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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be angry at DH for thinking I am always ignoring him

34 replies

Sunrise888 · 19/08/2018 19:47

DH and I have had the worst argument I can remember. He came home from a renovating job very tired, hungry, and I had dinner (big Sunday roast) in the oven so we were chatting about our day from opposite sides of a large room as we waited, with the TV on, on my right.

We stopped for a minute to watch DS tottering about and laughed at him. My attention was caught by the TV, so I watched the conversation intently for a couple minutes.

I turned back to see DH was furious. Apparently he had been calling out to me 3-4 times, and even waved his arms. He said I never seemed to listen to him. He said I lacked respect because we were in the middle of a conversation. I honestly didn't even hear him - he talks really low anyway (this is not just a problem for me, it's a problem at work too), and when I am focused on something else, especially my phone or the TV, I tune almost everything out (with the exception of DS for some reason, but he's pretty high pitched and loud).

It's happened quite a bit in the last year, me "ignoring him" and I don't know if it's related to lack of sleep since we had DS. Anyway, I don't know what to do about it. If I know he wants my attention of course I'll give it to him, but what am I supposed to do if I don't hear him? I've asked him to have some understanding and that I don't ignore him on purpose, and to please keep trying to get my attention, and he's said ok, and he'll try to speak louder.

Anyway, I needed to vent on MN and now I'm stewing in the bedroom. I know he's partly annoyed because he's tired, stressed and hungry, but I feel very aggrieved, I thought I'd fine good with a lovely meal and ended up getting shouted at. AIBU? Is it normal to tune someone out? How do I sort this?

OP posts:

HoleyCoMoley · 19/08/2018 19:51

Turn your tv off when he gets home so he can relax and talk to his family in peace, don't spend too much time on the phone if he wants to talk. We zone out when we're bored or think it doesn't matter.

Shoxfordian · 19/08/2018 19:54

It does sound like you were rude
Maybe turn the tv off and actually listen when he's talking. I'd be really annoyed too.

RebelRogue · 19/08/2018 19:59

OH does this,it pissed me off to no end. It's even more infuriating if we're in a middle of a conversation.He just tunes everything out including me and DD at times. I've done it back to him a few times and he got all huffy,so he knows how it feels. It's happening less often now.

Original poster

Sunrise888 · 19/08/2018 20:32

But I had been listening ☹️, we'd just had a long conversation about his day. When I zoned out I was clearly looking to my right at the TV and he could see that and that I was not responding, so clearly I couldn't hear him. I can understand that it's annoying but I don't think I deserved the level of anger he had.

I do out my phone down when I'm aware he's talking, but yes it's a good suggestion to turn the TV off too.

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Original poster

Sunrise888 · 19/08/2018 20:32

*put

OP posts:

Clutterbugsmum · 19/08/2018 20:48

My dad used to do this, if his ears were blocked and he couldn't hear properly he would mumble.

If he having issues at work with people not hearing him then he needs to get his hearing checked and speak louder so you can hear what he saying.

He needs to take the responsibility to make sure people can hear what he is saying and not just blame everyone else for not listening.

TheLionQueen1 · 19/08/2018 20:51

My DH does this all the time and says he can't hear me and it's so frustrating!! So I do think YABU but I'm probably aiming that a bit at my DH

NapQueen · 19/08/2018 20:57

Get your ears checked? Agree with him that in the firat 45mins he gets home there will be no tv/phones from either of you while you both reflect on your day. Ask if at any point he wants to initiate a comversation he checks (1) are you available? (2) are you close by? If no, he can either wait or come up to you to talk.

I act as though I cant hear people if they call from another room as I find it beyond rude. I also make it quite clear if i am in the middle of aomethi g (tv and MNing count) and someone wants idle chatter.

HelpmeobiMN · 19/08/2018 21:01

Definitely make sure other distractions like the tv and your phone are off / our away when you’re having a conversation if you will get distracted by them. I find it a good rule to always have the tv off unless you are actually watching something - it’s a bad habit to have it as distracting background noise.

I would find this very frustrating if I were your DH.

