To lose it with 9yo dd

[shesgrownhorns]

I know, I know, it's never right to lose it with one's children. But...

DD wanted to use her record player to impress her big sister who had come to visit. I could see she was excited by this and I could understand her frustration when she couldn't find the power cable. However when I tried to help her find it, pulling out bed, etc, she became more and more frustrated, shouting and generally being obnoxious. We turned the place upside down whilst asking her questions such as: 'can you remember blah blah blah) DH and me were looking everywhere to find it and she was continuing to be aggressive and hostile. It was really winding me up and so I blew my top. I shouted at her that I know it's frustrating but it is the same as if I lost my car keys, asked her to help me find them and then snapping/shouting at her when she helps me. The point also being that it would be my responsibility to find them and thank her for helping me.

My dh told me to stop raising my voice ( I wasn't yelling, just controlled shouting) and then started soothing dd who was then trying to justify her appalling behaviour by saying it was not us she was getting 'angry' at. Husband basically soothed her and quietly told me to leave it in front of her. I said she was 9 and it was about time she started thinking about others and the affect of her own actions on them.

At this point I was on my own. Dd sitting on dh's knee being reassured.

DD's behaviour can be appalling and she challenges me every day. I want to stop it, now. But I have no one to support me or back me up. Anyway that's not the point.

Was I being unreasonable, to be angry?

What's DH going to do if Mrs X (HT) also tells your dd off on that time of voice?

But there's a big difference between being told off for doing something naughty or being disobedient and being yelled at for getting upset at not being able to show her big sis something.

DD also had the emotional maturity to say it wasn't OP or DH she was angry with. OP's response to this is to dismiss this as "trying to justify her appalling behaviour"

"Husband was soothing her.." quite right too - this is precisely what she needed. You don't yell at a child for getting upset at something. You try to calm, maybe remove her from the situation, suggest an alternate course of action. DH was the responsible, caring parent here OP, you may have felt he was undermining you but you were not displaying appropriate behaviour.

This keeping calm doesn’t work. I have witnessed it with my gc. They are now out of control and have no feelings for anyone else but themselves. Emotionless. Gentle hands in a calm voice never worked.

I'm going to respectfully disagree. I have 12 and 7 year old boys. They can be wild, mad as hatters at times, but absolutely never are they out of control, never are they emotionless and never are they terribly behaved. It's perfectly possible to give your children the firmest of boundaries without shouting. It's also perfectly possible to raise them gently whilst also being strong and having high expectations of them.

I personally think it's absolutely fine and human to shout sometimes. If children live with on the most part calm, loving, receptive parents then to hear them get cross at times is no bad thing and should highlight to them when something is really not on.

Children are intuned to their parents feeling and will know even if you don't show it when you are angry. My parents did not shout or tell me off ever, I thought I was invincible and there were no boundaries. I was rude and naughty at times and needed telling. Firmly.

It a bloody annoying your DH didn't back you up. He could have said let's not shout but mum is angry because of xyz and your behaviour is not ok. Then you could call down and talk about it with her later but now presumably you feel rebuffed and powerless to address this with your child.

The other thing I experienced from being patented 'gently' was that in the real world people shout- I'm a social worker people shout a lot. It shocked me, I felt awful anxiety as It was totally unheard of in my experience for people to express themselves and show their feelings.

Oh I agree that you have to tell them off. Mine know when I'm cross, upset, angry or frustrated. I've also shouted at odd times. I just don't make a habit of it because it stresses them - and me - out more.

I teach a Reception class and learned quite early on that lowering my voice and using physical gestures had just as big an impact as my loud voice. I also found early on that when you raise your voice at small children you often see them pull down the shutters and disengage with you. I'm as firm with my own DC as I am at school, but there's not just "shout or nothing". There's a huge area between the two where you can have firm voices, rules, expectations, rewards and consequences without needing to yell.

OP you and your DH need to talk it through when you're both calm and in 'neutral' mode. You need to listen to his perspective and tell him your own, then come to an agreement on how you'll handle your DD next time. Parents get it wrong sometimes and it's alright to admit that, just as you're entitled to say to your DH that you're unhappy with how he handled the situation.

Both you and DH were in the wrong. My 9 year old DD can be a complete pain too. If I shout at her I instantly regret it, especially if it’s in reaction to her shouting or being rude as it just makes it worse, and I can see the irony of shouting at her to stop shouting at me. Howver, my DH does the exact same as yours and undermines me and that’s not ok. In fact it’s really frustrating and DD totally plays on it. So, YWBU for shouting, your DH, despite being right about you not shouting, shouldn’t have voiced this in front of DD.