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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

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27 replies

Hidesincupboard22 · 22/08/2018 16:07

NC
We are having 2 lots of dhs family visiting from overseas. Not at the same time but consecutively.
They won't stay with us the whole time but will come and stay with us twice over the two weeks for about 2 days.
I am disabled and not able to look after them like I used to. Like cooking, making up beds, cleaning the house etc. This is something I liked doing when I was well. My dh and DS are run ragged so they say trying to keep everything together re work and the house so things won't get done that I'd like done to make our guests comfortable. I've dropped my standards massively since becoming ill.
One of our visitors is great. We get on really well and they pitch in. They also understand my disability and the massive fatigue that comes with it. They are always telling me to sit down etc and checking that they're not tiring me. I get tired just by people being there.
The other visitors are lovely people but a bit of a nightmare. Lots of faffing about and an inability to make decisions. Getting a bowl of cereal becomes a massive operation that takes over the kitchen and means no one else can get in to make a cuppa or get their own breakfast. They stop what they're doing to ask unimportant questions and it just takes them forever to get anything done.
My mobility is a bit crap so I either use a walker or hold on to furniture to get around and they keep getting in my way or stopping me to ask me stuff. I have to ask them to move all the time so I can get to my chair.

Then there's the conversations. Long drawn out intricate descriptions of something very minor. I used to be able to feign interest but I think I may end up being rude and yawning.
I'm also currently sleeping in the spare room so I can get a proper nights sleep away from dh snoring. I'll need to move back in with dh when they arrive. If I want to move back to the spare room in between visits it'll involve too many bed changes.
No one has the money to stay in a nearby B and B for more than one night. They'll do that when we have a get together with elderly family (who will stay with us.) Elderly family live too far away to make the round trip in one day. They are both in their late 80's and hard work
When I was well and they visited I could escape for a bit but that's not possible at present. I'm getting really stressed out about it but don't want to say they can't come. I mean I want to see them all......but just not for that long!
WIBU to retreat to my room with iPad and a cuppa vodka when they get too much for me?

OP posts:
bringincrazyback · 22/08/2018 16:10

Well, I'd do the same, if that's any help. All that is a lot to deal with on top of a fatigue-inducing disability, I have one too and I frequently feel this way about having guests to stay.

Singlenotsingle · 22/08/2018 16:11

No of course you wouldn't be U. I do that myself when I've had enough of visitors (and I'm not disabled).. And they can get their own breakfast! Grin

Everyoneiswingingit · 22/08/2018 16:15

Absolutely not unreasonable. I think your DH perhaps needs to back you up here and make it clear how this tires you. Could you perhaps now or in future suggest guests can stay with you but need to make own arrangements to eat out etc?

Original poster
Hidesincupboard22 · 22/08/2018 16:15

I just don't want to appear rude or have them all concerned that I'm "not well" and make them feel bad about visiting us.

OP posts:
Everyoneiswingingit · 22/08/2018 16:17

PS If guests can't appreciate your situation then it might be best that they find alternative accommodation.

Everyoneiswingingit · 22/08/2018 16:19

But maybe they need to catch on. Could they stay somewhere cheaply and visit you for a meal in your home in future? There are some great hostels these days hat have private ensuite rooms if a travelogue is too expensive. Your needs come first in this situation.

Everyoneiswingingit · 22/08/2018 16:19

Travelodge

TittyGolightly · 22/08/2018 16:20

They’re your DH’s family. Let him do the bloody work!

Cheeseplantandpickle · 22/08/2018 16:20

Do they not understand your condition? Sorry if that’s the wrong word.

Original poster
Hidesincupboard22 · 22/08/2018 16:27

They've already had a great expense on flights to paying for accommodation isn't really possible.

DH and DS will have to do pretty much everything but that involves having to ask me how to do it all! It's exhausting.

One visitor gets my condition but the rest don't. I've explained it to them plenty of times but they just don't get it.

