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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you deal with inlaws that you have absolutely nothing in common with?!

70 replies

Lovingtheisland · 19/08/2018 00:08

As title.

I have tried for the last 6.5 years, I really have but I’ve come to the conclusion that I just don’t enjoy their company. They are completely different from me and my friends, from my own family. They don’t like doing anything, other than sitting around watching tv, they claim to be a really close family yet none of them really seem to have anything in common or anything to speak to one another about. It’s a lot of just sitting about making stifled conversation, with MIL giving me a look if I dare have more than 1 glass of wine etc.

Spending time with them is becoming increasingly difficult as I just find it mentally draining. It doesn’t help that we live 3 hours away so whenever we see them it’s either them staying with us for 3-4 days or us staying with them for 3-4 days. I feel like I can’t escape- MIL gets a face on her if I disappear off upstairs for 15 mins just to get a bit of breathing space etc.

Anyway, I digress, how do you deal with inlaws that you just don’t really have anything in common with etc? How do you manage to spend large quantities of time with them without it being obvious that you’re bored out of your mind?!

My IL’s aren’t bad people, for some reason Im just getting more intolerant of them.

OP posts:
WhyBird2k · 19/08/2018 00:14

Do you really have to stay with them for so long? I live that far away from in-laws and we hardly ever stay the night. Also have nothing in common with mine. I do a lot of nodding. Helping with washing up always gets me away from them. I go for a walk even though they don't like anyone to leave the sitting room. My advice is to plan ahead knowing what the dynamics are...plan when to escape and how and for how long. Take a book or something you like doing while they watch TV. Who cares if you look rude, you need to have your own creature comforts there if for 4 days!

Hadalifeonce · 19/08/2018 00:18

Personally, I wouldn't stay that long. Have you thought of planning an outing when you are there? There must some places of interest, you could get your DH on board and suggest you all go together; if they don't want to, just go with your DH to get out of the house.

HeddaGarbled · 19/08/2018 00:20

3 hours away isn’t that far. You could easily do a one night stay, or two nights with a lunch time arrival and morning departure.

Take a book to read or mumsnet on your phone while they are watching TV.

Investigate places to visit near where they live, invite them to join you, go without them if they decline.

Organise outings when they visit you.

Ignore the face when you have a second glass of wine/take 15 minutes on your own. You’re an independent adult and can do what you want.

Be polite. It doesn’t matter that you don’t have anything in common. It would matter if you create a rift.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/08/2018 00:22

I didn't stay with them and divorced their son, which I don't suppose is the advice you want.

HotSauceCommittee · 19/08/2018 00:22

Go for fewer visits. Let your DH (and children if you have them) go without you.
I think you are getting to the stage of thinking “what’s the point?”.
There isn’t much point and you could just opt out without falling out, hopefully.

Original poster
Lovingtheisland · 19/08/2018 00:23

DH won’t leave them though- One because he knows it would cause a massive row if they come to visit him and he buggers off out with me because they don’t want to. I suggest days out all the time but they’re always met with reasons why they can’t. It’s so frustrating.

I really want to start staying in a hotel when we go to visit them and suggest they do the same here as it would honestly make visits SO much more bearable but I don’t think they’d ever speak to me again if I did.

OP posts:
GoneWishing · 19/08/2018 00:25

Don't stay that long, for one thing. Three hours is hardly that much to travel.

I don't really have much in common with any of my inlaws, but no big drama or arguments or anything like that. I "deal" with it like with any other normal social interaction with people who aren't my best friends or closest family. Polite chat. Somewhat prenteding to take an interest in their interests (just in the normal way you do with people), and focusing in the things we do have in common and all can talk about. Staying clear of any issues I know we disagree a lot in. Removing myself to make another round of cups of tea if the discussion turns into stuff I know I can't discuss with them honestly without a rift. It's not hard as it is, but we're never in each others' houses for days on end, despite living quite far away from each other.

HeddaGarbled · 19/08/2018 00:27

No, the hotel is the nuclear option. Plus, if your H won’t even go out without them, he’s hardly going to agree to that, is he? Small steps, gradual changes.

Original poster
Lovingtheisland · 19/08/2018 00:28

I do all of the above Gone wishing and it’s okay for the first 5-6 hours but honestly, by hour 48 I’m beside myself with frustration and boredom. I’ve tried asking if they can cut their visits shorter, to DH who bloody told MIL and she then pulled me aside and said she appreciates having guests is a lot of work, however...they would actually like to come and visit more frequently and for longer to ensure ‘enough quality time’ is spent!

OP posts:
HotSauceCommittee · 19/08/2018 00:34

I think your DH needs to step up more; they are his parents and you really don’t have to visit them for that length of time.
Just don’t go and visit them every time . No need for a row.

WhyBird2k · 19/08/2018 00:36

Wow your MIL is keen. Do you have kids that they want to spend time with? DH has to compromise here. He can just visit them on his own next time if the 4 days is non-negotiable. At least when they are at yours it's easier for you to do your own thing?

