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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Cash for wedding gift - how much to give?

48 replies

queenworkerbee · 21/08/2018 19:59

Off to a wedding next month (used to be a very close friend, I had initially asked her to be my BM for mine in a couple of years time however we haven't really spoke much in the last year)
She knows DP has been promoted however that job hasn't started yet so salary only kicks in in a couple of months.
We are SKINT this month and next. I've just been made redundant and we have a lot of debt to pay off, so although in theory DP earns a good wage, it's all allocated to paying off the enormous debt (and a lot of peoples weddings to go to plus paying for ours)
Anyway this friend has asked for cash towards a dream honeymoon that's costing them thousands... However they are expecting the wedding guests to pay for it because
I don't know what to do. We can't afford to give a great amount (even 50 too much) - they have spent a fortune on the wedding so I'm worried about the whole 'gift what your plate cost' thing that seems to be the given in our circle.
What would you mumsnetters do? I hate giving cash at weddings for this exact reason (but at least they didn't write a poem...)

OP posts:

Original poster

queenworkerbee · 21/08/2018 20:00

Not because I don't know what to do... Meant to put so.

OP posts:

SoyDora · 21/08/2018 20:03

Give what you can afford. That’s the only option really!

Shoxfordian · 21/08/2018 20:04

Just give them 20 or a voucher for that amount
You don't have to pay for your meal

mumtav · 21/08/2018 20:05

It's a tough one and I also hate giving cash. I was a bridesmaid a few weeks ago and gave £50 (same situation they wanted money towards honeymoon). I know others have much more but that's what I could afford! Plus, another wedding a few years ago I put £40 in an envelope and during the speeches the best man opened all the cards and put the money to one side so the bride and groom never knew who gave what amount!! I was secretly fuming as I could have gotten away with a fiver haha!!

mindutopia · 21/08/2018 20:06

For a wedding we attend as a family, we usually do £50 (I happen to LOVE cash gifts because I absolutely hate shopping and it’s super easy). But if you can’t afford that, you can’t afford it. Give what you can afford.

EmmaC78 · 21/08/2018 20:08

I normally give £30 for weddings unless a very close friend. You can only give what you can afford though.

SendintheArdwolves · 21/08/2018 20:11

Give what you can afford. If that just means a card and no gift, then that's fine.

Realistically, what are your options? It would be ludicrous to add to your debt to give them a gift, or go without another necessary expense just to fund someone else's dream wedding.

Personally, I think wedding gifts are a bit pointless. It's not like you're the older generation, helping set up a young couple in their lives. I expect they already live together and don't need friends and family to set them up with some pans and a toaster. Apparently all they need is a great big holiday. But maybe I'm just a wedding grinch

AhNowTed · 21/08/2018 20:12

OP for an all day affair and a close friend, I wouldn't give less than £50.. honest answer.

Original poster

queenworkerbee · 21/08/2018 20:13

Mumtav I LOVE that idea.
We might ask our BM to do the same however we aren't asking for cash or presents or anything but possibly some people will give it anyway.

OP posts:

dinosaurkisses · 21/08/2018 20:15

Give what you can afford.

We went to a family wedding on DP’s side and there was a very intrusive conversation about how much we were paying for a present between my siblings-in-law. We’re irish and the “expectation” was at least €100 per couple.

I was upfront and said I was on Maternity pay and we’d have to look at it nearer the time, but it depended on what we could afford. One of my SIL tried to point out that we absolutely should stick to the family designated minimum spend, and I (uncharacteristically) lost it and said I wasn’t prioritising a cash gift for appearances sake over household bills.

We spent about €60 on a gift from the registry in the end, and I didn’t feel one ounce of guilt as it was all we could justify at the time.

Original poster

queenworkerbee · 21/08/2018 20:19

Thanks all.
The thing is, the month after that our incomings go up.
Whats best, £50 or £60 two weeks later to the honeymoon bank account (they aren't going for another year) or £20 on the day?
I don't want to look like a CF or tight but I've never actually been to a 'formal' wedding so am rubbish with etiquette - all my friends so far have had cheaper weddings without an all day affair.

OP posts:

NewYearNewMe18 · 21/08/2018 20:21

If you really are that strapped, I'd buy a nice photo frame (for the wedding picture)

Whisky2014 · 21/08/2018 20:21

For all day I give £50 usually. Would want to give £100 for close family and friends.

glintandglide · 21/08/2018 20:22

£50. You can’t give £20- as above buy a nice photo frame instead

dinosaurkisses · 21/08/2018 20:23

Are you crafty at all?

Different situation, but my sister was bm for a friend who kept piling on additional -stupid- expenses.

She worked out she had spent about £500 on the wedding so far, so came up with the idea to give a gift off the registry for £20 plus a cross-stitch sampler made with materials she already had.

That, or if you save the invite and stick it in a nice frame and give it back to her along with £20- someone did this for my wedding and it was very thoughtful.

Lauren83 · 21/08/2018 20:26

We put £100 in from us as a couple for a full day

covetingthepreciousthings · 21/08/2018 20:28

I don't agree with posters saying you can't give £20, honestly just give what you can afford, absolutely no point adding to your debt with a cash gift.

I can honestly say when I got married I appreciated reading the thoughtful messages in cards & didn't sit there the day after my wedding judging how much was left in an envelope. Maybe this is what some people do though..

katiemanzoori · 21/08/2018 20:28

This person was a very close friend until recently so tell them you can't afford it. If they are a true friend they would be upset at the thought of you worrying so much about a wedding gift. How much their wedding and honeymoon cost them is their choice. No one would ever expect someone to go into debt to attend their wedding.

If you want to give them more than you can afford give it to them when you can afford it.

Freshstart19 · 21/08/2018 20:29

Give what you can afford. It's not a sodding competition. They're getting married, not fundraising and people shouldn't spend a fortune on a wedding if they expect some of it back through guests.

They have invited you for your company and to witness them married.

You give what you can afford it's that simple. Close family, close friends, colleagues... you get the picture.

I would hate for somebody to be worried about this at my wedding.

bunnyrabbit93 · 21/08/2018 20:29

I would give £30 if your friend doesn't appreciate it they can always give it back

Jojoanna · 21/08/2018 20:30

I usually give £100 from both of us if it’s all day

Jammysod · 21/08/2018 20:32

Definitely just give what you can afford - we stated we'd prefer cash, but genuinely didn't expect anything. I'd be mortified if someone felt forced to give more than what they could.

Lyricallie · 21/08/2018 20:36

We did $50usd as we knew people were going to America for their honeymoon. However that was just from DFH as I was a bridesmaid for both so I was part of the bridesmaid gift.

Then when we were evening guests for a family friend we did $50usd from the two of us.

However we’re both in decent jobs with no kids or anything so had a bit of extra cash.

Original poster

queenworkerbee · 21/08/2018 20:37

She's a lovely girl and wouldn't ever say anything to me.
I went to a wedding once with my mum and dad - although me and my brothers didn't live at home we were invited to come together on one invite so we gave £200 from all of us (six adults including partners) later when we saw the bride she was slagging off something rotten everyone who gave less than £50... Just don't want to be seen as tight!
I think the homemade ideas are lovely, thinking something like that followed by the promise of an appropriate cash gift when DP gets his pay rise is the one feel better now!

OP posts:

dinosaurkisses · 21/08/2018 20:42

Don’t promise a present on top of what you give on the day. If you can give a bonus gift before they head off on honeymoon that’s great, but if not it just creates another awkward situation.

Someone did that at our wedding, but never followed through. I wasn’t annoyed, just a bit about why they said anything in the first place.

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