To apologise?

[DilbyGlipob]

DP never apologises. Whenever we have an argument I am always the one to offer an olive branch. It seems like he can sulk for days and days and he'll never cave in and make it right, it's always me who has to start the conversation.

He's not talking to me again (it happens 3-4 times a year I would say, so not a constant thing). Wibu to hold out until he comes to me this time? To be honest, I feel more angry than sad at the moment - usually I'm so upset I just need to fix it, and I really can't be bothered with silly games. I'm starting to feel incredibly taken for granted though. This is our second argument in quite a short space of time, and I feel like he's just assuming that everything will be fine and I'll come grovelling.

It feels like playing stupid games though and I hate it, I just want everything to be back to normal.

What should I do?

It must be a horrible atmosphere, it's quite a bully tactic to ignore someone and sulk then ignore them, most arguments are two sided. He sounds quite spoilt and a bit childish. Can you go out and just leave him to wallow.

I can do, but it'll be the same when I get back. He really can go for days.

I'm not sure what would even be achieved if I let it go on, apart from letting him know that I'm not always going to roll over.

I'm not sure it's his intention to be bullying, I almost think he feels that it absolves him of bad behaviour in some way if I'm the one to make it up. Or maybe it really is a power thing. I don't know. He's my best friend and I'd normally run stuff like this past him. That's why it hurts so much I think.

My ex used to do this to me. It's the worst kind of torture. I couldn't do back to the constant worry of doing sth super minor and being ignored for days. It's not on

Sulking is really fucking childish. So he sulks until you apologise. Leave him to it, permanently.

Watch a bellyload of jo frost. Her tips for kids work on adults too. Ignore it completely. Do not even acknowledge his ridiculous behaviour. He is challenging for control so don't feed it.

Don’t apologise.

He sounds fucking awful. Sorry you’re partnered up with such a childish, spiteful twat. Your choice, of course.

Tell him you'll speak to him when he grows up.

It really is shit isn't it? That's why I always just say whatever I need to to fix it, because I hate it so much. I'll probably end up doing that this time too. It makes me feel pathetic though, it's like telling him it's fine to treat me however he likes.

It really depends on the argument. Is it something small like nobody taking the bin out because they thought the other one was doing it or something big like lying about gambling/cheating?

Either way I’d try and discuss the issue (without apologising) and see where that goes but if he’s really hell bent on sulking I’d seriously think where the relationship is going if this is a long term aspect of his character.

My husband and I had a bust up at the weekend where he couldn’t understand why I was so pissed off about something and then I explained, he argued that he’d “helped” and sulked but soon realised my point of view and we’re all fine now because that’s what normal adults do.

Use that anger and tell him to grow up. It is a very childish tactic.

I feel for you. I think my and dh have an argument brewing. We are the same, maybe one argument every 3-4 months which actually I think does us good sometimes. Our argument isn't over anything in particular, we are both just moody and fed up.

However I'll hold my hand up and say I do go quiet after an argument and he is the one to sort it out. BUT I don't go quiet because I'm being childish. That's not my way at all.

I'm quiet because I'm processing what's been said in the argument. I'm a massive over thinker and I'm literally thinking about every word that came out of his mouth during the argument and what it means etc etc. I hate the atmosphere after an argument but I also can't function without 'me time' afterwards to sort my head out.

Tbh it's something quite small that escalated because I feel a little bit taken for granted in general. I have real difficulty with expressing my feelings because I cry. Awful, ugly uncontrollable tears as soon as I start talking about something that upsets me. As a result I tend to bottle things up and stew a bit instead of just coming out and saying so when something pisses me off. I've let a few too many things go and let it get out of hand I think.

I’ll admit I find it really hard to make the first move when arguing with DH, even when I know I’m in the wrong I just seem to have a block at how to take that step forward (various issues at work in the background).
DH gets that and will make the first move without “grovelling”, things along the lines of “I don’t want to argue any more/I want us to make up but I’m not the only one at fault etc”.
I’m not saying it makes what your DH does ok but I can see it from the other side. We’ve also had a few conversations about it when we’re not arguing so he understands why I find it so hard.

It makes me feel pathetic though, it's like telling him it's fine to treat me however he likes.

It really is, @DilbyGlipob so you can carry on or actually change things and tell him you’re sick of apologising just so he’ll stop trying to control you via his silence. Do you want to carry on like this forever?

jamiefrasers is right. Ignore the twat. Go out if you can come home, go to bed, just take him off radar til he speaks. Might take a while but you can't let him treat you like that.

