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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not have a first birthday party for DS

28 replies

Rockandrollwithit · 19/08/2018 20:10

My DS2 will be turning one in just under a month's time. The time following his birth was extremely traumatic - he was born with an unexpected congenital abnormality and was blue lighted 100 miles away for surgery. I couldn't follow for 24 hours and couldn't hold him for a week. He had seven hour open chest surgery and then contracted sepsis. We spent a month in a NICU away from our support networks and oldest son and there were times when we didn't know if we would bring him home.

It's been a tough year as well. DS has needed a subsequent surgery and there's been multiple hospital admissions and appointments. We are over the worst now but there are lifelong consequences. Both DH and I have found that our friends have drifted away as we've been all consumed with DS's care. Family have tried to be supportive but it's hard to understand unless you have been there.

So that's the back story. As his birthday approaches, both DH and I are thinking more about his birth and feeling emotionally wrung out. The last thing I want to do is have a party and pretend as if everything is normal and bake a cake that he will be unable to eat. We both feel that although family are welcome to visit over the weekend before or after and give gifts etc, we aren't up to a party and a performance.

However everyone I have spoken to about this has reacted as though we are being cruel. They will say that DS1 will notice and that DS2 will be hurt when he is older and realises that he hasn't had a party. That he has been through a lot and deserves a party.

So now I'm beginning to feel that maybe we are being selfish. AIBU to not have a party?

OP posts:

Putyourdamnshoeson · 19/08/2018 20:12

Yadnbu. That's all.

candlefloozy · 19/08/2018 20:12

Well I had a straight forward birth and my dd was healthy and we didn't feel up to it. So I am not surprised you aren't even thinking about it. I don't get the big deal anyway. They won't remember it. You do what you feel is best. Ignore these idiots. And I hope your little one is doing ok.

Bambamber · 19/08/2018 20:13

YANBU. A one year old won't benefit from, or care about a party. It's for the parents benefit only. If you don't feel up to it, don't do it and don't let anyone make you feel guilty.

For what it's worth, I didn't have a party for my daughter. Purely because I couldn't be arsed. Plenty of time for parties in the future! I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time and I hope your son is doing much better now

bridgetreilly · 19/08/2018 20:14

Oh, bless you. You absolutely don't have to have a party. First birthday parties are a bit pointless. For DS1, just make sure that he gives his little brother a present, and maybe have a (bought) cake with a candle that DS1 can 'help' to blow out. I promise DS2 will never care that he didn't have a party he wouldn't have remembered.

Frogscotch7 · 19/08/2018 20:17

I had a traumatic birth with my second and the first birthday was like revisiting the whole thing. I do sympathise and think you dont have to do anything to make the birthday harder for you. I do gently suggest you consider marking the birthday within your own immediate family and taking a few photos. It is very noticeable now how few pics and videos there are of my second in her first two years. She’s seven now and does notice. If you don’t want cake, maybe a new outfit and a candle to blow out? Or a family day trip somewhere. Whatever you can manage without revisiting the awfulness of the actual birth. Good luck.

Original poster

Rockandrollwithit · 19/08/2018 20:18

I think the problem with relatives is that he looks completely 'normal' and as long as he doesn't eat in front of others, he comes across as completely healthy and like other babies. So they don't realise how difficult it has been.

I like the idea of doing a cake with DS1, will definitely do that.

And DS2 is doing well now. There will be more surgeries ahead but he's a happy baby and I wouldn't have believed how well he is now if I could have looked into the future when he was born.

OP posts:

Original poster

Rockandrollwithit · 19/08/2018 20:19

The birth was lovely (ELCS), just the aftermath that wasn't!

OP posts:

Lana1234 · 19/08/2018 20:19

Aw that does all sound so stressful for you. You absolutely do not need to have a party, just a nice relaxing day with your loved ones or just whatever you want to do really. That’s what I’m doing for my DS 1st birthday coming up in a few weeks and I haven’t had anything like what you’ve had to deal with.

neighneigh · 19/08/2018 20:19

I think after all that you deserve to go out for a meal to celebrate, just you and your partner. Don't worry about a party, ignore everyone else and do what you would like to do.

SheepyFun · 19/08/2018 20:23

Another one who didn't mark DD's first birthday in any way - she also couldn't eat cake at the time, though that has changed. She's 5 now, and we only properly marked birthdays from three, when she knew what was happening. Do what works for you.

