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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be secretly excited to move out of my toxic home?

38 replies

Scuzzlet · 19/08/2018 22:37

I’m mid 20s and I currently live with my mum, Dad and golden child, prodigal son amazing can do no wrong teen brother.

Myself and OH have just bought a lovely house about 20 minutes away. I just really can’t wait to get away from them. All my life they have made me feel second best, not good enough, and all my achievements or causes for celebration have always been rubbished or played down.

They always dwell on the negatives of things and make me feel shit when I’m excited or proud of something and they pull it to bits or just generally don’t make the effort to sound enthusiastic. I feel like they have a downer on me because I never went to university and didn’t come out of school with all A’s (I got B’s and C’s and still got into sixth form).. now I work full time and get paid a decent wage.

It also grates on me how my brother has had a trust fund since he was born and they have added to it constantly yet they have never done anything of the sort for me. I don’t think they will even get us a housewarming present. Not even a plate or a set of mugs.

AIBU to feel bad because I love them but be relieved to be leaving them? They’ve never let my boyfriend come and stay even though we have been together 2 years and used to ridicule me because I stayed at his mam’s house every Saturday for convenience .. “erghhh, does his mother let you stay there?” We kind of dont have a choice but thanks .. not everything has to be seedy.

I just can’t wait for our own space! And to finally be happy without always feeling like a failure or like I can never take credit for things. Sorry if this is long.

Give me some house cleaning tips because I can’t wait to get in and disinfect the place! X

OP posts:
Hissy · 19/08/2018 22:41

Oh my love, move and never ever look back! Stay as far away from them as possible

One thing worth noting tho, being the golden child is a poisoned chalice, so it’s not all hunky dory on the other side of this equation

I want to hear how you now soar into happy heights now that the millstone they have been to you your entire life has gone

MrsMozart · 19/08/2018 22:54

Happy moving and happy new home!

I hope your new home and life brings you everything you need.

Here's a housewarming cuppa Brew

Babymamamama · 19/08/2018 23:01

Congratulations you deserve this move. Enjoy every minute of it. I am also a scapegoat with a golden child sibling who benefits to a shocking extent financially from my parents. Do you know what? There is a silver lining. In my case my golden child sibling is hopeless in relationships and overly reliant on my parents. They have never really grown up. I on the other hand stand on my own two feet and am proud of what I've achieved despite the complete lack of support. You can do it. Escape and don't look back.

ifoundthebread · 19/08/2018 23:01

Grasp the change with 2 hands and make the most of it, make and become the house hold you want and deserve. I know how you feel about the younger brother, I too have one that hasn't ever had to think for himself but yet at 15 I was being told to get a job. I moved out without telling my parents as soon as I could with a random person I met online (on MSN, found his addy randomly on a chat room. Internet hook ups wernt a thing like they are now) at 17, my parents cleared my room within a fortnight. I've never looked back, do what you need to do to make you happy.

Original poster
Scuzzlet · 19/08/2018 23:50

Thank you so much for your responses they are so sweet and I agree that while it’s annoying the golden boy thing can definitely be a poisoned chalice ... I’m glad that’s not me. I’m so so excited! I just don’t want them to take the shine off it. I’ve already had the “it’s a terraced house.. is it only going to be your first house? Are you going to climb the property ladder?” While yes it is an older house in the middle of a terrace it has lovely spacious rooms and a big front garden that overlooks a row of Victorian houses.. there’s no reason why we can’t have many happy years ther especially after we make it our own. Ffs...

OP posts:
Babdoc · 19/08/2018 23:56

OP, even if your new home was a bedsit in a slum, it would be a far happier place to live than with your horrible parents!
Don’t let them take the shine off what sounds like a lovely new home for you. Move in and start being happy. Don’t waste any more energy on caring what your obnoxious parents think about any aspect of your new life. Best wishes for your future. Sending a virtual reality housewarming card!

Applesandoranges1 · 20/08/2018 00:06

How exciting for you!!! A totally new chapter. Enjoy your new home and I'm sure you'll make it beautiful. Flowers and candles (the candles from Aldi are amazing) will make it feel warm and homely. Wishing you all the best in your new chapter. If I were you I would avoid your parents for a while, let it filter through emotionally in your own head what your life has been like up until now and draw some new boundaries - don't let them belittle your achievements.

NeverTwerkNaked · 20/08/2018 00:17

DP’s parents have a golden child (his brother). I hadn’t come across it before but it is so toxic and harmful. I can see how it affects him even to this day. And even the golden child has lost out from it as he isn’t close to his other siblings. Your new home sounds lovely and I think it will feel very liberating for you.

Feltcushion · 20/08/2018 00:23

How did you find mumsnet?

Aquamarine1029 · 20/08/2018 00:26

You should be very proud of yourself. You're moving forward with a supportive partner and a new home of your very own. Don't look back. To do so would only serve to perpetuate the negativity that has damaged you. You don't owe your parents ANYTHING.

EthelMerman · 20/08/2018 00:37

Families!! There's nothing so wonderful or dysfunctional as a family. My aunt bore her brother (my father) a grudge because he was the golden boy and she always felt second best. My mother and her brother don't speak, haven't seen my cousin in years.

Get out of there, make yourself a new family - firstly that is DP and you, then his family if they're good'uns, along with friends and if you have children and/or pets they'll be your family too. And you get to make it your own and be a good strong unit.

