To ask if your standards can be too high?

[TheParamedicWannaB]

Just that really. Was speaking to a friend the other day, and we were just speaking about what I wanted from my next relationship, just separated from ex.

I married him fairly quickly, never got to know him properly and ignored many red flags.

So I told her, I want someone who's into business like me and very ambitious, has his own successful business, honest/caring/patient, who's into charity, travelling, morning person. She thought I wasn't being realistic, and made me feel like I'm gonna end up alone with cats. She didn't understand why he has to have his own business, I have my own and want someone with similar interests.

Best to join one of those dating agencies where they vet candidates and check their credentials. You may have to pay a fee.
That's the only way you'll ever meet someone who ticks all the boxes.

I would suggest it's the meaning behind the title of your post...why do they need to own their own business ? Is it genuinely because you perceive that you'll have more in common or is it because you would see them as more successful(which by equating your standards as "high" would suggest the latter)

If it's a success thing then fine admit it but realise you being a bit close minded which would limit your options (that sounds a bit harsh I don't mean it as a criticism just reality)

My DP is the first man I've met who is most definately on the same wavelength intellectually as myself. We have huge amounts in common and differences but I can have a real conversation with him about politics or books and it's wonderful

He's my match and my equal but if you stood outside of us and looked it wouldn't seem that way...he earns far less, didn't go to university and had a he'll of a rough time growing up, I was boringly white bread middle class law degree blah blah

We look completely mismatched and in fact it's the closest intellectual and mind match I've ever known

I guess I'm suggesting by defining such strict parameters you are losing out on people that have the qualities you want without ticking the boxes? So yes it might quite a tough thing to find

I don't necessarily think it's case of having your standards too high but perhaps having too fixed an idea of what you want from a partner. While obviously sharing similar ideas of how you're going to live your life is important (travel, spending, social lives etc) I imagine you could be happy with someone who doesn't have identical interests or shares some interests but not others. Requiring them to run their own business sound a bit overly prescriptive to me for example.

That said I think it's better to be "single with cats" then to settle for any old guy. I don't think getting married should be viewed as some kind of minimum milestone for your life to be a success.

I don't think your standards are too high as such, but I do think you might be limiting the field unnecessarily by only considering men who have their own businesses. There will be a lot of ambitious men who are interested in, and knowledgeable and passionate about entrepreneurship and business without actually running their own.

What is it that you think a business owner would have that you couldn't get elsewhere? Genuine question, I'm not trying to be difficult!

I'd want someone who would never use the term "red flags".

I don't think this is about high standards but things like "own business" make you sound quite narrow-minded. Love Island might be the best way forwards.

@Gettingbackonmyfeet

"on the same wavelength intellectually as myself."

Fuck, you're setting the bar low!

Own business sounds a bit much, yes. How many successful business owners that also fit the rest of your credentials and are single actually exist? You may need to be slightly more open minded.

want someone who's into business like me and very ambitious, has his own successful business, honest/caring/patient, who's into charity, travelling, morning person.

It's not so much that your standards are too high, more that (a) some of the things you want are contradictory and (b) some of them are surface and need to be unpicked so that you can figure out what you really need most from a partner.

You are unlikely to find someone who is "very ambitious" and also very "caring/patient" with other people. So you need to figure out what it is that you really get from each of these qualities and then prioritise.

I have my own and want someone with similar interests.

Two highly ambitious business people are likely to leave a lot of gaps in a relationship and in a family. Or if he is highly ambitious and you are not then your business is likely to end up playing second fiddle to his while you fill the caring gaps. Is that what you want?

Think about the practical results of the qualities you want.

I don´t think all those things you list are standards. What kind of standard is owning a business or doing charity work? Is it a red flag if someone doesn't own their business? To me the kind of things you should look for are rather the personal qualities of someone who run their own business (get up and go, takes initiative, creative) or in charity work (compassionate, social conscience, etc). Then you are looking for someone with the qualities you want rather than someone with a particular lifestyle.

Though having said that - you might want reasonably want someone who is more ambitious than your ex (for example if your ex just lay around the house all day) and also more caring and patient than your ex (if he was more interested in lying around the house playing video games all than he was in you or you kids)

I have just separated from an 18 year relationship and a lot of it probably comes down to my standards And not compromising over everyday things which started to sloooowly drive me crazy.
This in turn made me view my xh differently, very cliche.
Tbh I am open to the possibility of not having another relationship, it is certainly not a priority at the moment. Being happy with great friendships and my cats will be fine for me... 🐈
better that than being a bitter and constantly annoyed person.

Agree with @Kleinzeit . Ambitious business owners may not be especially patient or carig. They may not prioritise travel for leisure if their business means everything to them.

You could still have someone who is successful and hardworking but is not a business owner.

