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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My mums behaviour

28 replies

Stpancras · 21/08/2018 10:08

I need some helping with how I feel about my Mums behaviour. Some recent examples:

We are expats and come back to the Uk for a month every summer. We rent a house not far from my Mum and Dad.

Today we asked my Mum for a lift to the train station near them (5 mins drive). When we opened the car to get it in, there was a picnic packed for our day out. Which we don’t want, didn’t ask for, don’t need! She was furious when we didn’t take it (we have enough to carry and have already packed snacks).

Next, whilst in the car she tells us (tells, not asks) that she wants to invite my aunt to see us tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day we have arranged for my MIL to spend with grandkids, mum has had a month to arrange this with my aunt. It will thoroughly piss my MiL off. I managed to put her off by saying that i believe said aunt to be on hols, but i am still annoyed by the inisitence and overbearing behaviour.

Is it just me? Lots more examples like this. She can also be very kind and loving.

OP posts:
JeanieLouToo · 21/08/2018 10:13

It sounds very much like she still treats you as a child, making decisions for you without consulting you. Have you always had this sort of relationship? It's a bit controlling... but I am sure you can get a better adult to adult relationship if you work to redress the balance.

CripsSandwiches · 21/08/2018 10:20

Why did you say aunt was on hols rather than tell your mum you had other plans? I agree with PP she's treating you as a child. I do think you need to redress the balance - perhaps you'll have to not ask them for lifts (annoying though that may be) and other favours. Stand your ground and don't flinch when they insist on unreasonable requests.

TinyTear · 21/08/2018 10:20

What's the difference between an expat and an immigrant? Just curious...

ReservoirDogs · 21/08/2018 10:21

I see it as her wanting to look after you while you visit and to show you off to the aunt.

Perhaps it may have been easier to take the picnic and dispose of it and it seems like you have put off the visit successfully.

Original poster
Stpancras · 21/08/2018 10:21

Yes that’s it, i guess. Any attempt at challenging the way she behavea ends in huge anger and the silent treatment too.

OP posts:
Bezm · 21/08/2018 10:26

Sorry, I don't think she's done anything wrong. She wanted to do something nice and make a picnic. All you needed to do was say thanks and take it.
She wants her sister to visit with you. That's just natural. You could arrange for your aunt and MIL to spend time with you at the same time.

Original poster
Stpancras · 21/08/2018 10:30

Tiny Tear - what? We are Brits who lives overseas. What are you getting at?

I deliberately ask her for very few favours. It’s hard to be herw away from our own home without asking for some small bits of help, but this has exentended to using her washing machine 3 times in a month and one lift.

She’s had a whole month to show us off and look after us - tomorrow is for MIL and she knows it.

I’m rubbish ar conflict and always think of the right thing to say AFTER the event. I should have just said no, I know.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 21/08/2018 10:31

I'm guessing there must be more to it than these examples, because compared to most threads on here these don't sound like particularly terrible things she has done.

Making you a picnic? The sheer cheek. Confused

HollyGibney · 21/08/2018 10:32

I'm sure there must be more to it because I can't see why anyone would get so worked up over a picnic.

Original poster
Stpancras · 21/08/2018 10:35

A picnic we can’t carry, didn’t ask for (two kids, pushchair etc into London) and cannot politely refuse without her being furious😬

OP posts:
apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 10:37

Picnic you should just have taken and chucked if not needed. No need to have refused it.

Aunt no rearrange as it’s unfair on mil to not have you to herself.

Can’t see the huge issue to be honest

PuppyMonkey · 21/08/2018 10:37

Okay, well yes it's unreasonable of her to be furious - maybe a bit peeved if she'd spent a lot of time and money on the food. How did her fury manifest itself?

JeanieLouToo · 21/08/2018 10:37

I am sure there is more to it if it is causing anxiety. If the OP wrote every example down no one would respond.

Just be careful that if you are afraid to challenge her about anything because it ends up in a row or silent treatment, that is very controlling and emotionally abusive too. It's very common behaviour in parents and not because she is a bad person. She may only do this because she is threatened or insecure about something - your relationship with your MIL maybe? Does she open up about her feelings with you often? If so sit down and have a chat.

