the fact that she's pushing for us to be there when they didn't go to my birthday. AIBU to not want to go or should I be the bigger person?

My rule for weddings and family events is that I only attend if I really love the person/persons celebrating. Stick to that rule and you'll live a much happier life.

That is what the OP is saying, that her own parents take this approach and thus don't give a shiny shit about her.

@Iknowwhoyouare123 he is single and lives alone.

I think thats probably it then. I don't think they're playing favourites, I think their thought process was you were going to have a lovely time whether they were there or not but DB gets nothing at all unless they organise something for him.

Not excusing them not going to yours but I think this is why it's happened.

I wouldn't go ...but then I can be quite petty lol

The issue isn't really op's mum organising it as obviously op has her partner to organise her meal but her brother is single....the issue is the op's mum making a bigger deal and actually attending brothers meal

Forget about your birthday. You’re completely justified in feeling hurt but the only person suffering is you, so my advice is to let it go and waste no more emotional energy on it.

Do you actually want to go? If not, then don’t, and they will just have to suck it up.

It's your free time, you don't owe it to others who don't make an effort for you. Do something you love in that time instead and don't go. That's what I'd done.

Tell your mum you don’t want to get the bus over!

See if she remembers that she said that to you, and if she suggests your Dh drive you there say you don’t want to “bother him.”

Or you could say “I wonder if any family members are actually going to make an effort and attend as they didn’t for my birthday, I’ll let you know if I can fit it into my schedule”

Ignore the bit about your mum organising it as he's on his own.
But none of them could make an effort for you so I wouldn't be going.

I would just say "oh... I thought we didn't attend each other's birthday celebrations in this family. Must just have been that you didn't want to come to mine. In that case I think I'll decline as I know where I stand in this family".

I wouldn’t go and I’d tell the fuckers why.
Did you get any acknowledgement on your birthday? Gifts? Cards?
Are they always like this?

I wouldn't go either,!

firstly. I completely understand how you feel. My mother didn't go to several of my significant events and couldn't be bothered to go to my graduation but went over the top about my elder sibling, every time. It really really hurt.
However, Its not your brother's fault. Its your mother who is organising it.
So the question is, although he didnt want to go to your party on his own (which if he was feeling insecure in not having a partner going to a party which would be full of married couples, you might give him a bit of leeway for - ) Maybe he needed the boost.
So setting her actions aside. Do you feel you'd like to be there for him? I'd make your decision on that, rather than on anything your mother says.
Whichever decision you make, I'd call her out on this. Tell her the unvarnished truth about how her behaviour has made you feel and ask her why she thinks its OK to do that. It might not be pretty if she snaps back, but at least you've brought it out into the open and that is better than suffering in silence.

Provide exactly the same response to the invite as he gave to you. Word for word.

I wouldn't go. Only because the reasons they didn't attend yours were really pathetic. If they were ill or on holidays, fair enough. But not wanting to get the bus? Not wanting to come on his own? Totally lame.

Their actions speak volumes tbh.

What do you think you’ll do, OP?

Nah, fuck it. I would bother. They couldn't be arsed with yours.

May be petty, but hey ho. Surround yourself with people who love you and make you feel worthwhile.

I wouldn't go or I would but I'd ruin the atmosphere by keep referencing that no one came to mine.

YANBU
I wouldn't waste my time on these people, or attending the party.

Being the bigger person is overrated.

Hi everyone just wanted to update on my post. I decided to go but told my mum we wouldn't attend the meal as I had to work but would pop over after to give my brother his present and have some cake at my mums house which was the plan for after the meal. When we got there my mum was like oh you just missed your brother he had to go. The meal was at 6 and I was at my mums for 8 (an hours drive) dragging two small children, (never again).

That's quite sad that he couldn't wait. But you know for next time.

Don't go OP. If they don't make an effort for you, then why should you make the effort for them. And say that if she asks why not.