Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this constitutes neglect?

39 replies

Frustratedboarder · 22/08/2018 20:27

Just about to put DC's (3&5) to bed and folding back the duvet caught a waft a pee and realised DC(3) had wet the bed last night - closer inspection revealing quite a large (1½ft diameter) dark pee-stained patch, with the duvet lying over it stinking too, and the waterproof undersheet.... Also his PJ's which had been put back on the bed smell strongly of pee. I leave for work at 7:30 and neither DC nor OH were up so I'm guessing OH either didn't even notice pee-sodden child and bedding (wouldn't have checked bedding to be fair) or Just didn't care. Aibu to think this is borderline neglect?? Massively peeved as now have to change bed completely when both kids completely knackered!
There is also a bit of a backstory in that oh works till about 10ish, gets home about 11:30 as stops for a post work drink often, and doesn't get to bed till 1-1:30 most nights so is then pretty crap in the mornings with them...

OP posts:
DidimusStench · 22/08/2018 20:31

Well, if he left it intentionally then yeah, you could say it was neglect, if it happens often. However, it’s plausable the pee was dry and he just didn’t smell it. This has happened to me before now.

CripsSandwiches · 22/08/2018 20:36

Is there any chance the DC noticed and took his PJ's of and came through to DH naked? That's what my DS did the one time he wet the bed as he was embarrassed. If DH noticed and didn't bother doing anything about it then that's massively selfish (mainly to you as he obviously knew you'd sort it tonight) or if he got DC out of bed and didn't notice he was covered in wee that's just dopey as hell.

Original poster
Frustratedboarder · 22/08/2018 20:36

Didi the duvet was still damp tho? That's how I realised... Thought it was just about time to change bed as a bit smelly but then pulled back duvet and realised it was wet.

Do appreciate I might be BU tho, he's so bloody crap in the mornings anyway and I'm just cheesed off I'm making beds at 8:30! Angry

OP posts:
ThatsWotSheSaid · 22/08/2018 20:40

He was leaving it for you to sort out. It’s not neglect but he is an arse.

DidimusStench · 22/08/2018 20:42

Neglect is probably a bit of a reach though OP if this is the first time this has happened.

Why not use it and say something like ‘did you realise this has happened? I need you to make sure this doesn’t happen again.’ And if he makes excuses about being tired tell him he needs to do something about that so the mornings can run a bit smoother.

kaytee87 · 22/08/2018 20:43

Why is he going for a drink after work most days (?) does he have a problem with alcohol?
Yes it is quite neglectful as I bet if he'd been putting them to bed he wouldn't have bothered changing it. Either that or he has so little respect for you he just expects you to deal with it.

Original poster
Frustratedboarder · 22/08/2018 20:45

that'swot that's what I think too. You couldn't miss the smell unless you were paying Zero attention to your child which must've been the case... He quite often gets up late and it's then a rush to get everyone ready so he might have missed it but as I said, out of neglecting to give AF. The kids are quite often bouncing around the apartment by themselves for an hour before he gets up (or even wakes up!)... DC may have taken PJ's off bit Definitely wouldn't have put them in the bedroom!

OP posts:
Metoodear · 22/08/2018 20:48

And this op gets the price for not understanding what neglect is

AssassinatedBeauty · 22/08/2018 20:48

It's not neglect, and it's a big assumption to think he wouldn't have changed the bedding.

Do you think that they could have been running late, and he only did enough to get everyone ready and out of the house? I'd just ask him what happened.

Original poster
Frustratedboarder · 22/08/2018 20:49

Didi I know what you're saying, I think it's just cos it's on top of other related issues (see last post)...
And yes I think he does have an alcohol problem as I could count the number of days/nights he's not had a drink on one hand in the time we've been together (8yrs) but in his industry - hospitality - it's the norm, I'm afraid.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 22/08/2018 20:50

Don't be daft. It's lazy. Neglect is a longer term issue.

