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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To lose it with 9yo dd

32 replies

shesgrownhorns · 19/08/2018 14:02

I know, I know, it's never right to lose it with one's children. But...

DD wanted to use her record player to impress her big sister who had come to visit. I could see she was excited by this and I could understand her frustration when she couldn't find the power cable. However when I tried to help her find it, pulling out bed, etc, she became more and more frustrated, shouting and generally being obnoxious. We turned the place upside down whilst asking her questions such as: 'can you remember blah blah blah) DH and me were looking everywhere to find it and she was continuing to be aggressive and hostile. It was really winding me up and so I blew my top. I shouted at her that I know it's frustrating but it is the same as if I lost my car keys, asked her to help me find them and then snapping/shouting at her when she helps me. The point also being that it would be my responsibility to find them and thank her for helping me.

My dh told me to stop raising my voice ( I wasn't yelling, just controlled shouting) and then started soothing dd who was then trying to justify her appalling behaviour by saying it was not us she was getting 'angry' at. Husband basically soothed her and quietly told me to leave it in front of her. I said she was 9 and it was about time she started thinking about others and the affect of her own actions on them.

At this point I was on my own. Dd sitting on dh's knee being reassured.

DD's behaviour can be appalling and she challenges me every day. I want to stop it, now. But I have no one to support me or back me up. Anyway that's not the point.

Was I being unreasonable, to be angry?

OP posts:
HelpmeobiMN · 19/08/2018 14:05

Anyway that's not the point.

I think that is the point really! You can’t hope to discipline your daughter if your DH is going to undermine you. I don’t think you were unreasonable to get cross with your DD but I think you and your DH have to discuss what you both want in terms of discipline.

TwitterQueen1 · 19/08/2018 14:05

Yes, YABU. You're supposed to set an example - not blow your top. It clearly meant a lot to your DD and she must be very upset and disappointed.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 19/08/2018 14:07

Can you explain the difference between yelling and controlled shouting, please? That’s a new one on me...

FarrahMoan · 19/08/2018 14:11

I can imagine my 11yo DS behaving in exactly the same way. It's so frustrating. I don't think you were unreasonable to get annoyed.
It's difficult to know whether your DH was unreasonable to console her without knowing how cross you were

DisplayPurposesOnly · 19/08/2018 14:12

In an ideal world, you've stepped back calmly and said you weren't going to help any longer as she was being rude. And left her to it.

Easy in theory Grin

continuallychargingmyphone · 19/08/2018 14:13

I think your husband was absolutely right

No wonder your DD gets frustrated and shouts. That’s what you did!

WhatAmISupposedToBeDoing · 19/08/2018 14:13

She got frustrated, so she yelled.
So you got frustrated, and yelled.

Tbh I can see your DHs point. You weren't exactly modelling how to stay cool when stressed.

Bobbiepin · 19/08/2018 14:14

You cant shout at soemone and tell them (whilst shouting) that they can't shout at you.

Your DH is a dick for undermining you and not setting boundaries with DD but you were unreasonable too.

WhatAmISupposedToBeDoing · 19/08/2018 14:15

Btw I am far from perfect, and I do lose my temper. But your DD is a child who was upset and expressing it badly. It would be better all round if you were to back away, then when she was calmer discuss strategies for dealing with emotions and not pissing off your nearest and dearest when life isn't going your way.

Gottagetmoving · 19/08/2018 14:17

Your DD is behaving exactly the way you have taught her to behave when feeling frustrated. Well done.

NotAsGreenAsCabbageLooking · 19/08/2018 14:18

I do controlled shouting (I also sometimes lose my rag and proper shout - there is a difference!).

Your DD was in the wrong, and your DH. Yes you both shouted, but you had justified cause, your DD was just being a brat. I’d have confiscated the record player until she’d thought about it and I’d had a sincere apology.

Thehogfather · 19/08/2018 14:26

Yabu to expect your 9yr old to stay in control of her anger when you as the parent can't do the same.

I'm not suggesting it is ok for her to take it out on you, but as the adult it's your job to calmly discuss why it's unacceptable and suggest methods of controlling her temper, or at least a better outlet for it. Even if that means saying 'sorry, I'm not helping whilst you're shouting' and walking away and talking about it when she's calmed down.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 19/08/2018 14:29

I’m still not getting what controlled shouting is. If you haven’t lost your temper then you’re very calculatedly and deliberately choosing to shout.
Why would you do that?

Maelstrop · 19/08/2018 14:31

Your dh needs to back you up. You’re going to end up like my mate, otherwise. Her dd can be foul to her because her dh backs her up and encourages the poor behaviour.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 19/08/2018 14:31

If you can't keep your cool when you're cross/stressed how on earth can your 9 year old?

