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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel judged?!

31 replies

ItWasAlIADream · 20/08/2018 10:54

I had an appointment today about my son being referred for possibly having ASD. Anyway I found some of the questions I was asked really intrusive and was wondering if they were normal or am I over thinking!

I was asked what jobs ive ever had, as in ever not just currently. If I went to university or college and what GCSEs I have, If I had friends in school?! My ex partners job, If I attended/attend baby groups, if I have friends with kids, when I said no their kids are all older as they mostly had children young (16/18) she looked really shocked. Aibu to feel judge?

OP posts:
9amTrain · 20/08/2018 10:57

Seems weird. Sounds like she was scoping whether it could be ASD or learned behaviour Confused

Jackieyoulooknice · 20/08/2018 10:59

Agree with above poster

Bombardier25966 · 20/08/2018 11:02

ASD assessment is complex, and they look a lot into the family history and external factors as well as the child's development. It will feel judgmental at times, but it's all needed to make an accurate diagnosis. You wouldn't want them to misdiagnose would you?

Original poster
ItWasAlIADream · 20/08/2018 11:03

Thats what I thought. Especially when she asked if I had friends in school. I was bullied in secondary school and left early so dont have GCSEs it was almost as if she knew?! Confused because I stated that I was pretty popular in primary school but that secondary school wasnt as good (trying to be vague) then she asked if I had GCSEs so obviously had to explain that I didnt as left early.

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Original poster
ItWasAlIADream · 20/08/2018 11:05

My DD has autism and I wasnt asked these questions Confused . It was like a “pre assessment” not the actual assessment itself.

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C0untDucku1a · 20/08/2018 11:07

I agree they seem to be looking for a reason for His behaviours that isnt asd. Or a hereditary link. That’s not a problem btw. As long as they are also open to ASD. You dont want a label on a young child that isnt correct. And if it is learned behaviour, or behaviour through lack of age appropriate experiences instead, that can be corrected
And improved on.

Did you feel attacked because it made you recognise that Perhaps he hasnt had many oppportunities to develop his skills with you or alongside others his age? Did you go to regular baby groups?

My relative has a two year old and because my sis has anxiety she socialises with nobody, stays in her living room a lot with tv on and toddler has rarely mixed with other children his age. Like maybe 5 times in 2 years. His language isnt where it should be eg Every woman is mama. As i expected, she lied at his two year check to the hv about his abilities but i dont know anymore than that about it. He also is dreadful to get to Eat a meal Because they have no routine and my Relative puts food in his mouth throught the day to feed him.

Why do you think he is asd? How old is he?

FatCow2018 · 20/08/2018 11:09

I would imagine that she is simply being thorough to rule out learnt behaviour. I would think it intrusive too but would happily answer to make sure my child wasn't potentially miss-diagnosed

Neshoma · 20/08/2018 11:16

It's normal to get a family history during assessments. If you were Miss Popular with 12 A* GCSE's you wouldn't feel embarassed.

Original poster
ItWasAlIADream · 20/08/2018 11:18

I didnt think he had it. The school referred us. I guess im feeling judged as I generally feel judged because im “young” and a single parent.

I didnt go to baby groups because im shy and not overly confident. Thats why I was wondering if I was just being sensitive.

OP posts:
HateIsNotGood · 20/08/2018 11:27

Who was the appointment with Dream?

Original poster
ItWasAlIADream · 20/08/2018 11:32

A paediatrician. The school referred us as they said my son struggles socially and is anxious. He also eats non food items (pica.) but at the appointment she said it was to see if he should be referred on for an assessment for autism.

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cmlover · 20/08/2018 11:36

I can understand it.

I have a friend who's child could be on the spectrum but because of her very chaotic lifestyle (think witnessed dv, extreamly dirty messy house, no routine, shouts and screams for disapling when it's used which is not consitent) you wouldn't be able to tell if it's due to that or if he has underlying problems.

when I got my youngest to the gp as I thought he was on spectrum, I had my eldest with me , I was asked if they had the same dad, I think because he could see my eldest at 5 was clam listenisted to instructions and sat nicely whilst my 2 year old was everywhere there was a big difference between them. he was diagnosed with development delay instead. but it seems pretty normal questions time though I understand why your feel odd about it.

HateIsNotGood · 20/08/2018 11:36

Thanks Dream - although they are intrusive questions, I think it's pretty standard (long ago so I can't exactly remember) but ds did have this pre-referral assessment by a Paed too.

If it helps at all, I'm educated to postgrad level and I felt (and was) judged by many.

