. . . to want to forgive myself and move on?

[CanIEverForgiveMyself]

So I'm lying in bed once again, torturing myself over awful things I did a few years ago.

I've been with second DH for three and a half years, married for almost a year. (No kids as I am infertile; IVF isn't working out). I adore him and I will never hurt him.

I did, however, hurt my first DH in the worst way possible. We married in our early twenties (I'm now 38) and six years in I began an affair with a work colleague. I thought I was in love but it was more of an obsession; incredibly unhealthy and destructive - it was like he was the most addictive drug imaginable.

I lied, I schemed, I stayed up late into the night messaging the other man, I sneaked off to be with him whenever I could. I neglected DH, left him alone on so many evenings and I literally cannot believe how I behaved towards that golden-hearted, good man. I hurt him so badly. I eventually left him for OM; it was a disaster and we split eventually. DH was devastated when he found out I'd been seeing OM all along as I never confessed at the time; I said I wanted to split because we'd grown apart, got married too soon etc. I think it was the worst betrayal of someone and I'm so ashamed. I was such a coward and wanted to stay friends with DH after we split; I couldn't bear to own up to it. So I think it was a double blow for him when he found out.

So here I am, six years after the split, with lovely new DH and incredibly grateful for my second chance. But I hate myself. I think about what I did every day and I loathe myself.

Is this my fair punishment? Should I just accept that I deserve to feel this way, and carry on? Or should I try to forgive myself and move on? Sometimes I think my infertility is the karma.

You are very conflicted OP and your mind is in chaos right now. I definitely think some counselling will help you sort out your muddled thinking and help you see things more clearly. You won’t have to go in and ‘confess’ everything in your first session. You will be able to take things at your own pace and only tell your counsellor what you want them to know at the pace you want them to hear it.

In the short term try to remember that you are a rounded individual who has done good and bad things in your life. Try not to label yourself as the worst thing you ever did.

I will be the voice from the other side. I cheated on previous partners. And I've been the woman that men cheated with. The guys I've cheated on either found out and we broke up or we broke up before they found out. All of them are now in happy long-term relationships. I know through mutual friends (and tiny bits of social media throwing them up as People You May Know).

As for me: I am now happily married for 8 years, together for 11, with a 5 yo. Have never cheated on DH.

I really hope you can move past feeling like anything in your past behaviour is in any way "punishing" you. I know fertility problems are a cruel blow (DD is a Clomid baby) but it would have happened even if you had been a chaste nun your entire life before.

Infertility counselling definitely sounds like a good idea. You don't even have to talk in detail about your past. The counsellor will likely have heard everything already and is not there to judge you.

Guilt is like the death of a much loved one, the pain eases in time but never feels good.

Op if you had counselling you wouldn’t necessarily have to go over old ground, you’d be there to focus on how you feel now, and cultivate forgiveness.
A small element of confession could come into it, but a good therapist would help you to be in the present in a way that worked for you, and let go of the past.

'Infertility is such a painful journey - my first thought was are you looking for a reason to blame it on. It can all seem so muddled, illogical, unfair and confusing, but if your bad past is the reason then suddenly there's an (albeit twisted) bit of sense and order in there.'

This. Life doesn't work like that. Lovely people sustain one cruel blow after another, horrendous people get all the luck and sunshine, and vice versa, and everything in between.

I'm not saying this to excuse your behaviour in the slightest, but you do seem to have idealised your ex-husband - but any man who calls a woman a slut, even in the face of horrendous betrayal, is not as perfect as he may seem, and at the very least is uncritically accepting outmoded and damaging attitudes.

I agree with PPs about shame. It serves its function, as a deterrent to repeating this behaviour. I get it's very difficult to live with, but in this instance it means you're not a sociopath. It will fade into the background again, probably, when you are not in such a painful place wrt other things. But what you did will always remain a regret of yours. You can forgive yourself - as long as you feel you have learned - but don't try and seek forgiveness from him. It would only be self-serving. He's made it clear he doesn't want you to find him.

I wish you well with the IVF.

How long do you think you should punish yourself for?

I'm probably totally off-track, but have you considered that you might be depressed, OP? Just asking because it took me a long time to realise that I was depressed in my early 20s. I thought depression would feel like sadness, but actually it was more like a constant agony of guilt and shame over every bad thing I'd ever done in my life, to the point where I couldn't sleep at all. I wasn't raised religious but I could only describe it as a terrible sense of my own sinfulness and a belief that everything bad that happened to me was a punishment.

Anyway, I hope you find peace. Except for things like rape and murder, I don't feel that anyone should be defined by the worst thing they ever did in their life - not if they're truly sorry.

Why have you been looking for your ex husband on social media? Do you need his forgiveness and to see he is happy to ease your guilt? Yes, you did a terrible thing and he clearly doesn't want contact with you so just let it go and leave him alone.
If this was about a man who had an affair there would be lot of posts about leopards not changing their spots.

I'm so grateful for the rational, reasonable, kind responses - thank you.

I don't think I'm depressed, although the hormones I'm on during the IVF cycles probably aren't helping. But I've felt like this for years - as soon as I saw how hurt he was, and fully understood the stark reality of what I'd done and acknowledged the level of deceit, these feelings overwhelmed me and I've only ever been able to put them aside for short periods of time. So it's not a recent thing.

I've only ever contacted him a couple of times shortly after the divorce - I knew he would put a wall up, and I respected that once my initial contacts were ignored. He is under no obligation to me whatsoever, and I'm certainly not entitled to ease my guilt by seeing that he's happy now and better off in the long run - which I have no doubt he will be.

You're all absolutely right - the result of the shame is that I will never, ever do anything to hurt someone I love again, so it certainly serves that purpose. I try my best to be a good person now - I work hard to make a good life for a longed-for family, I do weekly volunteer work for a charity, I support my family as much as I can. I know I can't fix what I did, though. Sometimes I feel like I'm rotten to the core because no decent person would be so selfish and cruel.

I think I'll look in to counselling; see how it goes.

Thank you once again - I didn't expect so much understanding. It helps a lot - if other people can forgive me, it gives me hope that I might be able to one day.

OP - I posted earlier but wanted to add that what you did didn’t happen in a vacuum. I’m not saying it was OK or that you did the right thing but somewhere deep down there were reasons for you behaving the way you did. A happy, well adjusted, mature person in a mutually loving, supportive, satisfying relationship doesn’t cheat.

I can say that now after over 30 of marriage (and a lot of analysis as I trained to be a psychotherapist myself). I can look back on the man who cheated on me when we were in out twenties and see there were glaring flaws in our relationship back then. That doesn’t justify his lying and cheating - he should have been upfront and had the bravery to leave.

I hope counselling gives you some answers and closure. Good luck in the future

2nd post from me too.
I'm really rooting for you.
Good luck

Infertility is not a punishment. It is a shit thing when you want children and is terrible bad luck.

Were you badly behaved then? Yes. But that has no correlation to now except in your own guilt. In some ways you have judged and tortured yourself greatly.

Some of the loveliest people i know have been dealt bad hands while some nasty ones sail through merrily. There is no correlation

I would look at counselling. You owe it to yourself and new dh to get help forgiving yourself. Not forgetting is good, it can remind you but you need to let it go and give yourself closure.

Xposted. Glad you are looking into counselling.