To apologise?

[DilbyGlipob]

DP never apologises. Whenever we have an argument I am always the one to offer an olive branch. It seems like he can sulk for days and days and he'll never cave in and make it right, it's always me who has to start the conversation.

He's not talking to me again (it happens 3-4 times a year I would say, so not a constant thing). Wibu to hold out until he comes to me this time? To be honest, I feel more angry than sad at the moment - usually I'm so upset I just need to fix it, and I really can't be bothered with silly games. I'm starting to feel incredibly taken for granted though. This is our second argument in quite a short space of time, and I feel like he's just assuming that everything will be fine and I'll come grovelling.

It feels like playing stupid games though and I hate it, I just want everything to be back to normal.

What should I do?

So basically how you communicate with each other isn’t effective at all. You bottle things up and then cry and he sulks.

Hmm, that's about the size of it. We're a bit shit aren't we?

My mum used to do this with my dad. It was heartbreaking to see my mum sucking up to my dad when it was him who started these arguements in the first place.

I know she was doing it for an easier life/better atmosphere for us kids, but it has always stayed with me from my teenage years and I'm 41 now.

It IS a manipulative tactic and I would say it was bullying.

If I was you, I'd go and stay elsewhere and tell him to give you a ring when he is prepared to act like an adult.

As a sweeping generalisation: men don’t like apologising. They’re absolute arse holes about it. Stick to your guns and right him an email calmly stating why you’re upset and why you feel hurt and that you’d appreciate acknowledgement. Don’t let it continue. If it does, have an affair with a sexy younger man

*write him an email not right him an email 🙄

I cannot abide a silver, drives me insane! Ignore his childish behaviour OP

*Sulker

Wow! You could be describing my own house sometimes! We have been known to stubbornly give each other the silent treatment for a full fortnight. I give it him because he hasn’t apologised, he gives it me because I’m giving it him

Things started to change probably a year ago when - shock - he apologised! I said straight away that hearing it meant a lot to me, as he never usually apologises. I also made a full on attempt a couple of times to not just smooth it over but say a) what was wrong and b) what needed to change

I’m a sob-er too. To do this I had to write down bullet points - and tick them as I said them - and provide food so there was a distraction between us

Doing that seems to have given him some “tools” that he can use if we get stuck into it. He will just say “stop. Can we start again please?”

He may just be maturing emotionally (at 46...) but I think telling/showing him how to stop the funk has really helped his ability to communicate a bit better.

Mine is exactly the same, I just don't speak to him, he starts creeping after a couple of days, I quite enjoy the peace, I can go weeks, months and even years without talking......

Ok, so sulking is undeniably nobbish behaviour and needs to stop, but I need to communicate this and get things off my chest to make it stop. I like the idea of an email, but I worry about putting it all out there at once and having no ability to rein it in if it's not coming across well. Bullet points and food is a very good idea, to keep me on track and distract from all the stupid crying. Sexy younger man on standby.

I feel better for having down sensible input. I hate talking to anyone about this irl, because it makes him sound like an arsehole and he isn't. I end up feeling a bit isolated though and find it difficult to think sensibly. Thank you all.

• some not down

Have you examined why you have enabled and allowed your husband to become so powerful?

He knows that he can keep up the punishment. He can only know that because you've always capitulated.

But maybe he doesn't know you as well as he thinks he does. He doesn't know about the resentment you feel. He doesn't know that you think he's a big Baby - not a powerful Alpha Male at all.

The only way to change his behaviour is to change your behaviour too. Think about different ways to cope with the silent treatment.

Personally, I would play him at his own game for as long as it takes. I would reach for a dummy and a comfort blanket after an argument and hand them to him. I would laugh, smile and get on with life, knowing that I was doing these things for the sake of my sanity and self-respect.

You can do this.

He may have some nice points, but he is certainly an arsehole. Sulking and stonewalling is a toxic form of controlling and it turns others into sobbing, shaky messes who feel insecure and unsafe and desperate for emotional safety again.

I'm pretty sure dh has changed abit in the last few years because I don't really remember him getting that stroppy and ignorant like he can be at times now.

I found the best thing to do was tell him to grow up and completely ignore the silent treatment by just getting on with whatever I was doing. A couple of times it happened on a weekend and I'd get up and take the dc out on my own and he'd text me asking where I was so I'd tell him if he's going to ignore me and behave like a child he can do it on his own.
He doesn't do it now and is better at actually communicating rather than ignoring.

I do remember a particular time when it wasn't very good and I calmly told him after three days of him ignoring me that if he carried on I would be seriously considering separation and that it doesn't matter how good the good times are when someone who's meant to love you can deliberately try to be so awful to want to cause an atmosphere and upset over something relatively small that out weighs the good for me.

Told him if it happened again it would be a deal breaker for me