OP posts:
mumsastudent · 22/08/2018 16:45

get them a tent &let them sleep in the garden (with a porta potty :))

Original poster
Hidesincupboard22 · 22/08/2018 17:35

@mumsastudent
Tent in the garden sounds like a great idea......for me! Might have to modify things a bit for me but a night sleeping outdoors sounds quite nice. Or I could get dh to sleep out. I'm sure he wouldn't mind Hmm

OP posts:
Everyoneiswingingit · 23/08/2018 16:24

This might sound harsh, but if I couldn't afford to pay for my travel and accommodation, I wouldn't expect to stay with family even if they were fit.

Happyhippy45 · 26/08/2018 19:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tillytrotter1 · 27/08/2018 10:36

Can you stretch to the cost of a Travelodge for yourself? I detest some of our visitors as visitors even though I like them as people.

Pippylou · 27/08/2018 10:42

Yeah, but you aren't well.

Tell them you can't do stuff like you used to and then let them sort it out. Let your DH and DS take the mental load too, even if they can't do stuff, they can muddle through. It may not be to your standard but those days have sailed now.

I just plain left last time visitors came....can't cope with people in my house. I'd be checking out nearby AirBnB as complete houses can be very economical, depending on where you live, of course.

ProfessorMoody · 27/08/2018 10:50

I wouldn't have them there at all tbh. I'm disabled and have had to lower standards plus I'm not a maid. The only guests we have to stay now are ones I know are able to understand my condition and that DH can look after.

Anxious2niteaaah · 27/08/2018 10:54

Op that sounds like a nightmare for you,

Can you not suggest (when they suggest visiting in future) that they should stay in a b&b, even if it means they have to save a bit longer..you shouldn't have to be used as everyones free b&b if it's going to leave you feeling uncomfortable in your own home

Needahairbrush · 27/08/2018 10:59

It sounds very hard and exhausting for you.
Can cereal bowls, cups & cereal be laid out in a morning if it causes an intolerable level of faffing?
I’m quite impatient and that would drive me mad I’m afraid.

Hidesincupboards22 · 27/08/2018 13:17

@everyoneiswingingit
We have all hosted each other multiple times over the past 20+ years. We are quite a sociable hospitable bunch.
We've had a lot of good times sharing our homes and have had experiences we wouldn't have had if we'd all just stayed in separate hotels etc. It's just something that we do because it makes sense. It's just going to be harder now and I'm trying to find ways to make it happen without ending myself!

Hidesincupboards22 · 27/08/2018 13:25

@Pippylou
Dh and DS won't take the mental load. I've tried and tried over the past few years and their mental load regarding house stuff and entertaining is minimal. If I'm in the house I am expected to plan and instruct. If I don't it doesn't get done "because they didn't know what to do."
I've let them get on with it before and ultimately it just cause me stress. Guests arrive, nothing is ready dh and DS get in a panic, get grumpy, guests feel uncomfortable and I want to run away.
When I was well I happily did all the house stuff and organised entertaining. Dh and DS just did things I asked them to.

Hidesincupboards22 · 27/08/2018 13:28

I think I need to have a good long chat with dh and ds. They need to help me out with all of this but I think I need to spell it out for them.

Pippylou · 27/08/2018 13:31

Whose guests are they?

They are still used to you doing that as you struggle on. I wouldn't have the guests personally, the cost to you to too much. Tell them they step up or you will indeed leave, even if it is just for a few hours. Ask them what they would do if you weren't there? If they wouldn't have the guests, there you go.

Tough love, I know but you clearly aren't able to take this stuff on atm.

Anyway, I'm boughing out now as it's your battle to fight and random strangers on t'interweb don't know all the detail you do.

HeebieJeebies456 · 27/08/2018 16:19

I am expected to plan and instruct. If I don't it doesn't get done "because they didn't know what to do."

they have brain cells - they can learn!
you've enabled them for too long and they've become lazy - it needs to stop.
i would pin a housework chart on the wall and tell them to check it daily.

Guests arrive, nothing is ready dh and DS get in a panic, get grumpy, guests feel uncomfortable
So? They're his family....leave him to it and let it happen.
he will remember the experience for the next time.

Alpacanorange · 27/08/2018 18:29

Their discomfort is needed here, perhaps they won’t impose next time.
I can not believe people fly to another country without the funds to fully support themselves. Selfish dicks.