To ask what happens to your dcs if you die?

[dessy6]

Sorry for the morbid question but it's on my mind.

Here's my situation:

2 dcs, one has special needs aged 9 and 7.
Split with ex 5 years ago - he lives the other side of the country. He moved away when we split.
He sees them eow and school holidays - dcs travel to him.
He's NOT involved with dcs special needs. I have plenty of posts regarding this but under a different user name. His family are also not involved. They don't have a clue about anything.

I've re married and due a baby any day now.

My wishes in the event of my death is that the dcs stay here and not move to the other side of the country with their father and his family. This is mainly for ds sake.

I'd be happy for my ex to move here and raise the dcs. My main point is that my dcs do not move. I don't want ds in a new school, ex wouldn't have a clue about his appointments etc - he has no idea who is involved with him etc.

Both dcs are extremely close to my family. My mum especially. They will also have a new sibling that I want them to be close too if anything were to happen to me.

It literally brings me to tears at the thought of them losing me then being moved to the other side of the country away from everyone that they actually class as family. I can't bare to think about it. They would be so unhappy.

Now I plucked up the courage to ask my ex what he would do if I did pass away. He said he didn't know but would more than likely move the dcs up to him. Which I know he would - he's too selfish to consider what's best for the dcs.

So how do I go about putting my wishes in place? I've spoken to my mum and dad who are more than happy to be guardians for the dcs. As for my dh, I'm not sure what rights he has, if any?

I've been thinking about it for a while but really feel I need to have some sort of paper work in place to state my wishes. What do I need to do? I'm guessing there will be some expense involved....money is tight but it's so important to me that I'd do it.

Ex is on both birth certificates for dcs.

Thanks and sorry it's morbid x

Short answer is you can't. Your mum could apply to court for the kids to live with her. The court would decide on the basis of what was in the children's best interests.

Have you made a Will? You can put an Expression of Wishes with it detailing what you've written here. It's no guarantee but should be taken into account in case there was any dispute and it went to court.

Do you have a will? You can put a letter of wishes in with it but legally it doesn't have to be upheld. They are as much your ex's kids as they are yours.

No I don't have anything in place. I have something that I wrote down when we split but a lot has changed since then. Ds has a diagnosis and they have a new sibling etc etc also I want to update it.

I realise they are as much his as they are mine. That's easy to say but when one parent doesn't really give a f**k, it's pretty heart breaking to think about if I'm honest.

Add PPs have said you can express your wishes but ultimately they're his children too. More to the point why are you thinking about what would happen when you die, so much that it brings you to tears? Everyone needs to have a will and other plans in place by unless you are seriously ill most people don't consider it further than that, why is this something you keep thinking about? Has this pregnancy been a medically challenging one or has it affected your mental health/emotional well-being?

Don't do it via a will, they are read after death, but meanwhile your ex could come and claim residency.

The likely scenario is life support before death. The children will have to be cared for, meanwhile and that will be by your DH, because you are still living. The care your DH gives to them will go in his favour.

Make a living Will stating your wishes. Your DH is their Stepfather and after a time period will have rights in regards to your children.

The dager of naming your Mum is her age/health and the fact that you've cut your DH out.

I've seen many cases were if a NRP shows capable, the Grandparents won't be given priority, but a Stepfather might, with the backing of wider Family in the LA.

What if your Mum dies in the same car crash, or becomes disabled?

Get legal advice and have it in place.

However your Sons may be happy to go to their Dad in the event of a tragedy. Your ex will have to get involved with the Medical side, if it went to Court, so they will be taken care of. They will also get a say in where they live.

They will still get Sibling contact and contact with your DH.

Without dressing it up, your DH could move on to another Partner, who isn't great, towards children who aren't his, so it's really unfair to discount your ex, because you trust him to have the children.

""That's easy to say but when one parent doesn't really give a f**k, it's pretty heart breaking to think about if I'm honest.""

Would he go through the Court to get them full time, anyway, then?

