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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not always say thank you?

57 replies

Littleladybird14 · 21/08/2018 19:38

Bit of background, I've been with my DH almost 17 years married for 10. We have two DC and since having our children I have returned to work on a part time basis and now earn a fraction of what my husband does who is full time in a fairly senior management position.

I pay a proportion of bills and buy all food shopping. I am 9/10 the person who cooks dinner in the evening.

When we go our for meals as a family my DH will tend to pay as I just don't have the funds to do so in my bank account. My DH will always make a sly remark if I forget to thank him after every such meal - a sarcastic 'thanks for lunch'! Its starting to grate on me!

In my defence we usually leave a restaurant / café after eating fairly quickly as having two DC under 5 I'm quite preoccupied with getting them out without a tantrum, fight or the usual kids dragging their feet. If we go for a meal just the two of us (very rare!) its usually as some sort of treat for birthday, anniversary etc and if he has paid I will always thank him and be grateful for this.

I do believe in good manners of course and I hate the thought that I forget to thank him but then on the other hand I feel that after 17 years together we are sort of past this? That's sounds bad, but what I mean is I buy the food shopping and cook us dinner every evening and he never thanks me for this and I wouldn't necessarily expect it as its a daily thing, so when we go out for a meal as a family should I still be thanking him even though he knows I couldn't actually pay for it from my bank account and he is actually buying food for the family in the same way I do for our weekly shop??

AIBU??

OP posts:
Charley50 · 21/08/2018 20:34

Yanbu and I think he should be thanking you for dinner every night.

missymousey · 21/08/2018 20:36

What @NewYear said.

YANBU at all, and I would expect thanks from DH for cooking.

SoyDora · 21/08/2018 20:39

I’m a SAHM so every single meal out we have DH technically pays for.
I don’t say thank you to him for paying... we made a joint decision to spend our joint money on a meal out.
I do however say thank you to him for cooking, and he says the same to me (we share the cooking). Just ‘thank you, that was lovely’ after we’ve eaten.

Alpacanorange · 21/08/2018 20:42

Massive dickhead attitude. You shouldn’t have to feel grateful to please his ego, you are his life partner, mother or his children. Fuckwit.

crispysausagerolls · 21/08/2018 20:43

I’m a SAHM and I always say thank you to DH for lunch or meals etc! It’s just polite - it’s not like you’re thanking him for bills and rent. It’s just nice to appreciate and costs nothing and he appreciates it and says “you’re welcome”’and we have a little kiss.

However my DH would never hint that I should, that’s unpleasant.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/08/2018 20:52

We have joint finances, so although we do say thank you it's rather tongue in cheek as we're basically saying thank you to the other for pulling our (joint) card out.

But I will tell you that DH has always said 'thank you' (and insisted our boys do the same) for meals served at home. And that's because cooking and serving a meal takes actual work and thought. But I say thanks to him, too, when he cooks.

SoyDora · 21/08/2018 20:54

But I will tell you that DH has always said 'thank you' (and insisted our boys do the same) for meals served at home. And that's because cooking and serving a meal takes actual work and thought. But I say thanks to him, too, when he cooks

Exactly this.

CSIblonde · 21/08/2018 20:59

Power trip. You aren't his equal is the way he sees it.

Mummadeeze · 21/08/2018 21:02

My partner never says thank you when I pay for a meal out for us (he never pays but I earn a lot more). I have to say, I have never said anything, but it irks me every time. I offer to take us out, so it is my choice in the first place, but I do think a quick thank you as you settle the bill is easy to say and would mean a great deal. It is just nice to feel appreciated. I takes less than a second to do so why not make the effort if he cares about it. My parents never ever let me pay when I go out for dinner with them and I wouldn’t dream of not thanking them every time.

Lynne1Cat · 21/08/2018 21:04

He's being a prat. You don't need to thank your husband. Does he thank you for shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, raising his kids?

Givemeallyourcucumber · 21/08/2018 21:07

I am a SAHM and I cook every single night. And every single night DH and DCs say thank you for dinner it was lovely/delicious/disgusting! They never say disgusting but even if they don't like it they always say thank you!
I would expect your DH to thank you for the meals you cook and I would expect you to say thank you for paying for a meal out.

Pressuredrip · 21/08/2018 21:12

He's an arse. In our house we thank whoever has cooked food. He always pays for meals out as earns more and I never thank him. It's family money. It's a joint decision to eat out.

