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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if it is normal to have intense nostalgia, yearning for youth once you hit 40ish?

119 replies

lemon8de · 22/08/2018 19:36

This is going to sound really sad but over the last few years I have suddenly started thinking a lot more about the past, about people I have not seen in 20+ years and having this intense sort of nostalgia. I am over 40. I thought it was just me but several of my friends have also said that they have this too and that they have suddenly had the urge to contact people they haven't seen in years or start listening to music they haven't played in years. Is this common?

OP posts:
ForalltheSaints · 22/08/2018 20:52

Not something I have experienced, though there are a few people I wish I had kept in contact with, or at least know how things have turned out for them.

alleypalley · 22/08/2018 20:57

I am early 40s and haven't had this at all. In fact I'm enjoying life right now as much as I ever did.

Other than being skint because I have 2 small leeches, so I don't have the holidays abroad that I used to, I still go out, get together with friends etc.

I do wish though that I was as slim as I was when I first thought I was fat and didn't start on a life of dieting and hating how I look.

MissusGeneHunt · 22/08/2018 21:09

OP I get it totally. I'm 47, but sometimes inside I feel 17. Then I wonder why I did the things I did in my 20s, and yearn to have that time again. All of a sudden I then realise I wouldn't have DS if I changed stuff, so go on a wild fantasy about how I could still have DS but change the preceding years.

But whatever my feelings about some traumatic times, I want my youth back. God that sounds dramatic, I try desperately to live in the here and now, but certainly want a simpler, less technological, more grounded life!

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 22/08/2018 21:15

For some reason I think that if only I wish hard enough I'll be able to go back and re-live my life again but without all the mistakes. Logically I know that's impossible but I still keep feeling this way. I think I have trouble accepting that life is what happens when we're busy making other plans and that I need to focus on the future instead of bimbling around in a fog of regrets.

catstring · 22/08/2018 21:15

I'm about to turn 40 so I get this a bit. Kids growing up, not sure what big life events there are to look forward to etc
I sometimes wonder how I'm viewed too. Do I just look/seem like a mature lady or am I viewed as sexy/attractive anymore. Am I just my kids' mum?

newmobile · 22/08/2018 21:19

I get this as well visiting my old city today and remembering the shops I used to go to remembering going into tammy girl to get my first bra and of of course the shop is no longer there. Feels really weird but just keep thinking back the kids are watching a cartoon now as I type and new kids on the block song hanging tough is on! More reminiscing.....

SerenDippitty · 22/08/2018 21:20

OP I get this too. I’m in my 50s and sometimes feel intensely nostalgic for my early married life. And for when my and DH’s parents were alive and fit enough to have fun with. They are all gone now.

Hiraeth sums it up perfectly.

catstring · 22/08/2018 21:27

Being young wasn't all great though.

Lovetocycle · 22/08/2018 21:31

I've been getting this too. Songs on radio that sort of thing. Today I bumped into an old work colleague I last saw 15 years ago. While we were catching up I kept thinking 'this could be the last time I ever see you again, ever as we are both getting older (40's/50's)' . Made be nostalgic for when I just felt I'd live for ever. Made me give her a massive hug and really concentrate on catching up rather than hurry off though.

Mummyschnauzer · 22/08/2018 21:33

I get this, I’ve recently become emotional thinking about my grandad who died about 30 years ago. Really missing him. A couple of years ago became a bit obsessed with programmes from my youth inc all creatures great and small. It all seemed to start when I got really poorly. It’s like Someone else said most of those big life events are done now. There’s a sense of where to from here. It’s all pretty much mapped out before. School uni job travel marriage kids. Often life hasn’t quite worked out as you’d like. There’s a sense of wish I could have another go and do it right next time

qumquat · 22/08/2018 21:34

I feel completely the opposite! I was deeply unhappy in my teens and twenties so don't have any nostalgia for it. 30s have been pretty dire too but I feel I'm just starting to get to grips with life at 40. I do feel sad that I wasn't happy when I apparently 'should' have been. I think nostalgia is a sign you experienced some really happy times and as such it should be treasured.