TerfTerf2 · 21/08/2018 10:38

StPancras I totally feel your pain! My mum is also lovely etc but drives me up the wall. Making an unwanted picnic is exactly the sort of thing she'd do. Mine would also pack a load of things that we wouldn't eat, and her Tupperware is many years old so all the food smells and tastes of plastic It might sound innocent but when it's added to all the other things it becomes a bigger deal. We only stay with her for a week/10 days a year and she will be keen to tell me that she hasn't planned anything, so the kids and I can just relax and potter about and do things as we feel like....then we arrive and she has a list of activities, will have booked things for the kids, and got the neighbours' kids organised to spend time with ours, etc etc. It's meant so lovingly but is just so frustrating sometimes, and so hard to say no without causing a scene. Makes me tense and snappy, which is not what I want on my holiday!

apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 10:39

Probably need to preempt any more picnics but really of course you could have chucked it away at the station

llangennith · 21/08/2018 10:39

I don't think I'd be too grateful being expected to carry round an extra container (bag?) I didn't need full of food I didn't need.
Yes your mum wanted to be helpful but in that case why didn't she offer in advance and discuss it with you?
I don't think she's trying to control your life, you're home for just a month and she wants you to be part of her family again. She misses you and your family so try to understand her sometimes misguided ideas.

apriljune12 · 21/08/2018 10:40

I agree with you on the tantrum and silent treatment though can’t b arsed to deal with that shit

OverTheHedgeSammy · 21/08/2018 10:44

I'll bet this isn't new behavior, you are just noticing it more because you don't live near her anymore.

My 'D'M used to buy me clothes when I was a teenager. Hideous things that SHE would wear (and were sometimes something she already had in her wardrobe for herself!). I flatly refused to wear them. She couldn't understand why I was being so stubborn when none of my DSisters were like that - more fool them, dressing like middle aged women in their teens and 20s.... I had a part time job so bought my own clothes.

She learned. Slowly. Painfully. With many, many arguments.

But she regresses constantly. I remember visiting and her 'offering' to buy me a top she liked. I said no. She offered again, forcefully. The words indicated offer, the tone of voice said you WILL accept and wear this'. I said 'If you buy it, I will cut it up and toss it in the bin.'

She was shocked and appalled that I would be so wasteful. No, wasteful is you spending money and buying me something I DON'T WANT. But she knew I would do it so she didn't buy it in the end. Sulked for a few days though.

ChasedByBees · 21/08/2018 10:49

There’s still time to say no to our aunt. You had plans for your MIL and she knew that. She wouldn’t like it if you cancelled on her for your husband’s family. Just text her and say you’ve thought about it and won’t be able to fit it in.

CripsSandwiches · 21/08/2018 10:59

What's the difference between an expat and an immigrant? Just curious...

Not really relevant but an expat is someone living in a foreign country because of marriage or a job opportunity with a view to perhaps returning to their home country eventually. An immigrant is someone who moves permanently to their new country usually because of economic or political conditions in their native country. (Why didn't you just google?)

NonJeNeRegretteRien · 21/08/2018 11:05

I do sort of understand where you are coming from but I think you are so angry about little things she’s doing that your perspective is a bit misted up.

Sounds like she loves you very much and is trying to do nice things for you and your family but isn’t thinking of the full picture - I agree she is still treating you like you’re a child - maybe she wants to be needed and useful and feels that she isn’t anymore?

There probably is a way of communicating with her without you both getting angry but don’t be surprised if instead of being angry she gets upset - but probably to mask some sadness/embarrassment...

Go easy on her, if you’re only here one month of the year she has a lot she is probably trying to pack in.

CripsSandwiches · 21/08/2018 11:10

The fury and silent treatment does make her sound very manipulative. Also if she knew your MiL was planned to come tomorrow and she deliberately tried to arrange a last minute visit with Aunt that day then yes that is annoying. I know people like this who do "nice" thing in a very manipulative way so that you can't refuse.

BewareOfDragons · 21/08/2018 11:14

They didn't google because they were trying to score an off topic, unnecessary point ... Hmm

OP, my MIL does shit like this when we go on holiday and spend time with them. We really don't like it. We will stand firm on our plans, although we have had fall out from it plenty of times. We made it clear no one gets to tell us how we will be spending our holiday time. We work too hard for it. MIL and FIL are long, long retired ... they can plan their own time, but not ours.

GirlfriendInAKorma · 21/08/2018 11:26

Totally know where you are coming from - exactly the sort of thing my DM does. And yes - if you challenge her you get the silent treatment (whilst she bottles it all up) and eventually a torrent of abuse.

I now let her get on with it (the silent treatment / torrent of abuse) as I just know it's the pattern that she chooses to go through and she always comes round eventually. Am really thick skinned about it now.

She once decided she was doing to send DStepD round one day to help with DIY when we moved into new house (very helpful). But she decided he could only come on a day when we had prearranged plans (big get together for a good friend's big birthday) and called me an ungrateful bitch cos I said we really couldn't do that day.

So yeah, similar to the picnic, they TRY to do something nice, but it's so much on their terms that it turns into a nightmare.

100% understand where you are coming from!

HelenUrth · 21/08/2018 11:27

Here's an interesting article on silent treatment (although it's written from the point of view of someone's partner rather than parent giving the silent treatment)
pairedlife.com/problems/silent-treatment-abuse

My mother did this for years but stopped when I eventually told her if she did it again it would be long term as I wouldn't engage further with her, I've enough going on in my life without this crap and if she had a problem to tell me rather than expect me to be a mind reader.

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