Storminateapot · 19/08/2018 20:29

I didn't do a first party for any of mine. Something they liked to eat, a birthday cake, us & my Mum. That was it. A party would have been overwhelming and for me, not them.

Don't do it if you don't want to. Not unreasonable at all.

notdaddycool · 19/08/2018 20:30

Do what you like, there were 2 families at our first child’s first ‘party’ we have many friends who until at least 3 have only had tea with the grandparents. There is no right way to celebrate, so what feels right, you can afford and makes you and dp happy.

Original poster

Rockandrollwithit · 19/08/2018 20:31

Thank you everyone for making me happier in what we have chosen. Our families are clearly 'party people' but it's good to know that others have celebrated differently.

OP posts:

2b1c51 · 19/08/2018 20:32

YANBU. Weve not had a party for either DC. With DC1 I had invited friends for a little tea party but DC was ill with hand foot and mouth so I cancelled. She spent the day feeding and lookkng miserable. With DC2 I again invited friends for a tea party. Sadly we were trapped in the house for 3 days by the beast from the east! No presents, no party food, no friends or family visiting. The kitchen flooded as the washing machine outflow pipe overflowed. Because of oldest DC I cobbled together a cake, and found some old party bag that, and she thought it the best party ever because she won best dancer, musical bumps and musical statuus (she was the only competitor..) So neither child had a first birthday party, both were blissfully unaware and both fine.

justforthisnow · 19/08/2018 20:44

Yadnbu
I was in your shoes, and if nothing else the risk of infection from a mass gathering like a party should be reason enough to NOT have a party.
Blow out a candle on a small cake with older sibling, take some pics and send to the relatives, mention the upcoming flu season and job done. Older sibling involved, milestone marked (which I do feel is significant for compromised babies), all happy.

Talcott2007 · 19/08/2018 20:47

We didn't have a party for DD's 1st or 2nd birthday! She just wouldnt have understood what a birthday really was! 1st Birthday DH and I took her to the aquarium and her 2nd birthday we went to a really nice activity farm and then 3 of us make a cake together and she decorated it - it looks like rainbow ahad crashed into a sweet store when she was finished! You don't need to justify what you do to anyone especially given that it has some traumatic memories attached. Maybe keep it low key for this birthday and do something more like a 'party' with family celebrate something more positive like the day they came actually home from hospital etc?

Original poster

Rockandrollwithit · 19/08/2018 20:49

Justforthisnow

We are dreading the upcoming flu/ bronchilitis season. I wish people would genuinely understand why they shouldn't visit ill babies with the sniffles etc, and why their own babies and toddlers could be a risk.

Hope your DC is doing well now.

OP posts:

ChishandFips33 · 19/08/2018 21:03

I don't get parties when they are too little to understand/enjoy/appreciate so I wouldn't have an issue at all not having one

Like the idea of making a cake with your older child

Hope the future brings better memories

justforthisnow · 26/08/2018 20:17

@rockandrollwithit the same child had a mass gathering for the 5th birthday party recently! Plenty of time ahead for parties when theyre less vulnerable.

Mouikey · 26/08/2018 20:26

YANBU! For us year 1 = trip to the zoo with all granny and grandads, year 2 = Peppa Pig world the week before her birthday and setting up camp on her birthday at a festival. Of course we did a candle and cake and sang happy birthday which she loved.

Some of her friends have had parties which have been lovely but we are going to wait for that for a year or so (although the festival is likely to clash every year!!!)

Ohyesiam · 26/08/2018 20:30

Op, after the year you have had I think you should do EXACTLY what you want.

toolazytothinkofausername · 26/08/2018 20:36

Instead of having a party, go away for the weekend just the 4 of you! Take time to see how far you've come and enjoy yourselves.

BeenThereDone · 26/08/2018 20:40

A little family special outing with tea and cake for afters sounds just ideal actually. Big parties for kids always baffled me. They don't need it. Mine always had their friends/cousins around to ours for pizzas cake movies games etc and sleepover max six kids, they share a birthday and only a year between, so it was a bit easier.

Besides could never top the ds1 first birthday when I went to all that trouble to give him a brother😏

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 26/08/2018 20:58

YANBU at all. I think most tiny kids get overwhelmed at parties. A party for a little kid is opening presents, music and cake. So even if it's just the 4 of you, a candle and a happy birthday song and a present will be a party to him anyway! But if you'd rather ignore it, it doesn't make any difference either way

justforthisnow · 26/08/2018 21:10

@beentheredone hilarious! Hope he appreciated it 😁

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