DuchessThingy · 19/08/2018 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsMozart · 19/08/2018 21:03

You might have a processing issue.

A friend has and now we know it's made life much easier. She literally can't hear well enough to respond unless she's focused on the person. Her hearing has been tested and it's physically fine.

Clutterbugsmum · 19/08/2018 21:05

Why would OP have a problem. When HIS work have had issue with level of speech/talking and have spoken to him about it.

RandomMess · 19/08/2018 21:06

Yeah i have auditory processing issues, low soft voices I just struggle to hear! DH has the exact voice tone I struggle with and mumbles too

If he could tell you weren't listening why didn't he get up and come over to attract your attention?

gandalf456 · 19/08/2018 21:07

I have hearing loss. I frequently tune people out if there's background noise as I have to concentrate pretty hard to.keep my attention.

Dh talks v quietly, too, which doesn't help. I'd second checking your hearing and getting your dh to speak up a bit.

I do actually get slightly annoyed as he knows I can't hear.

If I were you, I'd be annoyed with your dh, too, for taki ng it so personally.. He seems v egocentric, wanting you to hang on to his every word.

small children and sleep deprivation Can definitely make you easily distracted

museumum · 19/08/2018 21:08

My dh sometimes does this. Makes me feel like shit that an advert can be more interesting than me

Labradoodliedoodoo · 19/08/2018 21:13

Ask him to say your name and touch your arm at the same time. You might have hearing, processing or exhaustion issues.

Whisky2014 · 19/08/2018 21:16

I do this when I'm on my phone. My fiance will chat to me and i ask him to repeat every single time. I must be very annoying.

Original poster

Sunrise888 · 19/08/2018 21:32

If he could tell you weren't listening why didn't he get up and come over to attract your attention?

That's what I said, why did he just keep repeating himself and get angrier and angrier when he could have tried something different, like come over and give me a tap.

Ask him to say your name and touch your arm at the same time. You might have hearing, processing or exhaustion issues.

That's a good suggestion. I'm definitely exhausted. I think when I've been looking after DS all day and not had any time to myself, when DH comes home I just relax and zone out into my own thoughts, and DH does of understands but finds this infuriating when he wants to chat.

I'll get my hearing checked but I have NO issues at work or with friends. Whereas I sometimes need to ask DH to repeat things 3-4 times because his voice is so low and quiet, and this annoys him too. 🙄

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Seeingadistance · 19/08/2018 21:33

I'd be pissed off too if someone basically turned their back on me mid conversation and gave all their attention to the TV!

Switch the TV off and give your full attention to the people you're with.

Original poster

Sunrise888 · 19/08/2018 21:36

Btw, if I had a processing issue, how do I get that checked? Would I go to the GP?

For hearing tests, do I go to the high street like boots, or go to the GP again?

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SnuggyBuggy · 19/08/2018 21:39

My DH doesn't have the best listening skills and I often get frustrated. Although it's not intentional it's important to appreciate how this behaviour makes your DH feel.

Original poster

Sunrise888 · 19/08/2018 21:41

I'm my defence, TV is normally in the background because DH likes it, whereas I'm the one who can't stand it! At least this will give me an excuse to keep the TV off unless we are actually watching something.

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TotHappy · 19/08/2018 21:41

Ooh, i hate having the TV on as 'background noise'... Really hate it. My friends at school used to complain i was like a zombie if something was on TV, not talking or listening to them but just watching and I was like that's what its for... I hate people talking to me if I'm watching TV and.i hate people watching TV if I'm talking to them. I'm doing one or the other. I think TV off and phones down while you're in conversation mode is a good rule.

MrsMozart · 19/08/2018 21:46

GP for hearing test.

I'll ask how the processing thing was picked up.

Original poster

Sunrise888 · 19/08/2018 21:46

Ha, I suggested keeping the TV generally off and leaving phones in the bedroom, if we actually want to use them we have to go and use them there. He didn't like either suggestion.

I do understand that he's annoyed, but I'm still smarting from him shouting about respect and how I owed him sympathy. I'll probably feel more sympathetic tomorrow.

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