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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell DD to get bus home from work?

33 replies

rysandshyn · 19/08/2018 21:31

DD had a phone consultation with occupational health on Friday and they basically just said they will write to her manager to say until surgery she may be off a lot.

No one knows when she is going to have the surgery yet which is frustrating. It's surgery on her bowel btw.

She usually comes home if she has an upset stomach at work and I think that's a bit unnecessary but then I say that as someone who has IBS.

AIBU to say she needs to get the bus home if she is coming home from work, up until now I've been collecting her, but it's becoming such a frequent thing (her attendance is very very low - around 60%).

She's 17. Thanks.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 19/08/2018 21:34

If I had an upset stomach I would want to get home as quickly as possible. I wouldn't want to be caught short on the bus.

How far is the journey? What are you doing otherwise?

Bambamber · 19/08/2018 21:36

I think it depends on what happens when she has an upset stomach. For example when my dad has an upset stomach he ends up with bloody diorrhea and literally can't hold it in. If he needs to go, there better be a toilet within a short distance.

HoleyCoMoley · 19/08/2018 21:38

Does she get diarrhoea, tummy ache, feel sick. How long does it take her to get home on the bus. I'd want my mum to come and collect me if I didn't feel well. What sort of work is it, how have work reacted to her frequent sick time, she can't have worked there for long, poor girl.

NellaBonella · 19/08/2018 21:38

What if she has an accident on the bus?

If her condition is serious enough for surgery it's unfair to leave her in that situation. Does she have to work or can she take some time away until this is resolved?

Original poster

rysandshyn · 19/08/2018 21:41

In all fairness work have been good. Don't seem to mind much when she is off (she doesn't earn enough for sick pay so maybe that's why!!) and although she has been called in for a meeting they just said do your best to come in when you can until surgery.

She would like to keep the job as she is taking a gap year before uni so this is resolved (during sixth form it was a nightmare) so we think it's best all around.

She gets some stomach pain and has to go to the bathroom but there are loos and work let's her leave the checkouts if she has to, but DD still insists on coming home when it happens.

It's just a relatively short 1 bus journey.

OP posts:

SnowyAlps · 19/08/2018 21:42

The added stress of having an accident on the bus may lead to an accident. I may not have explained that well. Myself for example, if I start getting stressed and worried, I immediately have an upset tummy. Could this be a problem for her? If so, it would be cruel to make her get a bus.

MintCassis · 19/08/2018 21:43

DP has Crohn's. When he feels unwell at work he comes home (short drive) and goes back later in the day if he can to make up the hours. There's no way he'd risk a longer journey on public transport. I don't think she is BU to ask for a lift due to the nature of the illness. If you're not able to bring her home then perhaps help her to form a different plan that she feels comfortable with for emergencies. I know DP feels really uncomfortable using the toilets at work, especially as he can be in there for a LONG time.

HollowTalk · 19/08/2018 21:44

So if it's a short bus journey, it doesn't take you long to pick her up. Do you work from home? What would you be doing if you didn't pick her up?

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 19/08/2018 21:45

I think YABU. My DSis also has bowel problems which may require surgery, the fear of an accident in public is real and distressing. If it’s just a short journey why can’t you get her if you’re available, to reduce her anxiety?

Sparklesocks · 19/08/2018 21:45

Ahh I feel for her, she might have the added worry of having an accident on her way home if her stomach is bad. Ironically that stress can make your situation worse too!

CherryPavlova · 19/08/2018 21:45

I’m a bit tough and my 19 year old usually has to cycle to and from work at a local pub. (4 miles each way with shift finishing at 11:30pm). If she needed a loo or was fretting that she might need the loo then there is no way I’d create additional stress by expecting her to clench her buttocks and be uncomfortable on a bus journey. I suspect if surgery is booked, then she should be off u TIL she’s sorted out.