Teeniemiff · 21/08/2018 21:23

I think I agree with the people who are saying it’s joint money- and no I wouldn’t thank my husband for being the one to swipe the card in the restaurant. We have a joint bank though & all money is in there. He earns more than I do but we decided I would stay home 2 days a week for child care & work 3 days.
My decrease in salary is both of our decisions, To care for our children.
If I wanted to earn more money then my husband would need to work less, or pay more for nursery.

When this is the agreement (like it sounds in your case) it’s a massive bug bear of mine when the main earner does this with money. Happened with my BIL & SIL.
Your Husband should share his money with you- and vice Versa in my opinion

Pumpkintopf · 21/08/2018 21:35

Agree with teeniemiff's post above.

AspieHere · 21/08/2018 21:45

YANBU. It's like he expects eternal gratitude because he has given you a night off from cooking. Dickhead.

My DH has always earned more than me, I've either had benefits as my part of the income or a part time wage. We have separate finances. We have always been left with equal money after everything has been paid out. Just because he works more hours doesn't mean he gets to keep more of the money.

nellieellie · 21/08/2018 22:00

He’s being a total twat. It’s not his money, it’s family money. If you thank him for paying for a meal, he needs to thank you for looking after his kids, for cooking his dinner, and for giving up your f/t job to cater for the family. You should have a joint bank account. Quite honestly, can’t believe men like this still exist. Are you sure he hasn’t got a tardis somewhere and snuck in from the 1950s? Having said that, you are actually pandering to it. If my DH said this, I’d laugh in his face.

CripsSandwiches · 21/08/2018 22:07

I think that when one of you is doing most of the childcare and household stuff you can't continue to have separate money. You should at least have equal spending money after bills mortgages etc. are paid. No way would I agree to give up work for someone who was going to continue thinking of their wages as 100% theirs.

Pissedoffdotcom · 21/08/2018 22:13

SAHM here on maternity, DP brings in twice what i do atm. I do most of the cooking but he pays for the shopping every week; both get a quick thank you to show a bit of appreciation. If we go out DP insists on paying, i always say thank you for dinner...but not because he has paid, more because I have enjoyed the evening.

If it doesn't work both ways - if he doesn't acknowledge what you do - then he is being a cumsponge.

firstworldproblems2018 · 21/08/2018 22:18

YANBU at all. He’s being completely ridiculous. You are married, with children, contribute financially as well as numerous others ways and you have NO need to thank him for providing a meal out for you and your children- absolutely ridiculous. Does he thank you for every grocery shop? Every time you cook him dinner?! No. He’s being utterly unreasonable OP.

BloodyDisgrace · 22/08/2018 11:17

then on the other hand I feel that after 17 years together we are sort of past this?

I'd disagree. How about telling him you would love if he thanked you for cooking a meal, and you remembering to thank him for paying when you eat out?

SoyDora · 22/08/2018 11:20

Am I supposed to thank DH for paying every time I do our weekly online food shop?
I thank him for cooking for me, as it’s taken thought and effort. He does the same in return. I don’t thank him for using our joint account to pay for things. He knows I appreciate him for his contribution to the household, and vice versa.

Pissedoffdotcom · 22/08/2018 11:28

He knows i appreciate him for his contribution to the household, and vice versa

I think that might be the issue here with OP's situation. It appears that her OH expects gratitude without ever giving it

mywheatbagismybff · 22/08/2018 11:28

So he thinks of it as his money. You should have equal access to money op. It's not 'his because he earns it'. If you were in full time work he'd presumably have to pay half of childcare and do half the house work/child related care. I'm guessing though that he sees those things as 'your job', just unpaid.

Funnyface1 · 22/08/2018 11:40

Yanbu. I'd hate to live like this. Our money is our money, always has been.

AdoreTheBeach · 22/08/2018 11:49

I do the cooking in our home, married over 25 years. My husband always says thank you for dinner and mostly kids do too. When we go out, if I pay, husband says thank you, i day thank you as well. I used to work full time and bring in a hefty salary. Not anymore, it’s sll joint money (ie, his money but in joint account). So when hubby thanks me for dinner when I have “paid” it’s our money. It’s just cordial.

Kids also say thank you when we eat out too.

However, if someone should forget and not do it (rush off from dinner table, hectic departure from restaurant etc) neither of us would get sarcastic either.

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