Plus, when you gave her "when did you last use it" questions, did you also give her processing time to answer each question? My 12 year old is a delight but needs a decent amount of processing time between questions in order to answer coherently. DH comes in when he's frustrated and it like the spanish inquisition with him bombarding the DCs with question after question and I have to remind him he's dealing with works-in-progress rather than finished articles.

YANBU to be frustrated - children across the land are universally frustrated. YABU to expect a 9 year old to understand the impact of her behaviour on others when she's stressed. She's learning from you. Make sure the picture you're painting is the one you want to be looking at.

Original poster
shesgrownhorns · 19/08/2018 14:36

Thank you. And I suppose the controlled shouting was quite a raised voice and obviously angry but not over the edge. I know that doesn't make sense. Although she actually did say 'you're acting like Mrs .... ' (her head teacher) So unless Mrs ... loses her rag and gets out of control then that was how she experienced me. Hope that makes some sense.

OP posts:
ZzzMarchhare · 19/08/2018 14:37

My DS can be like this- I try and think of consequences that fit the crime so if he was speaking to me like shite I would have given a warning then walked away and refused to help.
Sometimes they do drive you mad and most people don’t have infinite patience!

pouraglasshalffull · 19/08/2018 14:37

First of all, "controlled shouting" and yelling are the exact same thing

Second of all, you shouted at your daughter for shouting at you. It's like fighting fire with fire. In hindsight you should've walked away from helping her and told her whilst she's shouting at you your not going to help her. I''ve lost it a few times though, we all have, you learn from it and move on

I think the main issue is your husband undermining you infront of your daughter. This is going to encourage her behaviour and she'll just go running to daddy whenever you get slightly annoyed at her. Tell DH in future to talk to you in private about your behaviour management. If he keeps doing this he is running the risk of ending up with "daddys little spoilt girl"

Just ensure in future you explain to your daughter why what she is doing is wrong and how she should ago about it instead, don't shout at her when trying to teach her a lesson about aggression. And nip it in the bud early doors with DH, that was out of order for him to do that in front of your DD

StrawberryRoll · 19/08/2018 14:43

I thought you were going to say she was 15

I think your dh was right on this occasion.
Shouting back at her was only going to escalate the situation and was setting as you were doing exactly what you were telling her off for.

However, we're all human and none of us are perfect parents.
You and dd both need to apologise to each other and you and dh need to sit down and agree on a method of dealing with her behaviour that you both agree on.

youarenotkiddingme · 19/08/2018 14:43

My controlled shouting is just using a much more form voice to let ds know his behaviour has to stop now!

Usually a "ok. Enough. I have explained x amount of times if you want my help you need to speak to me nicely".

I would then change my voice immediately back to normal and ask one of the questions again and wait for a polite reply!

Other than this one incident does your DH have form for undermining you? You say DD behaviour is appalling? What else does she do?

youarenotkiddingme · 19/08/2018 14:44

I'll also admit for fairness I've yelled at ds before. But that was more about my frame of mind than him and I always apologise and I explain I shouldn't have lost my temper even though I was frustrated.

Goth237 · 19/08/2018 14:49

I can see it from DD's point of view and yours. I have been annoyed at a situation and it was then taken as though I were annoyed at the person. Now obviously she is a young girl and probably went about it more aggressively than needed, but she is young. And I can definitely see it from your point of view. All you were doing was trying to help your daughter and you get anger in return. A lot of people would have become frustrated with that. And I think your DP's reaction was bad. Never disagree on discipline in front of your children because it shows that she can go to one of you to be more lenient. It was not OK for him to tell you to 'leave it' in front of her. Perhaps you need to have a word with him.

AnnabelC · 19/08/2018 15:00

Why shouldn’t your daughter know how her behaviour effected you. This keeping calm doesn’t work. I have witnessed it with my gc. They are now out of control and have no feelings for anyone else but themselves. Emotionless. Gentle hands in a calm voice never worked. Getting emotional , within reason, let’s them know it needs to be dealt with and you have feelings. That’s not losing your temper but raising your voice slightly.

missyB1 · 19/08/2018 15:03

I think a lot of people on mn pretend to tolerate shit that actually most parents don't tolerate in real life.

I wouldn't have tolerated that rudeness and hostility from my 9 year old ds. I would have left him to bloody look for it on his own if he couldn't be polite to me.
Your dh is babying her by the way, putting her on his knee because she was told off by her mum???!

AnnieAnoniMoose · 19/08/2018 15:04

Your DH needs to stop undermining you. You were telling her off - like a Head Teacher, not battering her - and he was telling YOU to ‘leave it’ and molly coddling her?! Fuck that. How in God’s name does he think that’s going to help any of you.