YourHandInMyHand · 20/08/2018 11:37

They will be asking to get a good picture of his family, your own skills, if he has much socialisation with his peers, etc.

I have a child with ASD and know lots of others who do too through support groups and in my area the outdated "blame the parents" game is still played by some so called professionals. I've often shut people down in appointments and meetings and called them up on it and received apologies, but then I am pretty confident and not afraid to state my case.

Doctor: I see X is an only child. Do you think that's why he does these things?
Me: Well actually he has 2 older siblings he spends half the week with, and I work as a childminder so he is always around children of various ages and stages. So no, that's not the case at all. Hmm
Doctor: Ah so do you think maybe it's that he's not getting enough attention?
Me: No I do not. If that were the case all children who weren't only children would display these behaviours. Behaviours which I know as an early years professional are not in the "normal" developmental range for a child of X's age. Hmm

I've had so many conversations like the one above over the years, either insinuating I'm dumb, or a crap parent, or looking downright shocked that I have qualifications and work, etc. Professional often ends up flustered, backtracking or apologising and it makes me mad for the mums who aren't as confidant. My advice is try not to take it personally but also don't lie down and take it either be an advocate for yourself as a parent as well as for your child.

Original poster
ItWasAlIADream · 20/08/2018 11:40

Just like I said I have had these appointments before but never been asked these questions. Was also asked the same dad thing and whether they see him. She was shocked he didnt see our kids at all. Maybe Im just being sensitive then.

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Birdsgottafly · 20/08/2018 11:42

""Thats what I thought. Especially when she asked if I had friends in school. I was bullied in secondary school and left early so dont have GCSEs it was almost as if she knew?""

No, she's also trying to find out if you have the condition, or a similar one, undiagnosed.

Often when Parents get a diagnosis for their children, a lot of their own 'quirks/issues' make sense. Or that of another relative.

Medical questions are intrusive and personal. This is dealing with making sense of what's happening and how we/the child interacts with others is the equivalent of a blood test and gaining family history.

As a Parent of two Adult children with ADs, you do feel judged, that unfortunately is part and parcel until you can get yourself to a place were it washes over you.

Original poster
ItWasAlIADream · 20/08/2018 11:48

But what is my GCSEs or previous jobs got to do with anything?

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Birdsgottafly · 20/08/2018 11:49

""Maybe Im just being sensitive then.""

Be as sensitive as you need to be, it's a period of uncertainty, then often sadness, then relief and every-other emotion that us Mum's feel for their children's well-being.

You'll get through to the other side.

Sockwomble · 20/08/2018 12:04

I never had that level of questioning but ds was in the system for developmentental long before asd was considered and learning what I used to do for work stopped further questions.
We still sometimes encounter professionals who have never met us before who look for things that we are doing wrong but we try to let that wash over us.

S0upertrooper · 20/08/2018 12:11

I imagine asking you about your GCSEs and jobs is to find out your level of achievement. Some children with parents who didn't do well at school might be slow learners-not saying this is you. They might also be trying to find a link and doing some research.

Many years ago they found a link between grandmothers smoking and lower fertility in their grandchildren. If they don't ask certain questions they won't find patterns.

So this might not be about you, it might be about finding patterns throughout the country. Simple solution is just to ask 'Why do you need that information?'

Lumpy76 · 20/08/2018 12:57

Yes...I know his happens and is why, although we have several children would most likely get an ASD dx should we seek one (it’s in husbands family to, so already have the genetics there for it) we won’t seek one. If we change our minds for any of he children we would go private.

Frusso · 20/08/2018 13:12

Ah, you saw a community paediatrician. They're the ones that rule out any other cause before referring on to core diagnostics.
Some of the questions would be to rule in/out other conditions,

Also don't be too offended if they send you on a parenting course. Some counties like to do this as a tick box exercise.

Has your ds been referred for blood tests to see if there's a underlying cause of the pica?

Original poster
ItWasAlIADream · 20/08/2018 14:08

Its just hit me, Im feeling quite sad now actually. I really dont want to go through with the assessment. Would that be totally awful?

No he hasnt had blood tests but I will contact the Dr and see if thats something we can do.

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ArmySal · 20/08/2018 14:13

I wasn't asked any questions like that, but my son was diagnosed before the age of two. I'd have been a little put out I think if they had asked those questions.

Nousernameforme · 20/08/2018 14:19

I was asked all this. Tbh they still know so little about asd I think these are for correlation data so they can come up with stats like your child is twice as likely to be on the autism spectrum if you did such and such.

They are trying to find a cause/links and need all info possible