It's not that your standards are too high, as much as your parameters are quite narrow, and you run the risk of discounting great people because they don't tick every box "on paper".

Maybe it does limit me, I don’t know. But I think it’s because my ex was very lazy, wasn’t passionate about anything,didn’t have any goals or ambitions and I’m the complete opposite. I have so many goals and dreams I want to fulfil, and I’m very passionate about entrepreneurship, he never supported or understood the things I wanted to do.

The way I see is if he owns a business he’s passionate about something, and he will understand how important it is for me, and he will understand the time, money and effort put in it?

You could still have someone who is successful and hardworking but is not a business owner.*

This. You're right.

You are unlikely to find someone who is "very ambitious" and also very "caring/patient" with other people. So you need to figure out what it is that you really get from each of these qualities and then prioritise. That exactly what I was about to post. I know it's a generalisation but still.

It isn't at all as long as you accept the fact you may not get everything you want. Personally I would advocate having very high standards for a life partner and acknowledging that single life is often far better for women overall (for all it is held up as the ultimate spectre of horror, being a spinster clutches pearls).

Just imagine two futures - living alongside someone who doesn't make you really happy or living alone. Which is more appealing? If the latter, then high standards all the way.

If you insist he must tick all of those boxes, your standards may be too high. What if he ticks all the boxes except "morning person"? Would you compromise on that? But there's nothing wrong with having standards. It's a sign of healthy self esteem.

I've very recently ended a relationship because I realized there were points I just can't compromise on, and I'd rather be happy and single than have to bite my tongue every day.

(Are you having a bad day drastard?)

Well DH is very ambitious and successful, but also caring and patient, not sure why those are mutually exclusive?
He doesn’t have his own business though, so someone like him would be ruled out I guess, despite being extremely well respected and successful in his field.
(He also does charity work too )

As someone who is self-employed, has siblings and friends who are self-employed, and works with a mixture of people, you don't want to be with someone who also owns their own business or is also self-employed.

Firstly depending on the type of business you can have clients calling at random times or work at weekends, and may have to do a lot of travel. Fine if one of you in your relationship is doing it but not both of you.

Secondly because if the economy tanks either generally or in that person's business area, then one of you should be able to earn a living.

Thirdly if you have children or other caring responsibilities it is normally easier for the person who is in permanent employment to arrange their schedule to deal with it.

The other things are worth looking out for though and you will probably get them. For example getting a morning person is just a case of not being available being late at night.

I think sometimes you can overthink it and ask for too much, I guess it depends, for me I think to keep an open mind and find your equal in a partner. I know a couple of girls that want a good looking guy, with great car and job, goes to the gym etc yet they are not the best versions of themselves, in dead end jobs etc and they are struggling to meet someone because IMO they are looking for the opposite of themselves and an easy ride if that makes sense?

@TheParamedicWannaB

I have so many goals and dreams I want to fulfil, and I’m very passionate about entrepreneurship, he never supported or understood the things I wanted to do.

Perhaps you'd be happier with a man who is interested in and supportive of your goals and passion for entrepreneurship, a man who would happily take on the domestic and childcare parts of a family in order to allow you to put your energies into your business.

As others have said, two passionate business owners (of separate businesses) in one family could lead to a lot of conflict.

Remember that when choosing a partner, you want to look for complimentary characteristics, not just similarities.

Your OP reminds me of the lonely hearts ads I used to read forty years ago, when everyone described themselves as "professional". So boring.

What proves you’re all those things OP? Do you have your own business? What have you done? Where have you travelled? What charity work do you do?
Most importantly what do you have to offer?

Someone might be all those things but be a shit deep down.
You might have all of those attributes but actually click with someone the total opposite! I don’t think it’s bad to have high standards, and to want someone you gel with, but that could be anybody!

If you're really passionate about your own business then surely what you need is a partner who will support that, not someone who's going to be exclusively focused on his own thing? I have a moderately stressful job (when not farting about on mumsnet) and a busy volunteering life, and I love love love being married to a man who cooks and remembers to do the laundry and will eventually take care of our kids while I'm doing all this. We exist on the same wavelength mentally and we want the same things out of our life together but we have different roles to play in getting there.

I agree with other posters that being single with cats is preferable to a man who doesn't support you in what you do, I just think it would be a mistake to narrow that down to a male clone of yourself.

It's not having standards that are too high, but understanding what - if anything - you would compromise on.

If you won't compromise on any point, then perhaps that's her point, somewhat clumsily made?

and I love love love being married to a man who cooks and remembers to do the laundry and will eventually take care of our kids while I'm doing all this. We exist on the same wavelength mentally and we want the same things out of our life together but we have different roles to play in getting there.

Maybe this is what I was missing