I don’t want to be insensitive, but I don’t understand why you think it’s your decision where your ex would live if you died. You are both parents in this scenario. No court in the land is going to rule that a father has to relocate due to the wishes of his late ex-wife.

Just to add, the dcs would choose to live with grandma over their dad any day. Ds especially. He would live their now if given the choice!

But I also realise age isn't on their side either. My sister is younger than me. They are also extremely close to her and she is happy to be included also.

Regarding why I'm thinking this? Because I'm a responsible mother who is also realistic. Because my ex is selfish and only has his needs first. I need to have something in place at least saying my wishes just in case something were to happen to me. My emotional health is fine thank you very much. I'm just a mother that puts her children first above anything else, even in the event of my death. When you've been in my situation, there would be something wrong if I hadn't thought about this.

The ex is extremely lazy, I'm not sure if he could be bothered with the whole court thing in all honesty. My mum, dad and dh would fight all the way to keep the dcs in our home town. We've already talked about it. The ex more than likely couldn't be bothered and my feeling is he would back down.

He's always relived to hand them back over to every other Sunday evening. Deep down, he wouldn't be able to cope looking after them full time.

Sorry but on the birth certificate means that he gets them unless contested and it's ruled otherwise by the court.

Sorry to be blunt but you'll be dead. You don't really get a choice.

Ex would be unwilling to provide a home for dc ( or rather his new woman would) so ds will live with my eldest sis and spend holidays with his dad.
Dsis is trustee of my estate (sounds a lot grander than it is) so she would manage dc’s financial needs.
Where ds would live is not legally binding but I know my ex well enough to know he’ll just take the path of least resistance which involves him not having to do anything.

For a start, we were never married.

Secondly, he wouldn't move. It's not about him moving. It's about my dcs NOT moving. All I've stated is I'd be happy for the dcs to live with him if he relocated here. He would never do that in a million years.

My ds has special needs as mentioned. His father is not interested in any of it. I've tried to involve him. It's pointless. The same with other members of his family.

Ds has a psychologist, 1:1 in school., speech therapy, a paediatrician, an occupational therapist, an autism support worker, a respite worker.....and more. His father has no interest in any of this. Yes he a biological parent. But that doesn't mean he is a parent. He's not there for the stuff that matters. Ds gets no support of him and neither do I.

Now if something happens to me, the ex would have no idea what he was doing. Ds would suffer massively. To me, that's heartbreaking. Unless anyone on here is a single parent of a child with special needs....you really wouldn't understand tbh

Bloody hell, I realise I'll be dead. Honestly you try do what's best for your kids and you still get slated.

""Ds especially. He would live their now if given the choice! ""

Why?

Could your Mum have both of them full time? It's a big gamble to suggest your Mum over your DH, but if they would say that they want to live with her, then their wishes will be taken in account, in a few years they get to choose.

""No court in the land is going to rule that a father has to relocate due to the wishes of his late ex-wife.""

They don't, but the transition can take longer if good ties are there and suitable Carers. Also contact arrangements must be in place before the children leave.

That's a lot for a Father to sort, if he doesn't give a shit.

The only way your DH would get to keep them is if he formally adopted them. This would mean your ex relinquishing parental rights.
I think you're prudent to think about this now, but you definitely need legal advice. Get something put in place for if you're living but unable to care for them (life support etc) and get a will after death drawn up. Make sure you express your wishes and state why.
I would also put an exclusion clause in your will in case ex-h tries to claim any of your estate. It doesn't cost a lot extra. I put an exclusion clause in my will in case my dad tries to claim. My estate is for my DC and my DC only!

Queenofthestress, that’s assuming he wants them.

He may be glad to hand them to someone to look after for 90% of the time. This is the eventuality I have to plan for.

""My ds has special needs as mentioned. His father is not interested in any of it.""

He would have to show to the Court that he is, if that eases that worry somewhat.

If the appointments stop, then your Mum could flag it up as a CP issue, so they won't just be abandoned. Contact has to be given, as well as Sibling Contact.

Just to relieve some of your fears.