That's interesting @jelly. DP is a big over thinker too, maybe that's what's happening. I feel like if I ignore it though, we'll never end up talking about it at all - we'll just slip back to normality.

I started to write an email as a way of getting it all out without the stupid crying, but it ended up reading like a character assassination.

My dh used your do this to me when an argument didn't go his way or I'd pointed something out that I wasn't happy about etc etc.
It would always be me that tried to talk to him and end up apologising just to stop the atmosphere.

I got so pissed off with it one day that once he's started to sulk I calmly told him that while he was going to ignore me and sulk and create an atmosphere with his childish behaviour I would be totally ignoring it and getting in with whatever my plans were.
On this particular occasion we had an evening out with mutual friends and I went alone after not even asking him if he was still planning on coming.

When I got back he asked if I went to meet friends and I said yes. He asked if I told them why he wasn't there and I said yes and that I'd told them he was ignoring me and sulking after a minor disagreement so I'd gone alone.
I reminded him it takes two people in a marriage and that I would no longer be trying to force conversation or an atmosphere on him and that when he's decided he can apologise for being so childish maybe we could talk about what caused the argument in the first place but until then he could kiss my ass.

About an hour later he apologised and we talked calmly and sorted it out,like married adults should do.

He knows now that I won't tolerate it so maybe you really need to stick to it and carry on as normal. As hard as it is I wouldn't be approaching him. Let him work it out for himself

I just thought I'd mention it as I'm sure people would think I was childish and it was bullying behaviour but for me that's not the case. I just need some time to get my head around what's been said until I'm ready to talk it through and move on from it. I'm not 'sulking'. I'm actually going through my mind with worry and stress after an argument, I don't stop thinking about it. I'm not waiting for dh to apologise either. I'm just going through the motions I suppose

I don't want to sound sexist but men do not like apologising. They will say they have nothing to apologise for! If they do they say things like, "I hold my hand up if I have done something wrong", but never specific.

My husband is lovely but has had that sort of attitude in the past and it's something we've rowed about.

Many women really get mad about such attitudes. I don't know what it is that causes it.

My ex was a sulker, very relieved to not have to deal with that shit any more.

Do you have DC? Because honestly, with that AND the being taken for granted in your shoes I'd be reconsidering the relationship and DEFINITELY not be planning on DC until he grows the fuck up and starts behaving better.

I very much get the feeling you're minimising and constantly making excuses for and apologising for him to others too? Ie he's a moody git who sulks when he doesn't get his own way.

I don't know what it is that causes it.

Wild guess - male privilege/entitlement

I think the email is a good idea.

But I wouldn't concentrate on the argument. I'd say you want to communicate better and ask for ideas, start with 'when this happens, it makes me feel like...' and point out that he has never apologised (he can't have been right all those years) and you feel like the one who makes the effort to make up which if you keep doing will build resentment, and you'd like to find a way to resolve arguments better. Then see if you can try something different next argument like you both have to sum up the others point of view or something (sure there is loads on line).

Don't know if that will be of any use but probably what I'd do! It's difficult to talk properly to someone in a sulk.

My husband apologises then blames me again like 'I'm sorry, but you....' drives me mad more so than what we were arguing about in the first place! Not a genuine apology

@graphista No, I don't think I do. For the most part we have a lovely relationship, we have a lot of fun together and we're very much on the same wavelength. It's just the sulking thing, it overshadows everything at times.

When I say I feel taken for granted, I mean in the sense that he assumes I will get over whatever has upset me and make it right without him having to make the peace. In general he is very appreciative of everything I do for him and we have a pretty fair distribution of labour.

I need a way to make him understand how it makes me feel when he's sulking, and how much damage it does to an otherwise good thing.

You are putting up with a lot of arguments and bad atmospheres. I’d hate that. Are you sure you want to put up with that for the rg of your life? Have you considered leaving him. I don’t have a ‘perfect’ relationship and we have our moments but 3 or 4 nasty arguments would be way too much for me.

I've thought about it @notthewayiseeit, at times I've felt like walking away. I think what we have is worth fixing though. I also think that if I could find a way of getting through to him we'd have fewer arguments in the first place. A lot of the time we don't even have a proper argument, just a few sharp words and a big sulk.aybe what we need is a big blow up. I tend to avoid conflict though, so I end up not saying anything and just building up resentment.