Don't look back; if your brother realises he's wearing golden handcuffs and all is not rosy in the garden of Eden, then he comes back into your life on your terms but is not allowed to bring you down.

Have a wonderful life in your new house. Cake Flowers Gin Wine

batshitbetty · 20/08/2018 00:37

How did you find mumsnet?

What a ridiculous question, how she found mumsnet has nothing to do with anything and it was probably google like everyone else

ChasedByBees · 20/08/2018 00:51

“it’s a terraced house.. is it only going to be your first house? Are you going to climb the property ladder?”

Bloody well done if you can buy a house in your twenties. Not many can say that.

How have you managed to resist replying, ‘well not all of us have a trust fund do we?’

SpiritedLondon · 20/08/2018 00:54

Sometimes it can feel like a sibling is the golden child even if they’re not really but having a trust fund for one and not the other is very blatant. What would they say if you asked them “ why has golden balls got a trust fund and I haven’t”? Said in a nice even tone? I’m fascinated to know what they’re rationale is. Also everyone starts out in a smaller house and there’s nothing wrong with a mid terrace. I’ve lived in a few and would have no problems going back to one. You’re going to have a great time decorating and furnishing it even if you start out with a mattress in the floor. ( check out second hand furniture on eBay etc... I’ve bought loads of vintage stuff for a song). Good luck... don’t look back and don’t let it ruin your life.

sockunicorn · 20/08/2018 00:59

It also grates on me how my brother has had a trust fund since he was born and they have added to it constantly yet they have never done anything of the sort for me.

OP, odd question but I just cannot fathom how parents can do this. How do they explain this away? you clearly know about the account so has it never been brought up "oh, we didnt get you one because..." i genuinely cannot imagine treating my children differently - even down to buying one a bar of chocolate and not the other!!!

Rebecca36 · 20/08/2018 01:03

I know this is difficult but I can't help feeling it would be a good idea for you to tell your parents exactly how you feel and why. Also that you love them.

I've known parents like yours and they often don't realise how hurtful they are being. I'm sure they love you, you're living in their house after all and wouldn't be if they felt nothing for you.

However it will be a good thing when you move, distance can improve relationships and there's nothing like having your own home.

Every good wish for the future.

Ineweverything · 20/08/2018 01:09

I loved my first (little) home with DH. It was ours and we were happy together.
After the Trust Fund - I wouldn't bother hiding my excitement.

Blackbirdblue30 · 20/08/2018 01:30

Personally I 'found mumsnet' because someone sent me penis beaker and then I was looking for something about hair. It ain't all about kids!
Best of luck with your new home op.

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 20/08/2018 01:50

How exciting for your, enjoy your new home Smile Don't let them take the polish off your achievement of home ownership; if they keep up with the negative stuff take a step back from them or meet them away from your home, you want home to be your happy place :)

DPotter · 20/08/2018 02:38

Not to condone toxic families - regarding the 'trust fund'. Tony Blair's government introduced a savings fund for new borns in about 2002 - it was for about £250. parents could add to the fund. It was stopped after a few years as too expensive. So it's possible the OP brother has this sort of savings fund.

DPotter · 20/08/2018 02:38

Flowers for your new home!

Birdsgottafly · 20/08/2018 03:07

""I'm sure they love you, you're living in their house after all and wouldn't be if they felt nothing for you.""

Unless you know the OP's Parents, personally, you can' be sure that they love the OP, as they should. Toxic/Abusive Parents demonstrate a twisted version of love.

Some people like to have the power to destroy and knock others down. That's why they keep contact, because they don't want to lose their whipping boy.

The OP is under no obligation to tell them that she loves them. Once she is out of it, she can reevaluate her feelings and decide on the relationship that she wants with them, if any.

OP, have as little clutter as you can. Try to only have what you need and a few bits of what you love. If I'm struggling with getting the cleaning done, I take my glasses off and the dust disappears. But having a place for everything and putting everything back were it lives, as you go, makes a big difference. If you are having to buy more storage, sort through your stuff first. Don't be fooled into thinking that you need to be buying house stuff seasonally and need to buy new clothes/shoes/accessories every few weeks.

Have fun Christening every room Wink

buttfacedmiscreant · 20/08/2018 03:29

You know that saying "the best revenge is a life well-lived"? Every time they put your house down, do something nice for it. Put some fresh flowers in a pretty vase, or choose the new paint for that room you are planning to paint or buy a new tea towel or even just clean and freshen your rug, something. Be determined that they will not bring you down!

Original poster
Scuzzlet · 20/08/2018 17:55

I just want to say thank you for all the lovely supportive messages on here, I’ve smiled at every single one , especially the one about christening every room Wink

This is just going to be so good for my overall mental health and well-being! I’m chomping at the bit to get out and dying to hear my move in date.. I just don’t want to give them another penny board.

Meanwhile, they have already told golden balls he can have my room, and they’re turning his room into a walk in wardrobe.... so even if it all goes tits there will be nowhere for me to go back home...

OP posts:
Mumminmum · 20/08/2018 18:08

Good that you can't move back home, for that would be bad for your mental health. Congrats on the house and well done for being able to buy while in your twenties. I wish you the best of luck and a happy life in your new house.

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