Is this supposed to be so tough (small children)

[Chattycat78]

Just that really. Spending today with 2 year old and 3.5 year old as I always do when I’m not at work. I’m finding it so bloody tough ALL the time:

• takes an age to leave the house. They won’t put their clothes on; youngest won’t get in the buggy.
• if I need to go to the shops, the 3 year old has a full on meltdown so it’s impossivke to do jobs outside of the house too.
• can’t get anything done. House is a tip. Every time I turn my back they are fighting.
• Impossible to cook, clean, you get the idea.
• trying to work 3 days a week, but even that’s so tough as the amount of prep required makes it feel impossible too. Am also falling behind at work (too much work really for 3 days) and there’s a pending restructure, so if I get made redundant I have no idea how I’ll find the time to get another job (or indeed do another job when my head is so full of young kids and my brain doesn’t work anymore)!

Not sure what my aibu is really. Just hoping for some solidarity!
Anyone else in a similar boat?

YANBU. I think everyone who has young kids close in age has felt like you do. I don't think there's a magical solution - except for the passage of time and lowering your expectations of yourself. Your house is messy but your kids are fed, loved and cared for. You're doing a good job.

I think having 2 children so close in age, the answer is yes, probably. (I only have the one for now!)

SIL & BIL have a similar age gap, as does my DB. They both say the first couple of years were a total blur, but now their little ones are so close. The age gap means they can easily play together / share the same interests etc. Plus they have ‘done’ the sleepless nights / nappies etc for good!

I can honestly say I hated those early years. I found them incredibly boring and frustrating. Every morning I'd get up dreading the day ahead and counting the hours until bedtime. I probably sound like a really horrible mother and I felt like one too at the time (I did have severe PND though). Now my kids are older, it's great. It's so much easier and entertaining.

I looked after my 3yr old nephew recently for a few hours and I remembered why 8 disliked those early years. It's relentless!

Yep 5 and 3 here...and bloody he'll it's hard

(Not sodding helped when DP swung off merrily to take them swimming this morning and of course all went like a dream ....no tantrums no complaints whereas my camping trip last week nearly ended in them being sold to the circus..)

It's not just you OP young children are bloody tough and it's boring as hell (paw patrol was not a featured subject in my degree for a bloody good reason....i detest cartoon pups)

Keep on keeping on ...its hard brutal and thankless...and then one of the so and sos kisses you or snuggles you and says they love you (once in a blue moon while they are wiping their nose in your top at the same timw) and you'd raze the world to the ground in a heartbeat foe them

They do it in purpose I swear....timed cuteness just as your about to scream

YANBU. My dd's are a bit older than yours 3 and 5. The summer holidays is nearly driving me insane.

The constant fighting, not being able to get things done. A quick 20 min trip to the shops will take over an hour. Being asked to do things/get things 24/7.

I love my dds but I can't wait till their older!

Mine are exactly the same age as yours and the last couple of months have been incredibly tough. Just getting through it at the moment! It will get better though.

Mine are 4 (nearly 5) and 3 and I’m finding them much easier now. Still a massive amount of faffing and them bickering (especially over the summer holidays as they’re spending far too much time together) but generally they do as they’re told and we’re over tantrums/meltdowns thankfully.
Although I’m 22 weeks pregnant so we’ll be back to it soon!
It does get easier.

You sound exhausted - are you getting any support? Do you have a partner to help out, or friends/family?

Do you have time in the evening once the kids are in bed to just chill out and breathe?

My two are 20months apart, and when they were younger, I relied on structure and routine to get through the day.

Short answer. Yes.

Didn't really like the early years.

Prefer it now even with a teenager!

Thanks all.
Yeah sounds quite common then!

I do have a partner and he’s great with them and does a lot. I do get the impression he thinks I get the “easy” ride being at home more though. I think I’m just having a tough day. ...not helped by the fact that the 3 year old called me “stupid” this morning.

I feel a bit like this at the moment. I'm teacher and have had my 4 yo and 18 mo twins on my own for most of the holidays. We have had some fun and done some lovely things but I'll be going back to work more tired than I was at the end of term which I didn't think was possible!
It is hard work but they are adorable (luckily).

I work the same pattern as you and similar aged DC. I think the mental load of all the house stuff, washing etc plus all the work logistics and writing and thinking is very tiring. It's the best of both worlds in a sense but also the worst.

I find I never quite get in the swing of one style of life (hit ground running, coffee, meetings, swift decisions...) before I have to re-enter the other (slow negotiations over potties or shoes, hanging around at soft play, waiting kneeling on uncomfortable pavements while someone looks at a spider etc).

And then there's doing extra work in the evening, after wrestling with bath and bedtime, which fries my brain.

i genuinely think I've got one of the best part time jobs and home arrangements going; I don't think anyone finds it easy at this stage though.