MadeForThis · 22/08/2018 22:01

I still can't get over the fact that I have adult memories of things I did 20 years ago. Do we always think of ourselves as being 18-22? Obviously I know I'm not but if someone says 1970 I think, oh 30 years ago. But it's not. Not any more.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 22/08/2018 22:10

I think it's normal. Youve passed the lid point in your life and are now on the downward slope towards old age.
I reminisce a lot. I find it strange, sometimes comforting but often upsetting as family have passed on, people have moved and so on.
Also, in our lifetimes most of us have seen bigger changes and technological advances than at any point in history, so looking back is in part wonder at how things used to be.
Only today I was thinking how much fun it was to go 'into town'. To the big McDonalds, Body Shop, WHSmith, the excitement of the record store/section of Woolies. The more independent shops which were cool hangouts when we were 16/17. The green phone boxes and phonecards. My town now has been knocked about, built on, shops I don't recognise coming and going every five minutes, and it's soulless. I wonder about people I used to hang out with and where they moved to, what they are doing (in passing, I wouldn't look up everyone on FB). And my dad who would take us every other Saturday, often when he clearly couldn't be arsed. Jesus here I go again.

SteviaStephanie · 22/08/2018 22:15

You are so accurate it’s painful! I love my life, but sometimes I miss the old me and being young and single with all my friends also being young and single and up for anything so much that it hurts 😭😭😭

However I do think we also romanticise/rose tint the past too. It was great at the time, but it wasn’t perfect!

SeaGlassHunter · 22/08/2018 22:20

I'm 40 and am going back to university next month...

I went through a phase a bit like this, but then gave myself a bit of a shake and reminded myself that I've still (hopefully) got a lot of living to do. My DC are growing up, but that means more time for me to do my stuff again.

misspops · 22/08/2018 22:22

I get this a lot . I’m mid 30’s. So much nostalgia. I miss my youth. I end up watching programmes on YouTube from my teens and early twenties , listening to britpop, early 00’s indie bands from uni days. Makes me feel warm inside and kinda sad at the same time. I miss visiting my grandad’s house , doing simple things, going on cheap nights out with friends so carefree. I’d love to go back in time !

MammaSchwifty · 22/08/2018 22:23

I've become much more fixated on my place in time since having my baby daughter. When I look at her, I see all of her energy, playfulness, inquisitiveness, honesty, innocence, and enthusiasm as she delights in discovering both herself and the world upon which she landed less than a year ago. And it makes me wonder, What happens to us?? When do we start to go wrong?

N0bodysM0t · 22/08/2018 22:26

I'm grieving my youth now, at 48. But it's managed. I'm grieving it but it's not depressing me because I'm exploring so many new ideas all the time.

My life was not better when I was younger. It was full of insecurity and anxiety and self-doubt. I am happier now, braver, more confident, more open to new ideas definitely, so it's not that I want MY youth back. It's that I wasted it being such a basket case, that's what I'm a bit sad about.

VladmirsPoutine · 22/08/2018 22:27

I think a lot of this stems for perhaps having not reached the full potential you might have been capable of. I know as a 20-something I felt invisible - in my 30s realities about the world had definitely set in. At that usually by 40s you've pretty much experienced some very hard and excruciating times and have capacity to reflect and see how awful they were. Almost a bit like a life audit. The key is to give your self time to reflect on these things but try to shake yourself out of it becoming your permanent state.

N0bodysM0t · 22/08/2018 22:30

@qumquat, yes, treasure the times you were happy whatever age you were at the time. I plan to make that the decades ahead as my forties was the decade I conquered self doubt and anxiety.

I really take my hat off to young people who are grounded and secure enough to enjoy their youth.

HotTeaCup · 22/08/2018 22:51

I'm in my 30's and get this. It's natural. It feels like rose tinted glasses sometimes.

Porthcurnoqueen · 22/08/2018 23:20

I've now got Barbara Streisand The Way We Were stuck in my head.

rainbowsandsmiles · 22/08/2018 23:27

I know where you're coming from, OP. Had it through my late 30s, everything nostalgia. From the music of the 80's/early 90s, the feeling of being young passing you by.....
I think it's a kind of transition period - finding out who you are and finding the "new" you! Just passed 40 and just started being comfortable with the fact I'm getting older. Grin

rainbowsandsmiles · 22/08/2018 23:30

My DC are growing up, but that means more time for me to do my stuff again

Relate to this,kind of lost myself over my 30s if that makes sense (don't get me wrong, love being a mum) but you kind of lose sense of being you. Especially if stayed at home in my case.
They're both going to be at high school come September though so time to re-find me again......

OneWildNightWithJBJ · 22/08/2018 23:41

I feel like this all the time! Am early forties and constantly think back to the '90s mainly. I think it's the teen years and when you became an adult. Time goes so fast, I just have trouble understanding how that time was 20+ years ago.

Also, as said above, it's wondering what next there is to do, but I'm making sure I always have projects on the go. Finished my Master's last year, we're looking to move house. And looking forward to travelling again now our kids are getting older.

I've got lots left to enjoy in life, but will do it while listening to some '80s and '90s music!