To ask if your standards can be too high?

[TheParamedicWannaB]

Just that really. Was speaking to a friend the other day, and we were just speaking about what I wanted from my next relationship, just separated from ex.

I married him fairly quickly, never got to know him properly and ignored many red flags.

So I told her, I want someone who's into business like me and very ambitious, has his own successful business, honest/caring/patient, who's into charity, travelling, morning person. She thought I wasn't being realistic, and made me feel like I'm gonna end up alone with cats. She didn't understand why he has to have his own business, I have my own and want someone with similar interests.

There is some really thoughtful and excellent advice on this thread, OP.

Well DH is very ambitious and successful, but also caring and patient, not sure why those are mutually exclusive?

Sure, these are generalisations and there will be exceptions. One thing I meant is that if you meet someone who is a very ambitious business person then you'd want to have an extra-hard think about how they balance that with caring and patience. And make sure you are confident they can do that. Because many ambitious business people don't have the time or energy for caring and patience elsewhere - especially not when the business isn't meeting their ambitions.

Another thing I meant is that some women (not you obvs!) can get suckered by men who are very ambitious in both work and personal life. These men just want to win and once they have won they lose interest. So they are lovely and patient and caring at first - same as they would be reeling in a high-profile client - until they've got you. Then they take you for granted and keep all their energy for fighting the next battle. Expanding their work ambitions further or snagging another even more desirable (because unwon) woman. Not that I'm cynical

Anyway OP it does sound as if what you really want is someone who will understand and support your ambitions. Whether he has the same ambitions for himself is secondary. As littlekitty says it might work better if he doesn't.

I’m single with a cat and it suits me fine.

@Kleinzeit yes I'm aware, that probably what I want. A supportive hardworking partner.

Thank you all for your replies, really opened my eyes.

I find your list very interesting because I don't think I would have chosen to meet my DP if I had seen him on a dating website.

For example, I'm a definite morning person and need lots of sleep, he's a night owl and doesn't feel productive until later in the day.
When we met he had a dog and I was scared of dogs. I'm not any more but him mentioning dogs on profile would have put me off completely.
We have very different tastes in things like music and films.
He enjoys adventurous sports, whereas I am much more sedate.
And although he's 10 years older than me he is much more of a party animal than me!

Of course we have things in common too - we both love growing fruit and veg, spending time outside, cooking etc. But it does make me think that we just don't know what's important in a partner until we meet them.

The problem I have found with friends with lists and dating/relationships is that they are constantly saying how the person doesn't hit certain criteria and focus on the negative rather than the positive.

I have one friend who refuses to budge from it as such she is single and unhappy and she has thrown away really decent guys because they didn't meet one or two things!

Saying you want a caring person who values hard work is OK but owns a business etc you will forever be focusing on what they don't match up to and miss the amazing things that they do which isn't on a list.

I’m very passionate about entrepreneurship, he never supported or understood the things I wanted to do.

I think you can find someone who will understand your passion and support you without sharing an identical pattern himself. Likewise he could be ambitious and successful but not in exactly the same way as you.

@chickenowner that's one thing I won't compromise, he needs to be a morning person. I lived with an lazy night owl for 7 years, I don't want that again. We were like passing ships in the night, I just want someone who's up with me in the morning eating breakfast etc.

@twiglet just out of curiosity, what was her criteria?

I think you can find someone who will understand your passion and support you without sharing an identical pattern himself. Likewise he could be ambitious and successful but not in exactly the same way as you.

This. Exactly, thank you 😊

That's fair enough, but my night owl isn't lazy, and has made compromises to accommodate me, such as going to bed earlier than he used to. I have also compromised on things, such as moving to later mealtimes.

I'm just saying that if you fall for someone, and you are right for each other and happy, then you can make a way for it to work.

It seems that the problem with your previous partner wasn't them being a night owl, but being lazy and not the right person for you!

I have no real idea whether DH is naturally an owl or a lark. I’d suspect he’s an owl but his working hours and the fact that we have young children who get up at the crack of dawn mean that he has to be up at a certain time, so that’s what he does (as do most people I imagine).

I think your list focuses on externals. It's like a list of CV requirements - 'the successful candidate will have a demonstrated history of X, Y, and Z...'

I can understand how you would like someone to get it when your attention is on your business, someone who would understand that you are going to be busy and to put the business first many times.

But what inner, innate, non-quantifiable qualities are you looking for?

Kindness?
Sense of humour?
Generosity?
Extrovert?
Someone who is a friend?
Honourable?
Honest?
Polite?
Resilient?

What sort of person would you like to grow old with?

Hers are a professional job which earns over 40k (in her words she wouldn't want to have to pay for them to still live her lifestyle), has to do at least one of her sports to a reasonable level (doesn't want to be hanging around/having to teach them), wants to travel, can't be divorced or have children (pretty difficult when she's in her 40's) but must be a family orientated.