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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not always say thank you?

57 replies

Littleladybird14 · 21/08/2018 19:38

Bit of background, I've been with my DH almost 17 years married for 10. We have two DC and since having our children I have returned to work on a part time basis and now earn a fraction of what my husband does who is full time in a fairly senior management position.

I pay a proportion of bills and buy all food shopping. I am 9/10 the person who cooks dinner in the evening.

When we go our for meals as a family my DH will tend to pay as I just don't have the funds to do so in my bank account. My DH will always make a sly remark if I forget to thank him after every such meal - a sarcastic 'thanks for lunch'! Its starting to grate on me!

In my defence we usually leave a restaurant / café after eating fairly quickly as having two DC under 5 I'm quite preoccupied with getting them out without a tantrum, fight or the usual kids dragging their feet. If we go for a meal just the two of us (very rare!) its usually as some sort of treat for birthday, anniversary etc and if he has paid I will always thank him and be grateful for this.

I do believe in good manners of course and I hate the thought that I forget to thank him but then on the other hand I feel that after 17 years together we are sort of past this? That's sounds bad, but what I mean is I buy the food shopping and cook us dinner every evening and he never thanks me for this and I wouldn't necessarily expect it as its a daily thing, so when we go out for a meal as a family should I still be thanking him even though he knows I couldn't actually pay for it from my bank account and he is actually buying food for the family in the same way I do for our weekly shop??

AIBU??

OP posts:
Unihorn · 21/08/2018 19:41

We have a similar set up and I think your DH is being a bit of a dick! You should demand a thank you every time you arrive home laden with shopping bags.

PurpleFlower1983 · 21/08/2018 19:42

YANBU but I think I would be inclined to say thank you. Then again I don’t have 2 young children!

ChasedByBees · 21/08/2018 19:42

I think you need to point out that he doesn’t thank you for every meal you cook which is actually more effort.

NewYearNewMe18 · 21/08/2018 19:42

Well my DH and DCs thank me for every meal I cook and put on the table, ditto we thank DH if he's cooked. I don't understand the separate account business anyway, so if we go out it would be paid for from the joint account - but we always thank each other for a lovely evening. It's just a courtesy. but if he's no thanking you after every meal you've cooked - I'd be making equally sarky noises in his direction.

Merryoldgoat · 21/08/2018 19:45

My DH and I have personal accounts and a joint account. We arrange money so we have the same surplus each month.

A meal purchased out of his surplus is a nice thing and I’d thank him. From the joint account, no.

Do you have equal access to money? Doesn’t sound like it - sounds like he think he’s doing you a favour. He sounds like a bit of a dick if that’s how he feels.

StealthPolarBear · 21/08/2018 19:45

Yanbu. You're a partnership surely and you jointly pay for the meal. As a family you've decided how you want your family set up to be, who earns the money, who does the shopping and cooking, it's all a joint venture.
If dh took me out for a nice meal (as if) I'd thank him for thinking of it, booking it etc, probably driving :) but not paying. Its our money.

AtrociousCircumstance · 21/08/2018 19:46

He’s being a complete prick. You need to create an itemised bill which covers all childcare and housework. Then ask for a big thank you.

Dickhead.

Quartz2208 · 21/08/2018 19:48

Does he thank you for all you do

Sounds like its a power ply

NellMangel · 21/08/2018 19:50

Yanbu and he is being a total cock.

HolyMountain · 21/08/2018 19:52

Tell him how bloody irritating it is.

If he has done underlying resentment ( if so, why does he?) get it out , have a row and move on.

I would loathe the sly remark.

HolyMountain · 21/08/2018 19:53

*some

Mindchilder · 21/08/2018 19:55

Yanbu, you need to pull him up everytime he fails to thank you for shopping and cooking.

I don't understand why you don't have equal spending money though? Surely you both work just as much?
He only has a full time job because you are doing more of his share at home.

Hadjab · 21/08/2018 19:58

Dissenting voice here. We literally say thank you for everything - it’s just good manners.

JasmineByTheSea · 21/08/2018 19:59

YANBU

If you are married, then why not treat both your income as joint? My husband and I do this and it works really well. Both our incomes are paid into a joint account, then we pay ourselves equal allowances for spending money. Money left in the joint account is moved into a joint savings account. There is no financial inequality in our relationship.

Rockbird · 21/08/2018 19:59

YANBU. Wouldn't occur to me to say thank you to DH for a family meal out. It's joint funds, it's a family expense not a treat paid for by one person.

Original poster
Littleladybird14 · 21/08/2018 20:02

We have a joint which some bills are paid from and we always meant to move all bills into this account but never got round to hence why some are still in our personal accounts. We don't use the joint for spends, only bills.

Our personal accounts leave us with money but I never thought about having the same remaining as DH due to the imbalance in our salaries. He earns it so he keeps it and can spend it. He hates his job at the moment and I'd feel guilty that I'm part time and spending time with kids when he's at work hating his job but doing so to keep us afloat and so that we can afford the luxury of me being part time. Maybe we need to look at this though and try to find some balance!

I'm glad its not just me though that thinks his remarks are dickish!!

OP posts:
AlexaShutUp · 21/08/2018 20:03

He is being a dick. And I say that as the main earner in our relationship who always pays for dinner when we go out. Although we do have separate accounts, because that is what suits us, we're a team and it's all family money at the end of the day.

I think you need to challenge him on this and if he doesn't stop, start making sarcastic comments right back at him about all the meals you provide for the family!

mummyhaschangedhername · 21/08/2018 20:05

Does he thank you for every meal you make?

Mindchilder · 21/08/2018 20:06

Working outside the house isn't more important than housework and childcare - it all needs doing to keep your family afloat.

Therefore you should both get the same amount of free time and spending money.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 21/08/2018 20:08

I always say thank you for food bought or cooked for me. Even if I pay I always thank my boyfriend for a lovely time!

Yes you should thank him but he should also thank you for all the food you provide! It takes more time and effort to cook and I think people should value theirs/other peoples time more.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 21/08/2018 20:11

He hates his job at the moment and I'd feel guilty that I'm part time and spending time with kids when he's at work hating his job ah I bet this is why he's getting his knickers in a twist! Is there scope for you to go full time and him part? Or for him to change roles? Is he actively taking responsibility for his job satisfaction?

Londonmamabychance · 21/08/2018 20:12

This is why I hated working part time. Even though my DH never expected me to thank him for paying for stuff when I was on Mat leave or part time, I didn't like the power imbalance of him making so much more and me having to depend on him financially. In this world where work at home is undervalued and money is power, you need to be married to a saint if you're not going to have power imabalance if one partner earns significantly more. I'd be thinking about going full time and giving him the option t change his job in order to improve your relationship.

SometimesMaybe · 21/08/2018 20:19

When I was a SAHM if it was my husbands birthday I would book restaurant and put (joint) CC on table. DH would say thank you. When he booked table and put card down Inwould say thank you (usually meaning “for everything you do for us”).

I cooked every night and DH would always say “thank you, that was delicious.” Because we appreciate what the other did in making our family tick.

You should have the same joint spending money left after bills etc.

lazyarse123 · 21/08/2018 20:27

Does he thank you for every ironed shirt? If he 's not happy he needs to sort it and not be a dick to you.

M3lon · 21/08/2018 20:34

Yeah...I wish I could claim I wouldn't, but I'd start saying a sarcastic 'thanks for dinner' every time he didn't say thank you after dinner.

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