IsTheRainEverComingBack · 19/08/2018 21:45

The link between bowel problems and anxiety is also huge - second brain and all that

OutPinked · 19/08/2018 21:48

Is there any chance she could learn to drive herself soon or will that have to wait until post surgery? Could be a better plan so she has more independence.

I know I wouldn’t want to be caught short on a bus and I also know buses generally take longer than car journeys since you obviously have to wait for the bus, people get off and on at various stops etc. I wouldn’t want to risk it.

If you are able to give her a lift then I would continue doing so until she’s better.

Glumglowworm · 19/08/2018 21:56

If it’s distressing enough for her to want to come home, I can understand why she would want to get home in the quickest, most private way possible. And she is only 17.

If you’re at work then fair enough, but if you’re at home then I think you should continue to pick her up when necessary.

LockedOutOfMN · 19/08/2018 21:58

I'd pick her up or else look to make an arrangement where she is comfortable to use the toilets at work for a long period.

Lougle · 19/08/2018 22:03

If she's having surgery at 17, that suggests she has quite a significant condition?

Slimmingsnake · 19/08/2018 22:05

She needs picking up...why on earth wouldn't you?

TheFairyCaravan · 19/08/2018 22:09

YABU

I can’t never understand threads like this. She’s your child, regardless of how old she is, so why go out of your way to make her already difficult life even harder?

GiveMeAllTheGin8 · 19/08/2018 22:09

She's only 17 and needs bowel surgery?
Yabu, of course you should pick her up. Poor girl

AnoukSpirit · 19/08/2018 22:10

I think that's a bit unnecessary but then I say that as someone who has IBS.

Bowel surgery is major surgery, so presumably she has inflammatory bowel disease or a similarly serious and debilitating condition.

Comparing IBS to her circumstances is like saying because you sprained your ankle once you know what it's like to be an amputee.

Yes, IBS can be awful, but it doesn't put your life at risk, it doesn't increase your risk of cancer, it doesn't require major, potentially life changing surgery. It's not the same at all.

TheFairyCaravan · 19/08/2018 22:10

I can never that should say

CheekyRedhead · 19/08/2018 22:17

As someone with bowel problems and who walks to work. I've had a few scary walks home where it was touch and go as my stomach got worse on the way. Embarrassed to admit but I've not quite made it a few times. Thankfully I've not been seen but the thought of your daughter feeling like I have done but on a bus fills me with sympathy. Please pick her up.
However I do stay at work as long as possible and wouldn't leave after one episode at work. Two in a day and I would go.

ShawshanksRedemption · 19/08/2018 22:20

As someone with IBS I'm sure you must recognise that distress of when you need to go, you need to go. Put yourself in your DD shoes; how would you feel if you were on the bus and that sudden need hit you?

If you are free to pick her up, then do so to help her out rather than face that distress. If however you are working and it's interfering with your job, then perhaps it would be better if she stayed at home until surgery if you can't come up with an alternative between you?

Not sure if it's intentional but your post sounds like you feel she should stay in work and not want to come home when feeling unwell, and that asking to picked up is making you feel frustrated (hence suggestion of she gets the bus).

Italiangreyhound · 19/08/2018 22:29

rysandshyn YABU, she needs collecting.

What are you doing while she is asking for a lift home?

If you are at work and cannot get away then can anyone else collect her (friend/relative etc)?

If you are not at work I'd think it a bit mean not to collect her.

I have IBS and it varies. Sometimes it is OK, sometimes I get a few minutes warning I need the loo. On those days being on a bus would be horrible.

She's keen to work, her work are accommodating, I'd want to find friends who could collect her if you cannot.

I say this as someone whose child is often off ill at the moment and I've had the call at work a bit lately for her to come home and it is very annoying - but I think needs to be done.

If she did have an accident on the bus you would regret not collecting her and she would most likely be very upset with you.

Jeanclaudejackety · 19/08/2018 23:31

Does she have crohns?

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