Insertquirkyname · 19/08/2018 00:36

I am in the same situation but they are my ex-in laws and I am maintaining relationship for the children.
The only advice i have is what I do: keep my chin up, remind myself that we are important to them, they do things differently and I will not change them. I throw myself into their interests so I have conversation- I’ve even been known to find out what book they have just read, read it myself and bring it up just so I know I have half hour conversation 😂
It is really hard, I do get crazy inside and I have an almighty piss up with my friends and cathartically rant without taking breath once they’re gone.

HeddaGarbled · 19/08/2018 00:41

Yeah, I think this is a conversation you need to have with your H, along the lines of ‘I’m not coming next time unless it’s for max 2 days and we go out one of them’.

GoneWishing · 19/08/2018 00:54

it’s okay for the first 5-6 hours but honestly, by hour 48 I’m beside myself with frustration and boredom

Yes, I can imagine, and sympathise! The one time we stayed with MIL for longer was luckily the first time I was visiting the town, so we went on lots of excursions with DP to explore (MIL chose not to join). Seems like it's your DH you need to get on the same page? So that if visits will be longer than you're comfortable with, you don't have to be involved (arrange something important you can't reschedule?). My DP has his own issues with his family, more so than I do (I really don't have issues, just not much in common, whereas for him there's all the childhood stuff involved), so this hasn't been an issue for me.

My DB's (lovely) wife hasn't always got on very well with my own parents (for reasons I can at least partly understand). It's been totally common for them for DB to visit with the kids, while SIL had "something important", or wasn't feeling well etc.

JoanFrenulum · 19/08/2018 00:56

Hotel. Yes, it causes a huge row the first time, they stomp off and declare they'll never speak to you again, etc, but they get over it soon enough (ours were very dramatic and wailed that their son might as well be dead but they were right as rain in three months) and gosh it's ever so much nicer when they're not always in your space. Your DH does have to have your back though.

Also I have found that having a baby works a treat, they never want to talk about anything except the baby ever again.

Ozgirl75 · 19/08/2018 01:11

We live overseas so when we visit we come for quite a while. Always stay in a cottage around equal distance from both parents. I get on well with all parents but still want my own space. Luckily they are normal and don’t take this as a personal insult.

happymummy12345 · 19/08/2018 01:18

Oh god I know exactly how you feel, I don't get on with mine at all. Complete opposites.
I try to spend as less time with them as I can tbh

sonlypuppyfat · 19/08/2018 01:23

Why are you being dragged into spending days with these people? Let him go on his own

NancyJoan · 19/08/2018 07:27

When they come to you, arrange a couple of things that you have to do. Book an art class one afternoon, meet a friend for coffee one morning. Yes, a face will be pulled, they may even say something, but so what? It’s your DP they are here to see, not you. Book a table for you all for lunch out, too, just to get a change of scene.

When you go to them, just go for a shorter visit. 2 nights max, leave after breakfast. And get up every morning, go out and buy a broadsheet to hide behind.

NancyJoan · 19/08/2018 07:31

Also, I have every sympathy. Have spent the last 20 years being viewed as some kind of curiosity. Am v fond of (some of) them now (not SIL).

Labradoodliedoodoo · 19/08/2018 07:39

Tell them in advance you have a couple of appointments or commitments but DH will stay with them.

LethalLola · 19/08/2018 07:46

Do you have the same in laws as me?
Pretty much exactly the same situation.

We're 3 hours away so it's normally at least 2 nights when we go. Since having DC (who hate the car) we've managed to limit it to once a year thank god but it's so painful. They sit in mostly silence while FIL has sport on the tv all bloody day. Make no effort to do anything other than going to the same pub for dinner.
MIL is obsessed with the idea of everyone being close but DH and his siblings are all different and live very different lives and although they get on, are not close in any way.
It's painful being in their house. Even when they come to us (which they invite themselves to practically every month and we have to limit to 2-3 times a year) they just sit and barely talk. It baffles me why they are so obsessed with seeing us when they do nothing when we're with them.

TheFallenMadonna · 19/08/2018 07:48

How often do you see them? Similar for us, but it's only 3 or 4 visits a year, so I suck it up and remember they are my DH's parents and he loves them, albeit it in an exasperated way.

Chocolatecake12 · 19/08/2018 07:50

It’s so difficult when the conversation dries up and you are sitting in awkward silences.
Could you buy tickets ahead of visits for places of interest? Then it’s a done deal! ‘I’ve got us all tickets for the castle, and booked the restaurant after for dinner. We leave at 11am’ they might not like it but would surely not decline already bought tickets!
Could you invite others to join you to take the pressure of conversation off? Your parents at yours? His siblings if he has any at his parents?
When they visit you could you borrow a dog from a friend?! They need regular walking and would give you some breathing space.
And I agree with pp, cut visits down to 2 nights max at least when you go to there’s. You need to get back to work right?!

Shenanagins · 19/08/2018 07:58

Do you have to go every single time? My oh never comes when I visit my mum who lives extremely remotely as he doesn’t feel comfortable in someone else’s home and why should he have to give up him precious spare time to do so plus there is no hotel alternative.

However he warmly welcomes my Mum into our home and whilst she will stay for a while we are all clear that as we are very busy (young kids/full time jobs) we have to carry on with our daily business including him doing his hobby.
It works as she gets time with us, is part of the family warts and all. It did take a lot of reassurance that my oh wasn’t rejecting her and now she loves him, sometimes I suspect more than me!