. . . to want to forgive myself and move on?

[CanIEverForgiveMyself]

So I'm lying in bed once again, torturing myself over awful things I did a few years ago.

I've been with second DH for three and a half years, married for almost a year. (No kids as I am infertile; IVF isn't working out). I adore him and I will never hurt him.

I did, however, hurt my first DH in the worst way possible. We married in our early twenties (I'm now 38) and six years in I began an affair with a work colleague. I thought I was in love but it was more of an obsession; incredibly unhealthy and destructive - it was like he was the most addictive drug imaginable.

I lied, I schemed, I stayed up late into the night messaging the other man, I sneaked off to be with him whenever I could. I neglected DH, left him alone on so many evenings and I literally cannot believe how I behaved towards that golden-hearted, good man. I hurt him so badly. I eventually left him for OM; it was a disaster and we split eventually. DH was devastated when he found out I'd been seeing OM all along as I never confessed at the time; I said I wanted to split because we'd grown apart, got married too soon etc. I think it was the worst betrayal of someone and I'm so ashamed. I was such a coward and wanted to stay friends with DH after we split; I couldn't bear to own up to it. So I think it was a double blow for him when he found out.

So here I am, six years after the split, with lovely new DH and incredibly grateful for my second chance. But I hate myself. I think about what I did every day and I loathe myself.

Is this my fair punishment? Should I just accept that I deserve to feel this way, and carry on? Or should I try to forgive myself and move on? Sometimes I think my infertility is the karma.

How is your ex doing now? Has he been able to move on to someone new?

How is your ex doing now? Has he been able to move on to someone new?

You most forgive yourself. You are human, humans do horrible things to each other. You have learned, and you have grown. You aren’t the same person who did those things.

If you were sitting there saying oh well shit happens I’d be less sympathetic. But your guilt is proof that you’re not an awful person.

Put down the stick you’re beating yourself with. Literally imagine putting it down and walking away from it. Feel yourself getting lighter and freer.

Have you sought counselling on your IVF journey at all?

The infertility if not a punishment. You need to forgive yourself. It was bad, but you can move on.

You realize what you did was bad, presumably you eventually told your ex dh you were sorry, and so now you can move on.

Have you and ex stayed friends?

Infidelity is, of course, very hurtful, but you can forgive yourself.

This will sound harsh but is the honest answer :

That feeling of shame is there for a reason , to remind you to never repeat it because of how wrong it was to the other person.

You can't do anything about it now, so it's up to you really. Is there any point agonising over it and wasting mental energy? You could be using your mental energy "for good" now as it were - make that your karma - do good things, focus on positive things for yourself and others.

I don't know, GinPink. I moved away from the area for work, and his family and friends closed ranks - as of course they should have. He's not on any social media so when I've looked for him over the years I've never found him. I sent him a couple of emails and texts after the divorce but he ignored them.

He's very black and white - once he found out, I was pretty much dead to him, after the initial angry outbursts during which he called me a slut etc. - again, totally deserved.

I'd love to think he met an amazing woman who deserved him, and they have a family together now, and are really happy.

Thank you for the kind answers. Part of me would love to stop beating myself up, but I feel haunted by what I did. I remember how devastated he was when I moved out, and the sadness I caused him. I feel sick when I remember the expression on his face as I was leaving - he was so bewildered and sad. I relive it all over and over again.

Maybe I should look for some sort of counselling. But oh my god - the thought of speaking out loud about what I did horrifies me. Nobody in my family knows. They'd be so ashamed of me. So it would be a big step to acknowledge it and talk about it, even with a stranger in confidence.

I personally don't believe in karma, and your infertility would not be due to this.

I also believe a leopard CAN change their spots. It sounds like you made mistakes, ones that at the time were very hurtful. But you sound full of genuine remorse and like a changed person. Time really is a healer for this stuff. I can't imagine you'd ever make it back on his xmas card list but I can't imagine he's still hurting and upset like he was back then. In the nicest possible way I can't imagine he gives you much thought anymore!

You've learnt an important lesson and it's made you who you are today. Remember this but forgive yourself and move on.

It was a bad thing, but it seems like you have punished yourself a lot for it. I think you need to try and let go, it’s the only way you can move on. You can still acknowledge you feel guilty for it and not let it rule your life.

Counselling might help. Even just a few sessions. It might be helpful to talk it through with someone impartial - getting it all out there might help you work through those feelings. I know you said you didn’t think you could be open with a stranger but honestly it’s actually easier than someone you know, they don’t have any history/preconceived notions of you so can listen and give objective advice. It’s quite freeing.

My ex cheated on me. At the time I was a mess. Literally my whole world fell apart at the worst possible time. At times I wanted to die

I look back now and thank god he did it, I'm now with a great man 1000 times better than that wanker.

Again, meant in the nicest possible way. I'm not calling you a wanker... it's just for him that's probably how he feels, like he had a lucky escape.

Am I digging here?

Just try the visualisation OP, you can’t sleep anyway so worth a go.

I have a form of OCD which involves obsessive ruminations and irrational thoughts, and I have fixated over events from the past, feeling extreme guilt and self loathing. Counselling can really help.

You don’t deserve to punish yourself forever. You are not the only person to have done what you did and cause hurt like you did. It happened, it can’t be changed, but you have a whole life ahead of you to be better. That’s what you must focus on.