LadyRussell · 22/08/2018 20:51

Phone Social Care - see if they think it’s neglect Grin

Pengggwn · 22/08/2018 20:51

Definitely sounds like a drink problem, though.

And kids' urine doesn't smell when fresh, at all. I have lifted DD out of her cot and only later realised she's leaked. It happens.

Strawberrybelly · 22/08/2018 20:52

I can see how it could have been missed so I'm giving him the benefit of doubt. My 3 year old usually takes her pull up off in the morning and wanders around half naked. If I hadn't been in her room that day then I might not notice that her bed was wet.

Original poster
Frustratedboarder · 22/08/2018 20:53

metoo did you mean prize? Grin I admit I might be being unreasonable based on this post alone - I posted to ask that very question in fact! - but was posting as the backstory of other (unquestionably!!) neglectful behaviour means I can't get a perspective sometimes so wanted to seek others opinions before going blazing in later!

OP posts:
Crunchymum · 22/08/2018 21:02

Leaving a 3yo and 5yo (I have kids that age!) for an hour unattended is pretty fucking disgraceful if not neglectful

Oblomov18 · 22/08/2018 21:02

Neglect?
Oh purlease. Insulting to what real neglect IS. Agree with pp that you get the prize. Hmm

Hassled · 22/08/2018 21:06

It may not be neglect but it's undoubtedly crap of him. If he noticed and ignored it was crap. If he was so bleary eyed and out of it that he failed to spot it, it was still crap.

NoBirthdayHugs · 22/08/2018 21:06

To call this neglect is a huge stretch, it may not be best ever parenting but it’s likely he just didn’t notice rather than deliberately ignored it. There may not have been a very strong pee smell first thing in the morning, I definitely find that wet sheets smell worse the longer you leave them (I still wet the bed as a teen and would often hide them out of embarrassment) so left all day the smell you were faced with on finding the sheets may not have been how they were this mornimg.

Also, everyone’s sense of smell is different and if your husband drinks a lot then his sense of smell may not be dulled.

Maybe just speak to your DP and remind him to check the sheets if your DC regularly have accidents, and maybe also remind your DC to tell Daddy if the bed needs changing.

Original poster
Frustratedboarder · 22/08/2018 21:10

Oh okay how about Neglectful then?! Grin I already said I concede it isn't full blown neglect in the social services intervention meaning of the word but combined with the lack of supervision, lack of interest and usual presence of booze I don't think I ABU!
Maybe chat wouldve been a better topic to post in?! Wink

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 22/08/2018 21:13

You just need to talk to him and find out what happened without starting off with all guns blazing. Was he running late? Did he notice or not? If not, what happened to mean that he didn't notice it? Etc etc. Then you can be in a position to decide if he was being lazy/inattentive.

backstreetboysareback · 22/08/2018 21:14

It's probably not neglect at 3. Kids can get up by themselves at that age. Ours come straight into us in the morning and sometimes have got naked in the night.
I've done the same and not noticed they have wet the bed until the next night and then been peeved I've had to have the mattress protectors off ect but if there's bedding on it and you're not in there rooms first thing in the morning what can you do? Unless they say to you "I've wet the bed" in which case you know to change it. If it's happening regularly fair enough. There would be a smell but he may not have noticed.

Metoodear · 22/08/2018 21:15

And this is why when the middle class pearl cluchers come on a say they saw a child being neglected I usually don’t believe a barr of it

youarenot · 22/08/2018 21:17

Personally I think if you suspect him of neglect (not in response to the bed incident) but in general.. especially not waking up with young children (??!!) then I do not think for one moment you should be leaving them with him.

I'd be considering whether I wanted to be with him nevermind whether I wanted to leave my young children with him. Again, not based on just the bed incident.

Cachailleacha · 22/08/2018 21:20

It would be neglectful to the child if he put the child to bed the next night without changing it, or back in the same pyjamas. Or if he realised and didn't put the child in the bath or shower. Actual neglect would be longer term.