A family friend tragically passed away having split from her husband. Her Dad came and took the kids in but then social services had already been involved with respect to her DH (youngest 2 kids Dad). Eldest kids Dad had minimal involvement with kid.

Her ex-DH took grandad to court to get the kids but courts ruled it was in their favor to stay with grandad with similar visitation with their Dad as before.

It is possible for your new DH to take your ex to court to claim the kids are better off with him. It will cost ££ and he'll need to prove he is the best place for them. You can't influence things as you'll be dead.

OP make a living Will, as well as a death Will and make full statements on them explaining your reasons.

That's easy to say but when one parent doesn't really give a f**k,

In this circumstance - would he want them?

Could you have a conversation or series of conversations about how it would be if they live with him full time and maybe suggest that it might suit him better if they are with their grandparents and he keeps arrangements as they are?

Btw I think you're being very sensible in considering the practicalities of Life After You. Luckily it's almost certainly unnecessary but it can happen that a parent dies and then life for the children can get difficult.

My mum and dad and dh fully back me in this as already mentioned. My mum is more than willing to have the dcs living with her full time - she knows full well what my ex is like and also couldn't think of anything worse than the dcs being moved to the other side of the country. She knows the impact it would have on ds. She is involved in his care and what his needs are and who's involved etc etc.

All I'm asking for is practical advice. I will get both a living will as well as a death will drawn up. Thanks for the helpful replies

@SeaEagleFeather he claims he would want them. But he's all talk. That's the thing with him. Actions speak louder than words and his words never match his actions. I won't go into the ins and outs as it will open a can of worms but he does not have their best interests at heart. He doesn't even see them for 2 months straight at the end of the year as he chooses to work over seeing his children. I have evidence showing this which I will print out also.

We have had a conversation about it very recently and all he said was he would more than likely have the dcs living with him up there. It would be up to my dh and my family to visit the dcs and make arrangements to see them and that as far as their new sibling goes....that's nothing to do with him. He's a lovely guy

I asked him where he would begin on sorting ds out and all his care and education etc etc. His reply was 'I'd cross that bridge when it came to it'.
Meaning he didn't have a clue.

You might find that he has them for two weeks then passes them back over, happened to a friend of mine, her ex-dp had them for two weeks then gave them back, it was devastating for the kids

It is something you need to think about though. All parents should think about it.
I know exactly what will happen to my two if I die, including what will happen if me and dp get married and I die.

I don't think there's any way you can prevent a father who is named on the birth certificate getting residency after your death. And he can move wherever he likes with them, including abroad.

The only way to counter this would be for your parents or other relatives to go to court. And they would have to prove in court that the father is not capable of looking after them.

This happened with a friend. It took months and thousands for the grandparents to get residency despite friend making a will with them as named guardians. And this was only achieved because the father has well documented mental health issues which make him unsuitable to care for a child properly. In the absence of these he would certainly have been granted residency

Well I have some brief experience of this, a few years ago I was given a diagnosis that's will mean death before DD is 17. I have remarried and have been for 8 years so I get how you feel. EX lives about 3 hours away and bearly remembers she alive, he used to see her eow but that dwindled after he had more children and his hate for me means he now can't bear so see her because I'm involved. Anyway, after my news this was my first fear. I didn't tell him at all about my diagnosis but he found out ultimately and I asked what he would want, he initially said he would take her and move her in with him. We spoke to a solicitor about it all and we made wills. I have asked that due to his behaviour I wanted to sister to have full custody of DD as apparently a blood relative is better than leaving them to my now DH. I have had to write a letter explaining my intentions and reasons why. The solicitor did state that the older the child get the more they take their decisions on board and from 13 onwards it would mainly go on what she wants as she hates her dad and does not want to be taken up there to him. The family does look at circumstances to some degree and decides what's best for the child.
I completely get how you feel, I've had a horrible horrible feeling in my stomach worrying about this for far to long. DD had just turned 14 so I'm somewhat reassured now anyway. I'm sure and hope that it will never be a issue you need to deal with. I can think of nothing worse than a child losing a mother and then being ripped away from all they know.