Imagine your best friend or sister had done this, and was saying the things you’ve written in your OP. What would you tell her? Wouldn’t you remind her of all the wonderful things she’s done and how much you love her, that her past actions don’t cancel out all the good things about her, and that she deserves to let go and show herself some kindness? I would. Why can’t you do that for yourself?

Fertility doesn’t work that way. Yes, what you did was horrible and cruel. It would also be self indulgent to try and find your ex and ask him to forgive you. It wouldn’t be for him at all. So, you need to find a way to make peace with the knowledge that you behaved like this. You can hate the behaviour and not hate yourself. You can not ever behave that way again. Write it all down then burn the letter, do something as a penance, but let that shit go. Learn and release.

Talk to a good counsellor/ psychologist/ helpful friend. Life is hard. We make mistakes. It's taught in primaryschool that making mistakes is ok providing you learn from them . Often the most important lessons are learnt from such mistakes. Give yourself and your dh a chance and a break from your guilt. As they'd say I mindfulness, learn to accept and be!!!

Do you think you would feel better if you found out that he was married to a nice woman and had a family?

Are you quite sure you can’t find info on him online somehow? Even if no social media, other stuff? Friends in common?

Feeling shame is not a bad thing. It reminds you of what you've done. You fucked up. HUGELY. You hurt someone who didn't deserve it. The only thing you can hope for now is that you have learned from the shit thing you did.

Forgive yourself. Life is short. Punishing yourself will help no one. Just be a better person going forward.

Fuck off @Jupiter. You can't possibly be sure of anything based on an anonymous internet thread, and are merely saying that to be a bitch to someone who is already clearly struggling with their past behaviour.

OP, go and speak to someone about this. Not just for you, but for your current DH - you can't carry this forever. Yes, you did a terrible thing: people do. But you can't erase it, so you have to move past it, and stop punishing yourself.

Oh OP you sound absolutely haunted, like you’re your own harshest critic.

If we were all judged by the worst thing we’d ever done, none of us would be able to leave the house every day.

Try to forgive yourself. You know it was wrong, but you can’t be punished for it forever.

The first thing is I agree with PPs that there is no connection between infidelity and infertility. Although stress is unlikely to help, so exorcising your guilt is a positive step forward.

The chances are if you’re really honest with yourself, that there was something not quite right with that relationship if you were unfaithful early on. You don’t sound like someone who was unfaithful due to a sense of entitlement, which is another thing altogether.

However, this situation is keeping you stuck, so one approach might be to write two letters (definitely NOT to be sent or shown to anyone but to help you work through your feelings). The first one would be to your ex-husband in which you apologise for all the ways you hurt him; you explain how contrite you are now; and you wish him all good things for the future.

The second letter is his imagined response. He explains how he felt hurt, acknowledges why your relationship was probably not right and concludes that he has moved on, forgiven you and wishes you no ill.

Then you burn both letters. The idea is that in your head you are stuck with you as the evil person and him as the betrayed person who hasn’t moved on. In reality, you have learnt lots of lessons, and are essentially a different person. He is also extremely likely to have moved on too and may well have realised that it was best for everyone that you are not together, whilst both acknowledging that you could have handled it better and caused a lot of unnecessary hurt but should now forgive yourself.

Jupiter - don't you ever get nosebleeds from sitting on such a high horse? Shut the fuck up.

Infertility is such a painful journey - my first thought was are you looking for a reason to blame it on. It can all seem so muddled, illogical, unfair and confusing, but if your bad past is the reason then suddenly there's an (albeit twisted) bit of sense and order in there.

Beyond that, humans have an endless ability to hurt one another and nobody is exempt from that. You feeling bad shows that you have a conscience and care that you screwed up. For what it's worth, I was treated very similarly by an ex. It was the worst experience of my life at the time and took me to a very dark place. But I moved on and found a life much better than the one we had. I don't think of him as an awful person anymore, just one who was young and unhappy and a bit selfish. I genuinely hope he's happy now. I imagine your ex would too - you won't have ruined his life.

Have you told your new DH anything close to the extent of what you did? Secrecy can be very damaging for your mental health and the health of your relationship.

You did an awful thing but the fact you feel as terrible as you do is proof that you're fundamentally a decent person. Unfortunately many, many people do what you did and ultimately don't give a shiny shite.

Does your now dh know the full history? If not, do you think it's why it's playing on your mind so much?

I do think, very much, that you need counselling.

This is quite sad to read, I hope it’s ok to share something, but I had an ex who cheated on me, absolutely tore me to pieces, and I really hated that he had taken my pure feelings for him and taken me for a fool. That feeling lasted for quite some time, but it did pass, and I found someone very special. It now all makes sense 8-9 years on.

There came a realisation of what our relationship was, and I never thought I’d have said it, but in a roundabout way I’m glad he did what he did, because the bond I have with my husband is one I didn’t share with him, I shared a bond with him, but it’s different.

Please don’t continue to beat yourself up. The chances are he’s moved on, and he’s probably very happy.

Let go of all of this negativity, there aren’t many people who are happy with everything they’ve ever done in their life.

I live with guilt of my own, and all I can do is try and be at peace with the choices I made years ago, in the knowledge I can’t change that, all I can do is ensure that I act in a way that I am proud of moving on.

Start doing 1 thing nice for someone else a day, concentrate on the good.