I have twins who’re almost 2 and on my days off I find it almost impossible to get out the house or do ANYTHING around the house. I’m pretty lonely and I’ve lost motivation to do anything other than get through the day.

OP.

Yours is the best thread I've read on here for a very long time.

I thought it was just me!

I now realise it is not.

Thank you

I hear you, have a similar age gap and I was so grateful to go to work 3 days a week when they were that age. The days I was home with them were 100x harder. I remember counting down hours just like Flameless till DH would get home, once I put them to bed at 5.30pm just because I wanted that day to be over and to start afresh in the morning.

Now they are nearly 5 and 6 though, it's (mostly) a joy. They were out of nappies not long after each other, meltdowns have (mostly) stopped, both (mostly) in their own beds all night, we can (generally) leave the house with just my purse and a playmobil figure in each of their pockets, and they play for hours together (mostly) without hitting each other I even read the whole saturday paper over coffee while they were upstairs dressing up and playing something involving pirate ninjas, and then they actually tidied up (with bribery)! They tell lame jokes, they draw pictures that are actually good, they read more interesting books and sometimes even sit and read by themselves.

It's not just you. You are a good mum. I bet you're quite good at your job too, they're just giving you too much for 3 days (the classic trap of 3 days of pay for 5 days of work). The stage you are in is HARD. It gets better. I promise

yes it's hard. I had 4 under seven and can't remember most of those early years. I used to work night shifts then snatch a couple of hours sleep then look after them . I'm sure I didn't do a very good job in those early years.

No, it isn't. Humans evolved to live in small groups where the load was shared amongst the adults. Even breastfeeding would've involved more than one woman.

It's bloody hard because you are trying to do it all yourself in a society that does not support you.

April I have twins too, slightly younger than yours. It is hard but I find it easier to be out than in! I know what you mean about motivation though. Housework is like painting the Forth Bridge! I fe like I've spent most of the last 6 months cleaning the kitchen floor and it still looks dirty.

When mine were that age it became really obvious to me that living in a nuclear family set up was really dumb.

I still am pretty certain nuclear families were invented by men.

No one is designed (surely!) to be alone with toddlers/pre-schoolers for 12hours/day.

I would say "I remember it well!", but actually, those first 3 or 4 years are a complete blur!

On the plus side, my DDs are now 9 1/2 and 11 and play together fabulously. They've just made their own lunch, are currently in DD1's room writing/practising a play they're going to perform for us this evening and once they've had enough of that, they'll take themselves off to the park, 5 minutes walk away for a good hour or two - and all the while I plan to curl up in my arm chair and binge on Netfllix and biscuits!

Having them so close together is incredibly hard to start with, but there's a huge pay off, I promise!

Good luck and hugs xx

Mine are 2.3 and 5 months and I was hoping it was going to be a bit easier when the youngest was 2 😱

As a PP has said, I think working part-time is the best and worst of worlds.. When I was on maternity leave the first time around, I really looked forward to going back to work.. this time, not so much.. Although you can obviously have a lunch-break, go to the toilet whenever you want and chat about things other than children, it is just another thing to make mental space for. Though at the moment I do have two days a week with just the baby as we've kept the older one in nursery.. And that does feel like a little bit of a break as the oldest one is nuts..

snuggly getting out is so difficult too, on the (rare) days that I manage to get us all dressed and out I do enjoy it. Last week I had to go to the post office so had us up and out for 10am miraculously, I found a free fire truck museum so we mooched around there and I walked the town for hours, was great, it just doesn’t happen very often. The pram we have fits through every door in the house except the front so it’s a mission in itself to get the pram out. Bleurgh!! I’m sure it’ll get easier one day.

Oh OP, yes it is normal, I'm sorry.

It's fine tho, don't worry about the jobs, play with your DC, let them help you prep food, read to them, watch tv with them.

It will pass, it's a phase, they will get on so well so soon. My three are 2 yrs and 21 months apart. I vividly recall the first time I could go out with just a tiny bag - no spare clothes, no snacks, no nappies, no supply cup, just my wallet and keys, bliss!

What will also pass are those moments of small child-ness; my three are teens and I have to work so hard to get anyone to notice I am in the room 😂 (unless they want money, food or a lift 😉).

Can you go full time, get your DP to take turn on reduced hours? You've done your share!

And YY to just getting through the day and structure and routine.. I don't even really think about house-work other than cleaning up after lunch and making dinner. Mornings I try and get us up and out of the house (it is a mission leaving, but time at eg a group etc seems to go much faster than spent at home ), then back for lunch and nap (bonus if I can get them both to sleep at the same time!).. Does your younger one still nap? Then usually play/count down the hours until DH is home...! And I really hate using it so much but I do resort to TV at pressure points (eg getting ready to go out and making lunch)..